"A good memory."

Let's talk about me. That's what we usually talk about on this blog.

But first, let's talk about OK Computer. Oddly enough, another popular topic for this blog.

I was about 19 years old  when I got myself a used CD copy of Radiohead's heralded 1997 art rock classic OK Computer. This was during my sole semester as an acting major at the College of Southern Idaho, in the fall of 2009. I actually love and appreciate this album way more now than I did back then. I find it undeniably futuristic and influential. Sure, I liked it back then, but for different reasons. I mostly related to its discomforting themes.

Instead of reviewing this whole album, we're gonna talk about 1 song. "Fitter Happier." Not so much a "song" as it is a computerized voice reading off the society-approved descriptions of a perfect person, as broken classical music plays in the background. This track alone deserves a novella-sized review, but there's literally just 1 line I want to talk about today...

"A good memory."

So yeah, if you want a long list of stereotypical traits "the perfect person" may have, maintaining a good, strong memory of what you've done in the past and things you've learned before should be mentioned. No real reason to dive into this. Unless you're Scott E Hall at age 19. And you absolutely 100% misinterpreted this simple line into something more specifically personal and pertinent in your life.

I write about depression and anxiety a lot. And I'm doing it again today.

It's crazy how quickly you can lose grasp of your mental and spiritual stability. To just get utterly destroyed. Junior college very quickly whipped me into a state of frustration and confusion I had never experienced before. 2009 had been a beautiful year for me, up until that point. But I was doing what I wanted to do with my life. I was acting, I was starting a college education off scholarship money, and more importantly, I even had plenty of friends living in town. Yet acting didn't feel the same. Being with friends didn't feel the same. Pretty much everything (even in my alone time) didn't feel as good or normal as the previous months of my life. This is called anhedonia, by the way.

It was hard for me to tell if the memories of my recent life were even real. They were good memories that came with strong feelings. And these events even happened recently in my life. Yet they suddenly felt so very distant. And even unreal. To this day, I try to explain this to people and I don't think I can fully explain it in a way y'all can understand. Anyways, I had something itching the back of my mind throughout this semester. During every social event, or any potential spiritual experience, or moment of learning something new, I always thought in the back of my mind: When I look back on this, will this be a good memory?

I guess this thought that makes total sense on paper, but in practice, it was one of many thoughts preventing me from living in the moment. Because I had valued all the memories I made in my later teen years. But during those good times, this thought was never on my mind during any of it. Now here I am approaching age 19 and my inevitable Mormon mission, and I was quietly losing my goddamn mind. Probably a bad time to get into OK Computer, but that was my newest purchase. And when I heard them talking about "a good memory," I really thought they were talking about making (or being part of) moments that will be looked back on as good memories in your future. It's a thought process that would go on to haunt me for 3 more years.

Sidenote: Notice I was already experiencing negative thoughts without the influence of these songs in the first place. Nirvana-hating boomers, take note.

So why am I writing about this interesting (albeit random) lyrical misinterpretation as a 32 year-old man in 2023? I've realized this is a problem I still have today. It's just taken a very different form. All my favorite memories are from years ago. Age 17 and 18 are probably still my favorites, as those were my last days without anxiety and depression struggles. But I can list off other really good years from my college life. Problem is, I graduated from college over 6 years ago. I had a similar crisis post-college as I did when I started junior college. I lived with my parents for months and was usually unemployed, scared stiff of making any life choices whatsoever. And I would go on to spend much of the following 5 years on medications that weren't a reasonable fit for me. 

I think my 2 most immediate struggles these days are loneliness and daily dread. And yet, I really like spending time alone and I'm too scared to change my current work situation. Sometimes, the best feelings I get all day come from memories. 

Much like myself at age 19, it's hard to believe the good times ever happened. When I talk to people about who I am, I can only talk about things I've done in the past, because there is no present worth discussing. When I talk to people about my hobbies and interests and accomplishments, I feel like I'm lying to them. Or that they don't believe me. Either way, I have 0 internal validation of how accurately I view my past, particularly when I look back on something fondly. Is it possible that I can get older and go back to living in times that will make for good memories? Feeling a mental and emotional sense of stability that will keep me living in the moment?

I'm calling 50/50 yay or nay.

Honestly, I realize I just punched you guys with some of my most unhealthy mindsets, both past and present. I figured this was all worth mentioning because I often consider these things when I think about music. I often try to go back to music I used to love. It used to be like a spiritual experience. Like these songs would engulf my body as I listened to them, or even simply had them stuck in my head. I still love music today, but I long for the ways it used to make me feel. 

And speaking of music... OK Computer! I actually never listened to that album much during my Utah State University days because it brought back bad memories of me being 19. But I've gotten over that. Now? I have a hard time revisiting most music I got into from most of the last 6 years. That sounds bad, but I'm sure I'll come back around to those songs in time. Meanwhile, I always switch up my rotation with new songs, and also go back to those old soundtracks to good memories.

