So this blog post really isn't gonna be a good ol' fun time. In fact, this is gonna be PFL (pretty freakin' long). But I'll try to at least keep this interesting. Because I think about this album a lot. And I wanted to make sure I go over this with a more "self-as context" approach, instead of while I'm caught up in the sauce. I'm in the middle of a 3-day weekend right now, which means I'm like 80% less stressed than if I were to write this on a work day. While perhaps reviewing a music project that's historically tied with mental illness sounds like a defective way to spend an empty day, I actually feel like both this music and the topics surrounding it are appropriate for me to bring up. Because I love this album and I often want to talk about it. Yet nobody really brings up this album, nor the corners of mental illness that are directly/indirectly related. So why not just let it all out in a blog post? This is what the internet is for.
MUMBLING AND SCREAMING: WHY?
I do a pretty decent Kurt Cobain vocal impersonation. I was 19 when I started noticing his vocal approach wasn't too different than that of my favorite 90s indie rock slacker skateboarder singers. You just take those voices, and make them sound really perturbed. I guess I can't really do Kurt's iconic growling where it sounds like he's singing through some cud in his mouth. The "Come As You Are" voice. But I really approve of his mumbling and screaming. And there's plenty of that on In Utero. Not to mention he has plenty of say that's worthy of mumbling and screaming.
I rather detest the idea that people shouldn't be listening to music like this. Like, a lot. People are out there like: Why would you listen to something that sounds ugly and has consistently negative messages? I actually take this kind of logic as more reason for bands like Nirvana to exist; and thrive, for that matter. If we were to only fight off our ugly emotions with music that opposes them, that's pretty darn similar to just ignoring that these feelings exist. And it's not like these artists are introducing these negative concepts to us. Especially for those of ud suffering with mental illness, we were already indulging in our own mentally unhealthy thoughts long before we discovered our favorite distorted rock bands.
As a kid, I found Nirvana super overrated for years. I'm listening to my local radio station trying to listen to Matchbox Twenty and Barenaked Ladies, then they decide "Smells Like Teen Spirit" fits in with this rotation for some reason. It really never did. I took an alternative route to becoming an Nirvana fan. I went down indie rock rabbit holes via internet in my teen years that led me to Pixies and Dinosaur Jr. Then I realized Nirvana sounds right at home next to these folks.
So yeah, I actually totally get why someone wouldn't like Nirvana for their sound alone. Some people just don't like much noisy music. Some aesthetically unappealing vocals, guitars that border on metal. Of course it's not mandatory for people to like this. I just wish y'all would simply admit that was the reason you don't like them.
THE POSTERCHILDREN FOR MENTAL ILLNESS STIGMA
Every therapist I've had knows right off the bat that I'm a music fan. Every counselor I ever had with LDS Family Services has asked me if I like Nirvana. Or as the first one called them, "that one band from Seattle with that Kurt Cobain fellow." I answer yes, they write down a quick note, and we proceed like that never happened. Look. It is the saddest thing in the entire universe that people stereotypically associate one band with suicidality like this. Heck, even just Cobain's tragic life story itself. Yet I don't think folks realize this... I listen to A LOT of music. Do you have any idea just how many artists I listen to that have struggles with suicidality?
Looking at my top 50 most-streamed artists on Spotify, Nirvana isn't even on there. Yet there are multiple artists on this list who are either currently living after having attempting suicide, or have died as a result of their attempts. One artist I'd like to focus on here is Nick Drake. He released only 3 albums, all beautiful folk music, between 1968 and 1972. He died in 1974 at the age of 28 after an intentional drug overdose. I bought a CD copy of his 1972 album Pink Moon during my first semester of junior college. While his previous albums featured a bunch of different instruments to sounds as full and bright as a movie soundtrack, the entirety of Pink Moon is just his voice and his acoustic guitar. The lyrics are depressing as hell. It is extremely hard not to look at a work so bleak and not try to connect it with Nick's apparent struggles with suicidal depression.
But your therapist never asks you if you listen to Nick Drake. Just Nirvana.
Your dad listens to your Nick Drake CD sometimes. Just not Nirvana.
Apparently being a Nirvana fan is bad for your health. For 30 years and counting. Much like in real life, people are more willing to show care and comfort to those expressing depressive and anxious thoughts by way of sadness. But anger is an ultimately unwelcome emotion. Respectively, angry people are hard to talk to. Apologies to anybody I ranted at this weekend while I had a migraine. Although, the generational backlash of Nirvana-phobia is apparent proof that angry people are also hard to listen to.
