On Sadness/Mental Instability: my mind, Sep 2009-Apr 2010

I started college in fall 2009 a theatre performance major at the College of Southern Idaho. I came in after the summer of my life at Redfish Lake Lodge. When I entered CSI, everything seemed underwhelming. Everything. Friendships. Listening to Pavement. The drama department. The so-called college experience. I was still living at home and drove my '83 Honda by myself to school everyday. Then I'd be stuck in Twin Falls all day. I was almost always just by myself. I remember having a small part in 'Othello' and nobody liked the show. I remember buying a CD at Hasting's every other week. My car's battery would die often. I'd explore Twin Falls by myself and pretended to enjoy it. I remember Tony Mannen complimenting my acting in 'The Murder Room' and he got me to be a more 'laid back' actor. I guess you call it being laid back; when we were performing the show, I once told Kyle Irwin (in the green room, as I was on facebook) "I don't give a single CRAP about this show." In essence, I didn't give a crap about anything. And it wasn't because I was a free spirit (although I'd try to present myself as such). I had lost the ability to care. About anything. Like, at all.

I turned 19 in Novembe. I can't remember what I got for my birthday. I hadn't finished my mission papers yet. I remember saying the word 'douchebag' about 100 times at Shari's on New Year's Eve. I got pulled over 4 times between November and January. One of those times was for drunk driving. I wasn't drunk, I was just driving poorly. Just like the other 3 times I got pulled over. I had a job as a substitute teacher, but was only called to teach twice. So I say I was unemployed. After the CSI semester ended, I stayed in my room with my body curled by the heater everyday, listening to music really loud. I doodled lots of pictures around wrote big, weird sentences I'd come up with. I'd also write poems about dreams, about how love is laziness and how I couldn't feel anything anymore. I often listened to The Soft Bulletin, Perfect from Now On, and lots of Radiohead. It's kinda hard for me to listen to anything I loved at that time of my life. It takes me back.
When I got my mission call in February, I made an effort to say a good goodbye to everybody. This was weird because I was never consistently hanging out with anybody anyway. I left for the mission field unknowingly suffering from depression. It was in the field where this definitely turned into anxiety. I was on pills up until November 2012. Earlier this year, I reached the point (where I still am) where I can't remember what anxiety attacks feel like. I can't remember what being emotionally numb was like. I also can't remember what acting felt like. I don't even get doses of those dark moments. But make no mistake, it still haunts me. Especially this time of year. For the most part I enjoy the atmosphere of a brisk fall morning and the smell of apple cider. On occasion, my mind goes back to the CSI days and the sound of Nick Drake tracks from Pink Moon. I know how to get rid of those sad feelings now. But dang- there was definitely a time in my life where secretly, I couldn't shake it.
Going from place to place pretending like you're happy is a weird, stupid waste of time. I testify of this from personal experience. I don't think myself to be a regretful person, but if there ever was a lonesome, life-altering, regretted era of my life, it was from between September 2009 and April 2010.