While most of my blog posts about mental health end with a generic way of saying "things are getting better these days," I actually don't want to say that this time because I'm afraid I'll just jinx it. I'll instead leave with another "Fitter Happier" lyric...

"No longer empty and frantic, like a cat tied to a stick that's driven into frozen winter shit."

That imagery is just as depressing as it is cartoonish, but there. We can only hope that we no longer feel empty and frantic. We can't force ourselves to not feel insanely bad, nor tell other people to stop feeling that way. We can only let other people know when we are feeling this way, and hopefully they give you a hug or something. Which sounds like a good memory.

Let's Review 'In Utero'

So this blog post really isn't gonna be a good ol' fun time. In fact, this is gonna be PFL (pretty freakin' long). But I'll try to at least keep this interesting. Because I think about this album a lot. And I wanted to make sure I go over this with a more "self-as context" approach, instead of while I'm caught up in the sauce. I'm in the middle of a 3-day weekend right now, which means I'm like 80% less stressed than if I were to write this on a work day. While perhaps reviewing a music project that's historically tied with mental illness sounds like a defective way to spend an empty day, I actually feel like both this music and the topics surrounding it are appropriate for me to bring up. Because I love this album and I often want to talk about it. Yet nobody really brings up this album, nor the corners of mental illness that are directly/indirectly related. So why not just let it all out in a blog post? This is what the internet is for.

MUMBLING AND SCREAMING: WHY?

I do a pretty decent Kurt Cobain vocal impersonation. I was 19 when I started noticing his vocal approach wasn't too different than that of my favorite 90s indie rock slacker skateboarder singers. You just take those voices, and make them sound really perturbed. I guess I can't really do Kurt's iconic growling where it sounds like he's singing through some cud in his mouth. The "Come As You Are" voice. But I really approve of his mumbling and screaming. And there's plenty of that on In Utero. Not to mention he has plenty of say that's worthy of mumbling and screaming.

I rather detest the idea that people shouldn't be listening to music like this. Like, a lot. People are out there like: Why would you listen to something that sounds ugly and has consistently negative messages? I actually take this kind of logic as more reason for bands like Nirvana to exist; and thrive, for that matter. If we were to only fight off our ugly emotions with music that opposes them, that's pretty darn similar to just ignoring that these feelings exist. And it's not like these artists are introducing these negative concepts to us. Especially for those of ud suffering with mental illness, we were already indulging in our own mentally unhealthy thoughts long before we discovered our favorite distorted rock bands. 

As a kid, I found Nirvana super overrated for years. I'm listening to my local radio station trying to listen to Matchbox Twenty and Barenaked Ladies, then they decide "Smells Like Teen Spirit" fits in with this rotation for some reason. It really never did. I took an alternative route to becoming an Nirvana fan. I went down indie rock rabbit holes via internet in my teen years that led me to Pixies and Dinosaur Jr. Then I realized Nirvana sounds right at home next to these folks.

So yeah, I actually totally get why someone wouldn't like Nirvana for their sound alone. Some people just don't like much noisy music. Some aesthetically unappealing vocals, guitars that border on metal. Of course it's not mandatory for people to like this. I just wish y'all would simply admit that was the reason you don't like them. 

THE POSTERCHILDREN FOR MENTAL ILLNESS STIGMA

Every therapist I've had knows right off the bat that I'm a music fan. Every counselor I ever had with LDS Family Services has asked me if I like Nirvana. Or as the first one called them, "that one band from Seattle with that Kurt Cobain fellow." I answer yes, they write down a quick note, and we proceed like that never happened. Look. It is the saddest thing in the entire universe that people stereotypically associate one band with suicidality like this. Heck, even just Cobain's tragic life story itself. Yet I don't think folks realize this... I listen to A LOT of music. Do you have any idea just how many artists I listen to that have struggles with suicidality?

Looking at my top 50 most-streamed artists on Spotify, Nirvana isn't even on there. Yet there are multiple artists on this list who are either currently living after having attempting suicide, or have died as a result of their attempts. One artist I'd like to focus on here is Nick Drake. He released only 3 albums, all beautiful folk music, between 1968 and 1972. He died in 1974 at the age of 28 after an intentional drug overdose. I bought a CD copy of his 1972 album Pink Moon during my first semester of junior college. While his previous albums featured a bunch of different instruments to sounds as full and bright as a movie soundtrack, the entirety of Pink Moon is just his voice and his acoustic guitar. The lyrics are depressing as hell. It is extremely hard not to look at a work so bleak and not try to connect it with Nick's apparent struggles with suicidal depression. 

But your therapist never asks you if you listen to Nick Drake. Just Nirvana.

Your dad listens to your Nick Drake CD sometimes. Just not Nirvana.

