Ode To My Bachelor's Degree

I got my degree almost 4 years ago. December 2016, to be exact. I attended college for 10 semesters. Fall 2009, plus fall 2012-2016. Also spring 2013-2016. Yep. That's 10. Anyways. My B.A. diploma still sits in the envelope it came in. I'm not sure what to do with it. I'm not sure what to do with it metaphorically, either.

It's like I'm always turning into someone else. I was a different person for each semester I was in school. I've been multiple different people since I've graduated. With all these different versions of myself, I guess some versions were closer to my real self than others. But never wholly there. 

I got my degree in stage management, which is something I never really cared about. Then why did I pursue it for a few semesters of my college life? It seemed like a happy medium between my love for the artistic and my right-side-brain way of functioning. But it never satisfied. I only applied for a few theatre management jobs through it all. 

At one point I studied journalism. I started off as an actor. I was doing okay performance-wise at all these things. But internally, the incompleteness was always there. It still is. 

Somehow, amid my life's journey of incompleteness, I got a Bachelor's Degree. Simply a phase I went through. Somehow dedicated a lot of time and energy into getting this thing. 

I only write this because I've felt bad for the last few months. And have just recently been having flashbacks to my final semester at school. I never had a clear view of my future. I cared about what was in front of me and succeeded at that. But the amount of things to do placed in front of me have been reduced and I've been finding new ways to do nothing over the last 4 years. 

Going to school gave me something to do. At all times. Yet it was all non-consequential. I've always lived a life of action with little purpose, only now I do less. How am I supposed to learn things? How am I supposed to progress? How do I feel like myself? Will I ever feel like myself?

I have a Bachelor's Degree in stage management. I have a 1997 Ford Taurus. I have a used Fugazi CD. Don't ask me which possessions mean the most to me. I have enough belongings to cram into a shared apartment. What am I supposed to have? And what do I do with these things I do have? 

I just always feel weird saying I have a Bachelor's Degree. And all my college days feel like a distant dream to me. I've had so many friendships, yet I always have a hard time keeping them strong. I learned so many new things, only to have them shoved from one ear out the other every summer. All these things are my fault. What do I do now? Who have I become?