DO YOUR JOB. A thought that's been coming back to me a lot recently is not caring about what others think; particularly regarding my music. I must go forward. Experiment experiences for my own sake. Think of others, but seeing them as judges, nor myself as their judge. I want to make music. And I want to make it my way. I am worth the same as other people. I am the best at what I do. Now do something... I do nothing because I don't know what to do. Somewhat justifiable... Don't stop writing! (also: keep music-ing) I think there's a comfort when you're truly doing what's right. Whether you know it, or feel like that's the case. I guess I don't feel that comfort very frequently. And yet, I do so many worthwhile, meaningful things. There is nothing wrong with being sensitive.
II.
What the frick is going on with my right eye? There are specific different types of migraines, and OH MY GOSH it's blowing my mind. I can only hope that others could understand what I've been through and still go through. Why does it take so much to feel "here"? Real, okay, in the moment, like myself? It always takes some specific steps I kinda have to guess and find out for myself. I've been considering sharing my kidney stone story, and my life ever since.
III.
You cannot go back. You can go forward. August 2009 has been haunting me. I wish I knew why. And I wish I had answers to that time. Memories of my childhood, teen years, mission, college years, etc...I can't seem to connect the dots. Do I have to? Or is that actually part of the problem with me being too self-conscious?
IV.
I really have a hard time imagining other people loving me, for some reason. It seems like just last night my mind wasn't bothered by that...Oh my gosh. Does that thought really bother me that frequently? I mean...I like that whole "DO YOUR JOB" mindset I've had. I'm a songwriter. It's who I am. It's what I do. I woke up this morning ready and willing and able to do it; whenever, 24/7. And yet...I see it as this detriment that separates me from reality, normalcy, and surface-level intelligence/worth/maturity. Am I missing a big picture? My big picture, perhaps?
V.
I'm often in pain and I'm often sad and I struggle to find success or identity and I don't know who would ever want to be with me for any reason. I wish my life was different. I wish I was a different person. I wish I felt differently. I've been thinking about that recent post I saw on facebook about suicide awareness. The trifecta of suicidal thought: Hopelessness, Isolation, Feeling like you're a burden. I keep thinking I'm gonna explode tomorrow or mess something up or something. Like, at church, around leadership, around girls. I feel like I'm lying to people when I tell them about my job, my past, my desires, etc. I suddenly don't want to talk to anybody tomorrow. Not my parents, not my friends. And yet, talking with someone about my thoughts/feelings is what I actually kinda really what I need to do.
VI.
I think there's something freeing about leaving religion behind. And yet, I love the idea of innocence as a way to understanding yourself and reality. Do I even believe in a God? In what ways? Am I living my life right? Like, am I even doing what's right for me?
VII.
There's a core to all these feelings that I've felt for a long time; my whole life, really. I wish I could have explained that to people back then. And I wish I could explain it to people now. How I just feel different from everyone else, and weird inside, and like I know lots of other things people don't know, or rather, that people know lots of things that I don't know. There were times even in my "glory days" where I felt this way--subconsciously, consistently, really--but I wasn't giving people the full picture. I've been needing to break down and cry. I feel so misunderstood. I always have. Before, I kinda felt like my thoughts/feelings were misunderstood. Now it's like my mindset/pain is misunderstood.
And then I fell asleep.