Apparently being a Nirvana fan is bad for your health. For 30 years and counting. Much like in real life, people are more willing to show care and comfort to those expressing depressive and anxious thoughts by way of sadness. But anger is an ultimately unwelcome emotion. Respectively, angry people are hard to talk to. Apologies to anybody I ranted at this weekend while I had a migraine. Although, the generational backlash of Nirvana-phobia is apparent proof that angry people are also hard to listen to. 

Now for the record, Nirvana was the most popular band in the world for a few years. And Nick Drake never sold many records during his lifetime. So your parents or your friends or your therapists have most likely only heard of the generational phenomenon rock band, and not the old folk singer you can only find on the internet. I can't help but compare the Nick's story Kurt's. Because the amount of fame Kurt achieved was beyond anything any of us will ever experience. It's a story that people have used to dissect the mentality of rock stars for about 30 years now. Nick Drake was a clinically depressed unpopular artist who quit making music to live with his parents. As someone who also writes songs that nobody listens to and has a history of suicidal thoughts, a review of Pink Moon might actually hit too close to home for me today. While the story of Kurt Cobain after In Utero was equally tragic, I really feel like the toxic reputation behind this man's name and his music needs defending. Or at least I feel like a review of this album would be a defense of myself being a 100% fan of it. Like, I'm just not cool with all the disrespect the mentally ill get for simply being a fan of this particular famous rock band. So let's pick up where I left off a few paragraphs ago. "Mumbling and screaming." 

THE ACTUAL REVIEW

Nirvana has 3 albums. 1988's Bleach was a pure dose of Seattle's grunge scene, and while it will always be my #3 pick from their discography, it's still a great rock record. 1991's Nevermind was their major label debut, and now sits as one of the 30 highest-selling albums of all time. You know, the one with the naked baby reaching for a $1 bill underwater. Myself being born in 1990, I clearly see their surprising rise to popularity as the most culturally significant shift in the worldwide music scene humanly imaginable. They made a big fat loud alternative rock record that sold so much that suddenly every 80s trend became immediately obsolete. I actually think that whether or not they ever got stanky rich, Nirvana woulda made followed up this sound with an album like In Utero anyways. 

Utero was produced by Steve Albini. Cobain's personal list of his 50 favorite albums of all time has circulated the public eye for years, and it includes a couple of albums produced by Albini. The Breeders' Pod. Pixies' Surfer Rosa. Like the staunch beautiful bastard he is, Albini did not want to work with a major-label act of ignoramus musicians like Nirvana. But they actually got along with each other very well. It's documented that Albini specifically liked the band, but hated all the record label snakes involved with them. This hate lingered after the recording process. Utero was apparently originally recorded in the classic Albini style similar to his early-90s works with Jesus Lizard and PJ Harvey. The most raw rock sounds possible, with the amount of clear crunch and extreme volume dynamics to make it sound like you're in the room with the band yourself. But the folks at DGC Records apparently messed with Albini's original mixes, adding some muddied effects to closer match the tones and timbres heard on Nevermind. You know, the record that made them a ton of money. While I'm totally fine with how In Utero sounds as/is, I would LOVE to hear the original Albini recordings.

Sorry for telling you stuff you coulda learned yourself on Wikipedia. Back to some personal meaning... Without access to streaming service yet, I never heard this whole album front-to-back until I bought a CD copy of it while I was at Utah State University in 2013. It was in a $1 bin at the local Hastings (RIP). I do remember an alt-rock station that played the singles "Heart-Shaped Box" and "All Apologies" on a regular basis back when I was a teenager. And I stumbled upon a couple other assorted tracks from it back when I was 19, right before my mission. One of those songs was "Dumb." And I don't think I ever really associated with Nirvana's music until I heard this song.

When I heard this song, I was suffering from then-undiagnosed anxiety. I heard the lyrics: "I'm having fun. I think I'm dumb. Or maybe just happy." This was absolutely not a new concept to me. I was like, "THANK YOU." In a pretty non-poetic way, just hearing this dude mumble about how he feels like he's a stupid person every time he finds himself having a good time... It's a mindset I still struggle with today. I already knew I was gonna love this album the day I bought it.

The opening track "Serve the Servants" is full of golden one-liners.

"Teenage angst has paid off well. Now I'm bored and old." For the record, my mom claims I was the most chill teenager she ever raised. But personally, as an adult, I still feel the same inner sense of rebellion I had as a teenager. Now I find adult life even less satisfying than my angsty teen years.

"I tried hard to have a father, but instead I had a dad." This is technically the dumbest statement I ever heard and I love it. 

"There is nothing I could say that I haven't thought before." Of course. Because that's how freaking thinking and talking works.