Now for the record, Nirvana was the most popular band in the world for a few years. And Nick Drake never sold many records during his lifetime. So your parents or your friends or your therapists have most likely only heard of the generational phenomenon rock band, and not the old folk singer you can only find on the internet. I can't help but compare the Nick's story Kurt's. Because the amount of fame Kurt achieved was beyond anything any of us will ever experience. It's a story that people have used to dissect the mentality of rock stars for about 30 years now. Nick Drake was a clinically depressed unpopular artist who quit making music to live with his parents. As someone who also writes songs that nobody listens to and has a history of suicidal thoughts, a review of Pink Moon might actually hit too close to home for me today. While the story of Kurt Cobain after In Utero was equally tragic, I really feel like the toxic reputation behind this man's name and his music needs defending. Or at least I feel like a review of this album would be a defense of myself being a 100% fan of it. Like, I'm just not cool with all the disrespect the mentally ill get for simply being a fan of this particular famous rock band. So let's pick up where I left off a few paragraphs ago. "Mumbling and screaming."
THE ACTUAL REVIEW
Nirvana has 3 albums. 1988's Bleach was a pure dose of Seattle's grunge scene, and while it will always be my #3 pick from their discography, it's still a great rock record. 1991's Nevermind was their major label debut, and now sits as one of the 30 highest-selling albums of all time. You know, the one with the naked baby reaching for a $1 bill underwater. Myself being born in 1990, I clearly see their surprising rise to popularity as the most culturally significant shift in the worldwide music scene humanly imaginable. They made a big fat loud alternative rock record that sold so much that suddenly every 80s trend became immediately obsolete. I actually think that whether or not they ever got stanky rich, Nirvana woulda made followed up this sound with an album like In Utero anyways.
Utero was produced by Steve Albini. Cobain's personal list of his 50 favorite albums of all time has circulated the public eye for years, and it includes a couple of albums produced by Albini. The Breeders' Pod. Pixies' Surfer Rosa. Like the staunch beautiful bastard he is, Albini did not want to work with a major-label act of ignoramus musicians like Nirvana. But they actually got along with each other very well. It's documented that Albini specifically liked the band, but hated all the record label snakes involved with them. This hate lingered after the recording process. Utero was apparently originally recorded in the classic Albini style similar to his early-90s works with Jesus Lizard and PJ Harvey. The most raw rock sounds possible, with the amount of clear crunch and extreme volume dynamics to make it sound like you're in the room with the band yourself. But the folks at DGC Records apparently messed with Albini's original mixes, adding some muddied effects to closer match the tones and timbres heard on Nevermind. You know, the record that made them a ton of money. While I'm totally fine with how In Utero sounds as/is, I would LOVE to hear the original Albini recordings.
Sorry for telling you stuff you coulda learned yourself on Wikipedia. Back to some personal meaning... Without access to streaming service yet, I never heard this whole album front-to-back until I bought a CD copy of it while I was at Utah State University in 2013. It was in a $1 bin at the local Hastings (RIP). I do remember an alt-rock station that played the singles "Heart-Shaped Box" and "All Apologies" on a regular basis back when I was a teenager. And I stumbled upon a couple other assorted tracks from it back when I was 19, right before my mission. One of those songs was "Dumb." And I don't think I ever really associated with Nirvana's music until I heard this song.
When I heard this song, I was suffering from then-undiagnosed anxiety. I heard the lyrics: "I'm having fun. I think I'm dumb. Or maybe just happy." This was absolutely not a new concept to me. I was like, "THANK YOU." In a pretty non-poetic way, just hearing this dude mumble about how he feels like he's a stupid person every time he finds himself having a good time... It's a mindset I still struggle with today. I already knew I was gonna love this album the day I bought it.
The opening track "Serve the Servants" is full of golden one-liners.
"Teenage angst has paid off well. Now I'm bored and old." For the record, my mom claims I was the most chill teenager she ever raised. But personally, as an adult, I still feel the same inner sense of rebellion I had as a teenager. Now I find adult life even less satisfying than my angsty teen years.
"I tried hard to have a father, but instead I had a dad." This is technically the dumbest statement I ever heard and I love it.
"There is nothing I could say that I haven't thought before." Of course. Because that's how freaking thinking and talking works.
