Music doesn't make me happy.
Music is my life. I love music. But does it make me happy? Nah. It feels more like a chore. It's like something I have to carry. I get too nit-picky about it.
This thought occurred to me last night at a jam session. After an hour or so of jamming with some friends on my bass guitar, I was shown a couple YouTube videos of a bluegrass duo--I think they were called The Milk Carton Kids? Anyways. This one guy in the band was arguably the greatest guitarist I've ever witnessed. Yet I did not give a flying flip.
I played trombone growing up. I was in the high school band my freshman year, and almost my sophomore year. That's when it hit me that I really don't care about symphonic music. I still don't. I can't say I'm unimpressed. It's just that for the most part, it just doesn't make me feel or think anything.
I still remember this one roommate who questioned my guitar skills because I didn't know how to play "Classical Gas." Why would I want to learn how to play "Classical Gas"?
I think music is a way for me to find a deeper meaning behind things. That's not fun. That's not joyous. Sometimes I judge the production quality, despite the fact I have no idea how to produce music myself. Sometimes I'm snarky about the lyrical content, which is something I personally struggle with. But I only care about whatever music I want to care about.
Soundtracks to musicals? Old-timey bluegrass shtick artists? Background compositions for movies? Reggae DJ sets? DIY YouTubers who put their own spin on pop covers? Any Christian music ever made at all? A Capella? "Classical Gas"? I don't have to care.
Sometimes music excites my senses. But it often just feels like a dull job where I'm always on the clock. Critiquing everything I hear. Coming up with song ideas. Things like performance and enjoyment are only a small piece to the puzzle.
I kinda wish music made me happy. It sounds pleasant. But just the way I think...Music might have too much of some general over-arching purpose for it to be a basic outlet or hobby. I want to be known as a songwriter. But it's an overwhelming thought. And a task that requires work outside of the comfort zone. And right now, a lot of musical work is outside my comfort zone. Because I know I can do it, but probably won't enjoy it. Because music doesn't make me happy. It's more like some burden I've chosen to carry and hide inside.
For all you music people out there, keep making music. Keep listening to the songs you like. I'll be over here sitting and stewing over it all.
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