I haven't said much abut the screaming on this album. Because I didn't exactly expect it. It shows up in full force on the track 2, "Scentless Apprentice." I honestly don't always like screaming in my music. But the break into the chorus here with that "HEYYYYY, GO AWAY" is just kinda my archetypal example for screaming on rock songs, at this point. I credit the Steve Albini touch on the vocal recording here. Kurt screams on a few other tracks on this album, with my other favorite example being "Milk It." On this track, he screams "TEST MEAT, DOLL STEAK," which is just some ugly imagery thrown into a song that already has some rather grotesque statements on self-negativity. Respectively, this is probably why our parents hate Nirvana more than Nick Drake.

Anyways... My other two favorite tracks are "Pennyroyal Tea" and "Radio Friendly Unit Shifter." "Pennyroyal" has is an excellent show of Nirvana's quiet/loud dynamics, while sneaking in a shoutout to Leonard Cohen. And "Radio Friendly" has my favorite guitar parts on the whole album, and includes the mumbling "What is wrong with me?" refrain, which is a question I ask myself all-too frequently.

So perhaps I did a terrible job promoting this album to people who I already know aren't gonna like it. It pretty much contains the opposite of what you want to discuss with your friends and family. Both musically and lyrically. In fact, going back to that question: "Why would you listen to something that sounds ugly and has consistently negative messages?" That's actually a fair question. I guess it should just be put out there that maybe people actually want to express that part of themselves. Some of us want to see that internal distortion reflected in our stereos. 

MANDATORY SECTION REGARDING A CERTAIN SONG

I did not mention every song on this album because I don't have to. Although when it comes to my personal moral code, I think the most disturbing thing someone could try to defend is the fact that this album has a song titled "Rape Me." Sure, I get that this is an expression of pain. And while the song doesn't actually talk about the experience of sexual abuse, you gotta wonder. Why did Kurt decide to go with such a controversial title? Noted; There's a B-side to this album titled "I Hate Myself and Want to Die." As far as I see it, this is the exact same disturbing message. I guess in the year 2023, I see label executives switching one track with the other. And I honestly do take points away from this album for including a short song that comes off as an attempt at shock value by saying "rape" 26 times. "I Hate Myself" is a perfectly fine substitute that definitely gets that painful message across. Because straight up, "I want to die" is something a lot of people say to themselves. 

We aren't supposed to judge an artist's mental state based on their music alone. Because we know about how Kurt died, it is extremely difficult not to do this. This is why I think, both as people and as artists, we can only front so much with serious topics like death. If you say "I want to die" and you don't mean it, I find that pretty screwed up. Because a lot of people, Kurt included, actually mean that. I guess in a perfect world, nobody says that at all. In a world next to songs about feeling dumb every time you smile, or feeling a burdensome chain attached to your romantic relationships? I think this is a welcome place to just let out all your darkest thoughts and emotions. And I can make an extremely long list of albums I like that work as a place to do this. In Utero, Pink Moon, Red House Painters, Disintegration, Elliott Smith, The Downward Spiral. To name a few.

GOOD AND BAD REASONS TO HATE NIRVANA

I know I feel like this review is never going to end, and it's a painful read, I just have to share another thought about appropriate judgment here. There are lots of reasons to dislike Nirvana. And I've even met in the middle and admitted that even I have my limits when it comes to something being legitimately inappropriate. But then we have Oasis's Noel Gallagher. He critiques Kurt's negative lyrics, saying: "There was a guy who had everything, and was miserable about it... Kids don't need to be hearing that nonsense." He then goes on to compare that to himself learning to love life, even when when he and his band were starting out in dirt-poor conditions. I think I speak for myself, and for Kurt Cobain, and for Nick Drake when I say this to Gallagher: WELL GOOD FOR FREAKING YOU. 

While I like the idea that we should try to enjoy our lives under any given circumstance, I disgust the idea that expressing joy is the ultimate expectation. Whether you're a struggling artist who can't seem to make it big, or a rock star with kajillion dollars, we are all susceptible to feeling miserable, angry, or falling into clinical mental struggles. And god forbid we express that, right? So hard to listen to "Champagne Supernova" knowing that dude is part of the mental illness stigma machine...

Anyways. In Utero rocks. Nirvana is a great band. This much is just opinion. I've associated with their negative side for years. And it's bittersweet to feel like you're listening to a friend speak to you, and knowing that those destructive thoughts could climax to severe internal levels. But it's bad enough that people get judged for not acting happy enough. Heck, I already mentioned before, when I'm happy, "I think I'm dumb." But let's up the ante one more notch: Could we just not judge people for liking Nirvana? Like a lot of other bands out there, the music and lyrics are always there for me if I feel like it. It's the never-ending social stigma that's always working in opposition of progress.

Talkin' Psychiatric Medication Blues

"I wouldn't trade 1 stupid decision for another 5 years of life."

-James Murphy

Let's talk about drugs.

Or if you're like me, let's take some drugs.

But not too much. This is a super long read.