I haven't said much abut the screaming on this album. Because I didn't exactly expect it. It shows up in full force on the track 2, "Scentless Apprentice." I honestly don't always like screaming in my music. But the break into the chorus here with that "HEYYYYY, GO AWAY" is just kinda my archetypal example for screaming on rock songs, at this point. I credit the Steve Albini touch on the vocal recording here. Kurt screams on a few other tracks on this album, with my other favorite example being "Milk It." On this track, he screams "TEST MEAT, DOLL STEAK," which is just some ugly imagery thrown into a song that already has some rather grotesque statements on self-negativity. Respectively, this is probably why our parents hate Nirvana more than Nick Drake.
Anyways... My other two favorite tracks are "Pennyroyal Tea" and "Radio Friendly Unit Shifter." "Pennyroyal" has is an excellent show of Nirvana's quiet/loud dynamics, while sneaking in a shoutout to Leonard Cohen. And "Radio Friendly" has my favorite guitar parts on the whole album, and includes the mumbling "What is wrong with me?" refrain, which is a question I ask myself all-too frequently.
So perhaps I did a terrible job promoting this album to people who I already know aren't gonna like it. It pretty much contains the opposite of what you want to discuss with your friends and family. Both musically and lyrically. In fact, going back to that question: "Why would you listen to something that sounds ugly and has consistently negative messages?" That's actually a fair question. I guess it should just be put out there that maybe people actually want to express that part of themselves. Some of us want to see that internal distortion reflected in our stereos.
MANDATORY SECTION REGARDING A CERTAIN SONG
I did not mention every song on this album because I don't have to. Although when it comes to my personal moral code, I think the most disturbing thing someone could try to defend is the fact that this album has a song titled "Rape Me." Sure, I get that this is an expression of pain. And while the song doesn't actually talk about the experience of sexual abuse, you gotta wonder. Why did Kurt decide to go with such a controversial title? Noted; There's a B-side to this album titled "I Hate Myself and Want to Die." As far as I see it, this is the exact same disturbing message. I guess in the year 2023, I see label executives switching one track with the other. And I honestly do take points away from this album for including a short song that comes off as an attempt at shock value by saying "rape" 26 times. "I Hate Myself" is a perfectly fine substitute that definitely gets that painful message across. Because straight up, "I want to die" is something a lot of people say to themselves.
We aren't supposed to judge an artist's mental state based on their music alone. Because we know about how Kurt died, it is extremely difficult not to do this. This is why I think, both as people and as artists, we can only front so much with serious topics like death. If you say "I want to die" and you don't mean it, I find that pretty screwed up. Because a lot of people, Kurt included, actually mean that. I guess in a perfect world, nobody says that at all. In a world next to songs about feeling dumb every time you smile, or feeling a burdensome chain attached to your romantic relationships? I think this is a welcome place to just let out all your darkest thoughts and emotions. And I can make an extremely long list of albums I like that work as a place to do this. In Utero, Pink Moon, Red House Painters, Disintegration, Elliott Smith, The Downward Spiral. To name a few.
GOOD AND BAD REASONS TO HATE NIRVANA
I know I feel like this review is never going to end, and it's a painful read, I just have to share another thought about appropriate judgment here. There are lots of reasons to dislike Nirvana. And I've even met in the middle and admitted that even I have my limits when it comes to something being legitimately inappropriate. But then we have Oasis's Noel Gallagher. He critiques Kurt's negative lyrics, saying: "There was a guy who had everything, and was miserable about it... Kids don't need to be hearing that nonsense." He then goes on to compare that to himself learning to love life, even when when he and his band were starting out in dirt-poor conditions. I think I speak for myself, and for Kurt Cobain, and for Nick Drake when I say this to Gallagher: WELL GOOD FOR FREAKING YOU.
While I like the idea that we should try to enjoy our lives under any given circumstance, I disgust the idea that expressing joy is the ultimate expectation. Whether you're a struggling artist who can't seem to make it big, or a rock star with kajillion dollars, we are all susceptible to feeling miserable, angry, or falling into clinical mental struggles. And god forbid we express that, right? So hard to listen to "Champagne Supernova" knowing that dude is part of the mental illness stigma machine...
Anyways. In Utero rocks. Nirvana is a great band. This much is just opinion. I've associated with their negative side for years. And it's bittersweet to feel like you're listening to a friend speak to you, and knowing that those destructive thoughts could climax to severe internal levels. But it's bad enough that people get judged for not acting happy enough. Heck, I already mentioned before, when I'm happy, "I think I'm dumb." But let's up the ante one more notch: Could we just not judge people for liking Nirvana? Like a lot of other bands out there, the music and lyrics are always there for me if I feel like it. It's the never-ending social stigma that's always working in opposition of progress.
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