An Anti-Psychotic Playlist

So I've been on these pills for a few months. Quetiapine. It helps correct the flow of dopamine neurotransmitters within my brain. It's an anti-psychotic. What more could I possibly add? I've never had stuff like this before. Of course it's gonna be a trip. 
Here's something I wrote about it on November 5, 2018:

"I'm breathing better than I have in 9 years. My stomach isn't so tied up in knots. My mind has more moments of clarity and confidence. It's awesome. Only side effect is that it makes me sleepy."

This was all true. And it still is. But I remember the first half of November was this moment of hope, like my life was going to be immediately free of all mental illness. And that, however, was not true.
A weird balance of this whole growing process was trying to decide what to keep unsaid, what to tell my friends, and what to make public. These days, I don't feel so stressed out about this. I just put stuff out there whenever I feel like it. 
This week is like a period of transition for all the local college kids. It's Finals week. Summertime draweth near. And somehow, I find myself just as excited as they are.
A friend of mine requested that I share albums that have changed my life, or something like that. And I'm off work today. So I figured I'd share what my experience on anti-psychotics has been thus far, and what albums I was listening to at the time.
Here's something I wrote on January 4, 2019:

"I am starting to at least somewhat feel like myself again. For the first time in nearly 10 years. Not even kidding."

The sleepy side-effects pleasantly hit me like a ton of pillow-y bricks. There were like 2 or 3 months where I slept a lot. I still do, honestly. But now I actually go outside, and talk to people, and stay awake at work. So, yeah. Obviously made some improvements. Here's the soundtrack to this era of my life.
The Smiths  The Queen Is Dead
Jeff Buckley  Grace
Sigur Ros  Agaetis Byrjun
Panda Bear  Person Pitch
I still listen to The Smiths and Jeff Buckley religiously. I've started looking at that Panda Bear album differently. When it comes to the art of sampling, that album is genius. And that quote mentioned above? I wrote that at midnight while listening to Sigur Ros.
Here's something I wrote on January 25, 2019:

"While it may not be totally necessary for someone to publicly announce they’ve come to terms with their suicidal thoughts, this is me publicly announcing I’ve come to terms with my suicidal thoughts."

For a couple months there, my high's felt impossibly high and my low's felt like the end of the world. It was a very real, very tough time. I remember doing some fun things during this time, but also having some freaking sad weekends. And the weather was stupid! It would get warm one day, then it would snow, and stay cold for the rest of the week. Here's the soundtrack to it all. Marvin Gaye  What's Going On
Belle & Sebastian  If You're Feeling Sinister
Bjork  Homogenic
Modest Mouse  The Lonesome Crowded West
Modest Mouse  Building Nothing Out of Something
Oneohtrix Point Never  Replica
There was like a week where I listened to Marvin Gaye everyday. Cold weather has always reminded me Northern European artists like Bjork (Iceland) and Belle & Sebastian (Scotland) anyhow. Replica is probably just as genius of a sampling album as Person Pitch. And I've always loved early Modest Mouse. Somehow, they just always had songs land on my playlists during this time. It's great background music for either thinking of everything, or thinking of nothing.
Here's something I wrote on February 21, 2019:

"For the most part, I've been making exponential progress. I had a few good hours yesterday; where I actually feel like myself. There are things I've believed in that aren't good or true. But there are good and true things out there that I'm attempting to believe in. This is where my life is now."

I'd say this era didn't really kick off until latter March. I feel like spring officially kicked off just this last week. But there have been pieces of spring leading up to this. Here's the soundtrack.
Simon & Garfunkel  Sounds of Silence
Smashing Pumpkins  Siamese Dream
Lauryn Hill  The Miseducation of Lauryn Hill
Bright Eyes  I'm Wide Awake, It's Morning
Weyes Blood  Titanic Rising
So much Simon & Garfunkel. So much. Oh my gosh. Guys, it was insane. Anyways, early Smashing Punpkins seems to always hits my rotation every springtime. That Bright Eyes album reminds me of being 17, only now I appreciate its lyrical weight from an adulthood perspective. That new Weyes Blood album is some of the best new music I've heard these last couple years. I have a specific, joyful memory of listening to The Miseducation of Lauryn Hill one sunny evening in March. Now I frequently play it on sunny evenings after a run.
Not sure what to add to all this, but there's a chance I'll be on these dopamine pills for a long time; in conjunction with my serotonin pills. And my future dosage is pending. For better or worse, there are always soundtracks to every era of my life. When I have moments of clarity that remind me of my less stressful past, it's tempting for me to relive past experiences. But I think what made that stuff memorable in the first place was that I was doing different things for the first time. So I hope I get to experiment with new life experiences and continue expanding the music that goes along with it.
Here's to more life and more music.
And drugs.

Can We Please Talk About Something Else?

I.
These nights feel all too familiar. I remember my first summer working at Redfish Lake Lodge. The nights felt right; sometimes fun, yet often introspective. The sun sets and I look inside, while also feeling at least somewhat part of the world. I remember hiking alone + thinking about music. That summer, I didn't feel like there was any future.

II.

I remember a crush I had when I was 18. LOVE. Perhaps there is nothing/nobody here in Logan for me. When people say "never change," I don't think they really mean it.

III.
A friend was at our apartment last night talking about God + religion. Sometimes I'm pretty sure Christianity + organized religion is just a total crock. I'm pretty sure I don't have the right mindset to be part of this church. I gave this rant about how I'm active but don't like Institute, so why should less-actives want to attend church? I wish somebody asked me...about my testimony. I can wait for General Conference.

IV.

I just got back from a 25+ party at a church. It's not like I felt bitter or pissy or anything, but at the party, I wanted to be alone. I've wanted real conversation.

V.

This is my first time feeling this way in years. People don't realize what I've been through; not even I myself. I'm really on the edge right now, learning how to jump. There's a way I feel after I run outside that's unexplainable. My breathing is different these days; it's hard to explain.

VI.

I developed learned helplessness at some point. I (have) had this idea of who I should be, how I should feel, how I should act. I go to bed every night feeling unfulfilled. I feel so ashamed when I look at who I am vs. who I'm not. It was as though I just realized today I've truly believed that nothing could ever make me feel whole + happy. It's been hard for me to think back on my college theatre days.

VII.

I'm gonna try not to pretend anymore. I'm trying to feel fun happiness + non-depressive contentment.
There were many many many times in my youth where I felt convinced that I was supposed to feel sad, skeptical, and less like my self. Nobody told me...what it meant to be clinically depressed or anxious. You shouldn't (have to) feel like there's some happy past emotion you'll never feel again; you can fix that and should work to fix it as soon as possible.