5 YEARS AGO

We're gonna go back to 5 years ago. February 2018. That was the last time I ran a half marathon. That's really striking a chord with me this February. See, this is the coldest winter Logan has had in years. So cold, I started a gym membership to run on treadmills instead of trying to keep running outside. Hard to believe that 5 years ago, I was running 4 days a week outside throughout January. And I was running farther and faster too. I ended up doing that February half marathon in Boise in 100 minutes. I was not cold. I also was not on any psychiatric medication at all. At least not yet. And maybe I should have been? Let's talk about it.

In October 2017, god congratulated my existence with my first-ever kidney stone. I remember a day after trying out some acupuncture, I wondered if I had passed it unknowingly. Because instead of constantly, my kidney pain simply was reduced to being felt on-and-off. Surely enough, an x-ray didn't find anything, and a lab test showed I was no longer peeing blood. I did it! Let me tell you man, I've heard horror stories, and I'm aware that me passing my kidney stone without excruciating pain is hitting the ultimate jackpot. But I was so confused. Why were my kidneys still in pain?

My doctor talked with me for like an hour about how the kidneys are sensitive to stress, and that I was probably experiencing continuous pain because I am a very anxious person. He actually prescribed me some SSRI's. But I can't remember what they were called. Because I never picked them up.

I compensated a bit. I at least started seeing a therapist in November. Honestly, I had been diagnosed with anxiety years ago. Yet I was in denial of how bad it was at this time in my life. Looking back? Of course I think I should have listened to my doctor and started out on SSRI's. But for different reasons than one might think.

THE MIGRAINE HORRORS

At this time, I started running a lot, eventually leading to my half marathon. It was around March 2018 when I started experiencing some trippy shit. Numbness in the face and wrists. Feeling like life around me isn't going on. Prolonged bouts of eerie clarity, borderline euphoria. Randomly losing balance while I walk. Waking up in the middle of the night feeling fuzzy. Pains in different assorted areas all over my head. Frequently dizzy. A tingling crown around my scalp. Slowed speech, where I often forgot how I was going to end a sentence as I was speaking. And scariest of all, feeling an entire side of my body go numb, with slurred speech included. I thought I was suffering from some neurological disease, and even had a brain MRI scheduled within the month. But one day in March, I had a surprise attack while I was at work. Everyone around me watched me freeze up and try to speak slowly through one corner of my mouth. Ended up taking an ambulance to the local hospital and getting a brain MRI right there and then. Despite experiencing most of the common symptoms for a stroke, they found absolutely nothing.

I was diagnosed with "worsening migraines." They gave me a packet of migraine info and told me to go home. I was so freaking confused. I thought I knew what a migraine was. Lightheaded. Cluster headaches. Auras occurring in one eye. Eventual nausea. Apparently there are lots of different types of migraines. I had been experiencing hemiplegic and vestibular migraines. I still get migraines all the time these days, but usually in the form of feeling lightheaded, dizzy, or feeling those assorted pains around my head. Luckily no more stroke symptoms.

So how did doctors help me out? They gave me a couple meds. One that stood out to me was effexor. Effexor is a common drug used to help with severe migraines, and I could tell it was working for me. 

EFFEXOR 

It wasn't until a couple months into taking it that I found out they also worked as SSRI's. My doctor did not bring this up. Found out via internet. But I was ok with it. 

I figured I was supposed to be on that stuff anyways. So I chose to prolong my prescription. For as long as I saw fit. It was hard for me to notice at the time, but this led to me having a very weird summer.

I started having these new breakdowns. Something clearly physiological about them. My body just going comatose out of nowhere, and breathing gets bizarre. They last anywhere from 10 to 90 minutes. I did not see the connection between all this and the pills that had helped me lose my migraines. I've had multiple diagnoses as to what these breakdowns actually are, but most doctors agree that they're panic attacks. And it's apparently common for them to attack you like that, out of the blue. I've had them scattered over the last 5 years, but that 2018 summer, they were pretty darn prevalent.

It was also that summer that my suicidal thoughts felt very real. It was the first time I ever called the suicide hotline. I was luckily still seeing my therapist at the time, who had officially diagnosed me with depression. That was a first. Not surprising, but a first. And in a September visit with this therapist, I had surprise panic attack right in front of her. She claimed that she basically watched me "pass out" right in front of her. Her clinic shared a building with a doctor, so they were able to help me walk over to his office right away.

This doctor knew I had anxiety and depression, but he did not know what was going on. So he told me to come back right away if I had another episode. I did so, in October. And this time, he was just really bugging me. I particularly remember telling him that when he was talking to me, it felt like he was talking down at me. Without much explanation, he decided to prescribe a little sumthin-sumthin called quetiapine. And it blew my mind. I felt instantly sedated. I was sleeping like 10 hours a day, and I was ok with it. Because the way I felt while I was awake was super refreshing. 

QUETIAPINE

It wasn't until a couple months into taking it that I found out these meds were antipsychotics. My doctor did not bring this up. Found out via internet. But I was ok with it. 

