1 year in my life.
It was a mini-journey for me.
I can only hope it was all a mere prelude to a true adventure.
Nov '17 The Kidney Stone
I got a kidney stone in early October 2017. It's supposed to be the most painful experience in the world. Thanks to some cool medical treatments I tried out (spoiler: it was acupuncture), I miraculously passed my kidney stone in the 3rd week of October... without even realizing it! I still felt some stomach + back pain, so I went to my doctor. He explained I had passed it pain-free, and that I was so stressed out, I was only causing additional unnecessary pain to my tender, worn-out kidneys. So, I spent November realizing I had an anxiety problem beyond my own comprehension. I was unemployed all month, which didn't help. But this is where my journey started. I came to terms with my mental health and started seeing a counselor.
Dec '17 The New Job
I applied for a job at a utility billing company in town called Conservice. I probably personally know kabillion people who've worked there, so it seemed like a safe bet. Sure enough I was hired. And I hated it. I was more stressed at work than anywhere else. Luckily, my body was in great shape, and I was running all the time; even at night in the snow. Fun fact: I performed a great version of "O Holy Night" w/ "Santa Claus Is Coming To Town." Wish I could find a recording...
Jan '18 The Ward Clerk
I got a new calling at church. Ward Membership Clerk (which is apparently different from simply "ward clerk" and I never knew this existed but whatever). This only mattered because I used to be a co-chair of the linger longer committee, and I hate feeding people. What was important about January is that I started going into precise training for a half-marathon. I went on a few double-digit mileage runs. But I also had this issue where I'd constantly be rudely awakened at 3am or 4am by a numb, hungry feeling. More on this later.
Feb '18 The Half-Marathon
I ran the Run 4 Luv Half Marathon in Boise in 100 minutes! 12th place out of 117 people! Miraculous, really. This was my 3rd half-marry. But it was the first one I had ran in 3 years. Since my last race, I had gone through multiple injuries and gained over 30 pounds. So I had to readjust how I use my body. This training experience was not about being fast + feeling spirited, it was about running smart + avoiding injury. I ran practically just as fast as where I left off 3 years ago. Just a very different style. And it was cold. I'm proud of myself, but have chosen to (probably) never race again.
Mar '18 The Chronic Migraine
This is a long story... For about 3 weeks, I thought there was something wrong with my brain. I couldn't walk in a straight line without total focus. It was harder for me to speak straight + directly. I was even thinking slower, to be honest. And my scalp felt tingly the whole time. I'd have some moments where half my face would go numb. One of these moments happened at work, where it even caused my lips a numbness that gave me a slur in my speech, and the numbness went all the way down to my arm. I took an ambulance to the hospital, where I got an MRI on my brain that turned out perfectly fine.
I was diagnosed with worsening migraines. Turns out, there are even more migraine symptoms out there than I was aware of... and I was used to getting them all the time! So, I started taking some pills that turned me upside-down and made me sleep a lot. But they work. And things make a lot more sense now. I've had a lot of headaches over the years; sometimes constantly.
But oh yeah, I recorded a couple self-written songs in a studio down the street in March. Cool.
Apr '18 The Casual Rebirth
April is often my favorite month of the year. The air feels just right. The trees are blossoming. College kids are wrapping up the semester. So what the hey, I got myself a new phone. Started dating again. Went on a lot of walks. At the end of the month, I performed some classic rock songs with some buddies in front of our stake. It was super fun and memorable. The migraines were still there, but as a whole, my life was a big boost from my miserable March.
May '18 The 9th Ward
The only sad part of this month was that my cat Phil died... Anyways, I had to go to church with a different ward for the summer. It was cool that there weren't very many college kids around for the summer, because it made for a more tight-knit group. I remember playing a lot of ultimate frisbee.
Jun '18 The Torn Hamstring
I tore my hamstring from playing ultimate frisbee. I got this gigantic ugly bruise covering the entire back of my thigh. And it equally hurt. It didn't help that my car eventually had issues as well. I messed up the undercarriage by driving my car through some rough terrain in which a little ol' Ford Taurus should not go... my bad. So I was kinda immobile. But I did this cool cover of Brian McKnight's "Back At One" at a church thing. And people still remember it for some reason.
Jul '18 The Transatlanticism
I don't remember much about July, other than I listened to Death Cab For Cutie's Transatlanticism album in my car a lot. I would just drive around and feel sad. Kind of a stupid hobby, but such is life. I also ate at Costa Vida a lot. They know what to get me before I even order. It was pretty bad.
Aug '18 The Wedding
My little brother's wedding was the pinnacle event of August. But it should be noted that I went to Bear Lake with the 9th ward and it was super fun. And for the first time in my life, a deer ran into my car, and it wasn't that fun. The young buck took out a headlight and a rearview mirror; not to mention the blood on my windshield. Just 2 miles from my house... Anyways, I performed a couple songs at my bro's wedding and it was cool. All my siblings were together for the first time in 4 years. With Richie (age 21) getting married, it capped off the inevitable stat that all my siblings would be married except me. Kind of a stupid stat, but such is life.
Sep '18 The Vomit
I remember both my anxiety + my migraines taking an interesting turn by September. I have failed to mention that one of my migraine meds actually doubled as anti-depressants. Also, I had some super beneficial discussions with my counselor over the summer. I learned that I have (probably) had high-functioning depression since I was super young. Also, the anxiety I've experienced in adulthood has been way worse than I was aware of. But September came. And although things were getting better, I was also throwing up a lot. Like, every other day. I was used to having physical + mental breakdowns. But I actually had one while I was talking to my counselor... Luckily, a doctor was there for it, and they both gave me the lowdown.
Oct '18 The Quetiapine
Essentially, these breakdowns I've had are the equivalent to passing out. They are panic attacks. I never had them before because my anxiety had always been so constant. Now, with my improvements, I go in and out of anxiety; often marked by panic attacks. Crazy but true. So I was given some new meds. Quetiapine. It works super well. It has made me realize just how terrible my anxiety (and my migraine stuff) has been! I'm breathing better than I have in 9 years. My stomach isn't so tied up in knots. My mind has more moments of clarity and confidence. It's awesome. Only side effect is that it makes me sleepy. So most of my October memories consisted of me not being awake. And it felt great!
Nov '18 The Now
So now I see things in a new light. I started this year with some questions about my mental health, and finished the year with some answers. I'm almost at my 1-year mark with Conservice. I think I'll need to make some changes after that. Not just internal changes... Real ones. Location, career, social, etc. This yearlong gap from Nov '17 - Nov '18... has been one of the most important, emphatic, self-revelatory experiences of my life. I'm glad I went through all this, even if I'm still paying for medical bills up to wazoo. There will be more bills to pay and more life lessons to be learned.
Here's hoping it's fun. Here's hoping it's worthwhile. Here's hoping it's real.
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