The Greatest Bald Albums of All Time

Whenever I visit home, my mom makes fun of my receding hairline. Nobody in Logan ever brings it up. Just her. But what's sad is that I know she's right. It's no secret to me that my hair doesn't exactly get as "long" when I grow it out. It just starts higher. But that doesn't mean I can't rock!
Some of my favorite artists were going bald when their music reached its prime. So here are the greatest albums ever made by bald people.

The "Almost Bald" Honorable Mentions List

#9 90s ALBUMS by Anthrax (Scott Ian Rosenfeld)
He's totally bald now and says funny stuff on VH1 lists.
#8 2000s ALBUMS by Metallica (Kirk Hammett)
Kirk has reportedly uses Minoxidil for hair loss these days. Metallica was better when he had real hair.
#7 Californication Red Hot Chili Peppers (Flea)
Flea has been 95% bald since the mid-90s but has yet to go all the way.
#6 Bossanova The Pixies (David Lovering, Frank Black and Joey Santiago)
All male band members are completely bald now. In case this 1990 photo wasn't oracular enough.

Will Oldham, 2009

#5 The Marshall Mathers LP Eminem
As a kid, I used to think Eminem just really liked getting buzz cuts.
#4 I See a Darkness Bonnie 'Prince' Billie (Will Oldham)
These days he's gloriously rockin' the Friar Tuck + beard!
#3 EVERY ALBUM by Built to Spill (Doug Martsch)
There's basically 0 photographic evidence of 90s Built to Spill, but Doug had to get to where he is today somehow.
#2 Another Green World Brian Eno
He's produced some of the Eternally Great albums ever as a bald man. But he should have shaved his hair off sooner. Oh heavens.

Eno looking more discomforting than his music.

                                                

#1 EVERY ALBUM BY NICK CAVE

"Never never never give up." -Winston Churchill

A Brief Tribute to Underrated Bald Drummers in Popular British Bands

#2 Viva la Vida or Death and All His Friends Coldplay (Will Champion)
Even more reason to convince people Coldplay rips off Radiohead.
#1 EVERY ALBUM BY RADIOHEAD (Phil Selway)
He's been bald for every Radiohead album. Love his work on "Airbag" and "Optimistic." And in case this got you thinking, no, he's not the guy on the cover of The Bends.

Greatest Bald Albums of All Time
*Disclaimer: I decided to not include any African American artists to this list when I realized that +/- 50% of black artists I listen to are either bald or balding. The addition of each individual member of Wu-Tang Clan alone would make this post extremely long. In the music industry, there's some hidden societal role for white men to have long, perfect hair. These guys break the mold. They're new-found musical heroes for future-bald men like myself. 

#12 Surfing with the Alien Joe Satriani
Great guitarist. Looks good in sunglasses.
#11 I Do Not Want What I Haven't Got Sinead O'Connor
(no comment)
#10 Face Value Phil Collins
Never listened to the album (I hate this guy), but it gave us this:

#9 Achtung Baby U2 (The Edge)
This would ranked higher, but I can't tell whether The Edge was bald or not. Close enough.
#8 Teenager of the Year Frank Black
Album cover = #1

#7 Play Moby
Gotta love "Porcelain." And he made a shamelessly bald album cover to boot!

Billy Corgan attempts weirdness

#6 Before and After Science Brian Eno
I think there's a patch of hair above his ear on the album cover! Can't tell...
#5 Rage Against the Machine Rage Against the Machine
(Tom Morello) Yes, this is why Tom Morello always wears a hat.
#4 Mellon Collie and the Infinite Sadness Smashing Pumpkins (Billy Corgan)
Billy wasn't bald for Siamese Dream, so I had to rank their other great album. Also, I think Billy believes his baldness amplifies his "weird" persona.Well... this, among other things...
#3 Minor Threat Minor Threat (Ian Mackaye)
Everything about this is hardcore:

Ian

#2(a, b, c) ALBUMS by Fugazi (Ian Mackaye)
Nobody rocked baldness like Ian. Red Medicine is my favorite Fugazi album, but I couldn't just leave my other faves hanging.
2a: Red Medicine
2b: Repeater
2c: The Argument

#1 Automatic for the People R.E.M. (Michael Stipe)

R.E.M. was hot by the late 80s, launching from underground success to radio stardom. They had been making an album every year, but took a 3-year hiatus. When they returned, Stipe had a Friar Tuck hairdo. Made this beautiful album in 1992. And somehow, Stipe looked 10X cooler.

Not bald? Close enough.