Because I had moments where I felt more like myself than I had since freaking 2009. That is no lie. Particularly when it came to music. Since my anxiety rocked me around late-2009, I had missed the way music used to make me feel. It's crazy, to this day, much of my favorite music memories come from 2019. And that was a big deal to me. While I often think fondly of this time, there were some clear outlying issues in my life. I was still also on the effexor, which apparently kept me depressed. I was sleeping much more than working, by a lot. But I was just this warm ball of sedation. I guess it was "good." But it was 0% "normal." 

I decided to switch up my life and get a job as a TV news producer at a station in Twin Falls. I could live with my parents while also feeling like I had a cool job. I didn't actually want to do it, and I kinda just agreed to it to appease my parents. People make choices like this all the time. What made this particularly life-altering was my newfound difficulty with living a more stressful lifestyle on my hefty medication. It was not pretty.

2020 SUCKED

What's crazy to me is that people couldn't recognize that I was dying inside. I had a slew of underwhelming new therapists, including a psychologist. I did take a GeneSight test that revealed which medications worked better with my gene patterns than others. While this changed what specific pills I would stop and start taking, I insisted that I stay on antipsychotics. I insisted that the stuff I was on in 2019 changed my life, and I should go forward with those types of drugs. It's crazy that all the meds I took in 2020 were positive matches on my GeneSight test, because they all made me feel like different types of terrible. Those suicidal thoughts I experienced in 2018 were in full force during this time. But I didn't tell anybody about it.

I eventually moved back to Logan and got my old Logan job back. By 2021, I started taking a new trio of antipsychotics, anti-anxiety, and SSRI meds. I thought it was a vast improvement from any of my 2020 drugs. Which is weird, because little did I think to research at the time: None of these pills were positive on my GeneSight test. Not sure how my doctor came up with these meds, but I didn't even think twice about it. I should probably blame him for all this, but I really should have said something. Or tried getting an opinion from someone else. And this "new" SSRI? It was the return of effexor. The one that started it all.

I actually already had a weird history with SSRI's in years past. Effexor was not my first. I was on something from 2010-2012 (my mission era) that wasn't really much to write home about. Also a couple different times in college where I was taking 3-month prescriptions, after talking with a doctor about my struggles with common migraines. But when it comes to my 5-year mess with medication, effexor is what started it all.

2021-2022 WAS A MESS

Anyways. This trio of meds would be my monthly refill for over 18 months. I eventually decided I was tired of how unnatural my nightly antipsychotics made me feel. I finally found a new doctor I could talk with about this, and he agreed that I should try going off them. This was July 2022. It made me feel free on multiple levels. Free, but not necessarily "healthy." 

My struggles with suicidal thoughts had continued throughout 2021 and 2022. I would call the hotline on randomly assorted nights. But more often than suicide, the act of self-sabotage I often envisioned was running away. I made a makeshift attempt at this sometime this last August. And I'm gonna blame this on my increased dose of effexor.

After not being considered for a leadership position at work, I decided I'd try running away somewhere without telling anyone. I left my phone at my work desk, alongside my literal Bachelor's Degree with the words "WHO DO I HAVE TO BE?' written in pen on the back. I drove to the middle of nowhere. Ended up spending the night in Soda Springs. Returned back to Logan the next day because I had a CBT/ACT therapist appointment, and realized I probably needed to talk to her more than anyone else. This wasn't without stopping by the workplace and giving an R-rated, self-deprecating speech to 2 of my bosses. I believe I said "fuck this and fuck that and fuck me" multiple times. After randomly snapping out at my podiatrist the next week, my doctor decided to tone down the effexor and give me an atypical antipsychotic. While this helped with my freewhein' sense of angst, I eventually took a leave of absence from work in October. Because I caught myself noticing how used I had become to having suicidal thoughts. 

Luckily, this doctor encouraged me multiple times to try to find my 2020 GeneSight test results. I finally found them stashed on an old document on my laptop. Not shockingly, effexor was in my affective red zone. I immediately got switched to a pill with a more positive response. This helped out A LOT. And my story is getting better from here.

THINGS HAVE GOTTEN BETTER

Ever since I started quetiapine in October 2018, I've had nightmares every night. It doesn't seem to matter which pills I'm on anymore, the nightmares have just stuck around for some reason. In January, my doctor suggested I stop taking the SSRI's I had just started a couple months ago. While the nightmares are still here, I would dare say the results of this change were better than expected. Without a morning SSRI for the first time in 5 years, I FEEL EVEN BETTER now. Like, as I'm awake. I tried explaining this to him the other day, and he responded with something a doctor has never told me before: "I can tell." 

For the record, I still take that atypical antipsychotic at night. But that's it for now. I am kinda curious what it would be like if I went from 1 psychiatric medication to 0. But I'll definitely talk with my doctor about this in a couple weeks. This stuff, latuda, it works with both serotonin and dopamine. And it's also approved by my GeneSight results. It's hard for me to tell if I should just do away with medication entirely these days, but latuda has a lot going for it in this argument. I'm ok either way.

