Can We Please Talk About Something Else?

I.
These nights feel all too familiar. I remember my first summer working at Redfish Lake Lodge. The nights felt right; sometimes fun, yet often introspective. The sun sets and I look inside, while also feeling at least somewhat part of the world. I remember hiking alone + thinking about music. That summer, I didn't feel like there was any future.

II.

I remember a crush I had when I was 18. LOVE. Perhaps there is nothing/nobody here in Logan for me. When people say "never change," I don't think they really mean it.

III.
A friend was at our apartment last night talking about God + religion. Sometimes I'm pretty sure Christianity + organized religion is just a total crock. I'm pretty sure I don't have the right mindset to be part of this church. I gave this rant about how I'm active but don't like Institute, so why should less-actives want to attend church? I wish somebody asked me...about my testimony. I can wait for General Conference.

IV.

I just got back from a 25+ party at a church. It's not like I felt bitter or pissy or anything, but at the party, I wanted to be alone. I've wanted real conversation.

V.

This is my first time feeling this way in years. People don't realize what I've been through; not even I myself. I'm really on the edge right now, learning how to jump. There's a way I feel after I run outside that's unexplainable. My breathing is different these days; it's hard to explain.

VI.

I developed learned helplessness at some point. I (have) had this idea of who I should be, how I should feel, how I should act. I go to bed every night feeling unfulfilled. I feel so ashamed when I look at who I am vs. who I'm not. It was as though I just realized today I've truly believed that nothing could ever make me feel whole + happy. It's been hard for me to think back on my college theatre days.

VII.

I'm gonna try not to pretend anymore. I'm trying to feel fun happiness + non-depressive contentment.
There were many many many times in my youth where I felt convinced that I was supposed to feel sad, skeptical, and less like my self. Nobody told me...what it meant to be clinically depressed or anxious. You shouldn't (have to) feel like there's some happy past emotion you'll never feel again; you can fix that and should work to fix it as soon as possible.