So I'm off SSRI's for the first time in 5 years. Aside from the weather getting much colder around here, this is the real reason this February has me thinking of February 2018. And honestly, this is the most "normal" I've felt in forever. I wonder if going completely off meds would help me feel more normal, but it's a tough call. Like, straight up, I was extremely anxious 5 years ago. That doctor who prescribed me SSRI's in 2017? He knew what he was talking about. My anxiety got much worse after I graduated college in December 2016. And life has kinda sucked since then. Especially with my failed games of musical chairs with psychiatric meds. I wish I took those original prescriptions so that I could understand the immediate effects of the pills I take, a skill I only picked up a few months ago. The fact that my first 2 sets of drugs in 2018 were given to me without explanation is pure insanity. And no matter how pressed for time a doctor tends to be, they really gotta explain this shit to their patients. 

But going back to my life sucking since I graduated college... That's not really what this post is about, so I'll try to tie this in briefly. I've struggled with my identity, and trying to separate that from my occupations. I refuse to settle with a stable career, and have preferred to just stay at this job clicking through utility bills with my headphones on. 5 years ago, I was doing this same job, and I'm still doing it today. And it was driving me nuts back then. I really don't reminisce about that time, other than how fast I was running. I honestly must admit, I'm actually less anxious than 5 years ago. More depressed, yeah, probably. But since I stopped taking those morning SSRI's, I've felt much more "normal." And I intend to go forward with that trend.

UNNECESSARY POSITIVE OUTRO

I know it sounds like I just talked a lot of shit about the world of psychiatric medication, but hear me out on this. Try to get a GeneSight test and don't lose it. You could go backwards on mistake. Do whatever it takes to find doctors who will actually talk to you and listen to you. And you should talk to them and listen to them. My current guy just so happens to specialize in this specific medical field, so I lucked out there. Find out what therapy works for you. I take cognitive behavioral therapy mixed with acceptance and commitment therapy. I personally prefer it to talk therapy. 

Holy crap. I just wrote a whole paragraph giving other people mental health advice. God forgive me. I think the overarching message behind my advice and my stories is that we can only find what's specifically right for us, and not for other people. It's honestly the path we have to take. Like honestly, screw all the drugs I've been talking about if they've been bad to you. There's literal science behind why certain drugs work better (or worse) with certain people. You can be on 10 meds or 0. Whatever makes things better. I'm just so glad I feel noticeably more normal these days. 

I absolutely resent all the folks out there who say people are becoming mentally unhealthy out there with their endless search for endless happiness. Maybe some people do that, but I myself have been hunting for some basic psycho-emotional stability. Being able to function with proactive behaviors and being able to feel your full range of emotions sounds like a beautiful combo to me. 

And that's the end of this blog.

Years Accumulate [enter 2023]

Most years are just ok. Some years are bad. A few years are good.

It's funny how little I care about New Year's Eve. Because I actually think about years a lot. Particularly with music. I always remember and rank album releases from each individual year. This is actually what helps me remember the specific years of my own life. Like, 2007 is when I started my junior of high school. I still remember the release of albums like Kala, In Rainbows and Graduation. There are a couple other factors that make years easy for me to remember. I graduated from high school in May 2009. Graduated college in December 2016. But throughout my adulthood, I remember years in waves of rising and falling mental health. 

I'm gonna say 2022 was just ok. Most of my bad memories were at least backed by some explanation. Being sick. Dealing with a foot injury. Finding out none of the psychiatric meds I was taking were actually recommended on my GeneSight test. Actually, yeah, the medication stuff was at the top of my list of troubles (and solutions). I went through strong medication changes in July and November. I'm glad I got that figured out. Most of my biggest emotional struggles I couldn't get over were associated with affects from specific individual pills. 

While things are better for me now than they were a couple months ago, I still wonder when my next "good" year is gonna arrive. I really hope it's 2023. I think that's possible. Different years come with different feelings. Like, I reminisce about 2019 because of the mind-blowing antipsychotics I was on at the time. I reminisce about 2016 because of my friends. I reminisce about 2013 because of my vast personal improvements beyond my multiyear stint with generalized anxiety disorder. I reminisce about 2008 and 2009 because of everything. A lot of the feelings I experienced during these years seem near-impossible to recapture. As though I've lost a lot of these good feelings and they can never come back. Particularly going back to when I was 18 and I felt more free, "in the moment," and like my true self. Luckily, I think it's possible to experience new brands of good memories.

Is it possible to predict how my 2023 will go? Nope. But I mean, I think it's going to be good. I don't have a lot of evidence behind that. I'm just going into it with a lot more emotional knowledge than usual. Equipped with good drugs and good therapy. And money. I have no idea what I'm going to do this year. Like, outside of clocking into work everyday, I have zero plans at all. I'd like to do what I'd like to do. Not so much what I may think I need, or what I impulsively want. Just doing what I'd like to do. Interpret that however you'd like.

I no longer remember the point of this blog post. 

25 Favo/Best Albums of 2022

Here's a list of my favorite (and therefore the best) albums of 2022.

I already released this list on my AOTY account like 2 weeks ago. I wanted to release it in video form. But I don't want to work too hard on that. So I'll stick with the ol' Blogosaurus Rex. 

I must say... 2022 was an excellent year for new music. I haven't said that in forever. Just a large chunk of new albums I thoroughly enjoyed. In fact, I have 14 artists I'd like to give an honorable mention:

Alvvays. Amber Mark. Angel Olsen. Beach House. Cate Le Bon. Gilla Band. JID. Jockstrap. Little Simz. Natalia Lafourcade. Petrol Girls. Pusha T. $ILKMONEY. Special Interest. 

That's a lot. And I only see a thin gap between my #15 and #35 picks. But this list has always been top 25, so I guess I'll stick with tradition.

Here's the list!

25  Destroyer  LABYRINTHITIS 

Dan Bejar gives us more prophesies from his therapist's lounge chair and the band sounds looser than ever.

24  Lucrecia Dalt  ¡Ay!

Natural instruments from traditional Columbian roots are used to create an eerie, supernatural mood.

23  Black Thought & Danger Mouse  Cheat Codes

Kind of a safe pick, but hey, call me back when you find any skips in the tracklist.

22  KA  Languish Arts / Woeful Studies

KA works with his most experimental instrumentals in years to deliver a masterclass lesson on life and pain.

21  Perfume Genius  Ugly Season

One of the most talented artists alive takes a turn in a much less accessible direction, while sounding as beautiful as ever.

20  Daniel Rossen  You Belong There

Grizzly Bear co-founder guides us through his own adventurous take on folk music.

19  Kenny Beats  Louie

A refreshing instrumental hip-hop experience that can get muddy, but finds room to shine.

18  ROSALÍA  MOTOMAMI

ROSALÍA does not disappoint in her promise to deliver some of the most left-field Latin pop you can possibly get in 2022.

17  The Smile  A Light for Attracting Attention

Some self-serious folks from Radiohead work with jazz drummer Tom Skinner for an album that comes off just as fun as it is ambitious. 

16  The Weeknd  Dawn FM

Finally, a twisted album from a mainstream pop artist that got me questioning what in god's name I'm listening to.

15  black midi  Hellfire

The stellar production and chaotic performances coulda launched this higher up the list, if only the songs didn't sound like they were being sung by a guy in a bowler hat.

14  Conway the Machine  God Don't Make Mistakes

Conway represents Buffalo with some of the coldest and toughest rap songs of the year.

13  Kendrick Lamar  Mr. Morale & The Big Steppers

Kind of an awkward album flow, but this album consistently shows off Kendrick's knack for intriguing songwriting and quality bars. 

12  Weyes Blood  And in the Darkness, Hearts Aglow

A step back from the grandiose approach on the classic Titanic Rising, Natalie Mering's songs remain elegant and true to the most humble corners of the heart.

11  Makaya McCraven  In These Times

An undeniably beautiful cycle of jazz pieces that balances creative ideas with dope shit.

10  Beyoncé  RENAISSANCE 

Respectively the type of music I'd play if I ever stripped naked to ride an electric horse.

9  Rachika Nayar  Heaven Come Crashing

True to its celestial title, this is easily one of the most ethereal listens of the year.

8  Charlotte Adigéry & Bolis Pupul  Topical Dancer

Electropop that takes influence from all over the world, with some help behind the soundboard from quirky DJ veterans Soulwax.

7  Chat Pile  God's Country

I love the hell out of this thing, and you probably won't, but this whole thing just reminds me of the type of discomforting noise rock Steve Albini would get behind.

6  Soul Glo  Diaspora Problems

I don't know everything about the punk genre, but I don't think you have to be the "punk police" to recognize just how electrifying and coked-up this band's sound is.

5  Leikeli47  Shape Up

The most inventive instrumentals and catchiest hooks of the year appear on this album that sounds like Missy Elliott reincarnated into the cloud rap world.

4  billy woods  Aethiopes

Billy Woods successfully wrestles through concepts of race, mental health, history, and power on this absolute Rubik's Cube of a rap album. 

3  Big Thief  Dragon New Warm Mountain I Believe in You

Basically Big Thief's greatest hits, as they actually sound like a full band for once and try to attack every angle of the warmest folk rock imaginable.

2  Sudan Archives  Natural Brown Prom Queen

This album has only been growing on me, as its show of artistic prowess and explosive sounds just get better with every listen.

1  Black Country, New Road  Ants From Up There

The best indie rock album I've heard in years not only carries a heartbreaking emotional weight, but holds a distinctive musical aesthetic that nerds with guitars can only dream of.