I WAS A TEENAGE SPACESHIP

I woke up this morning (talk about an over-used line at the beginning of songs) feeling something I hadn't felt in a few years. Last year I wrote a blog about wearing an old hat that made me feel like it was June 2008. I woke up this morning and it was June 2009.

I felt super out-of-place all day yesterday. I spent most of my day in Ogden for a job training and stayed at a friend's parents' place in Roy. I felt weird the whole time. Went to bed on the verge of vomiting. Woke up at 6AM with a song stuck in my head that hadn't been stuck in there for years. Early as it was, the sun was already out and the window was open so I could hear cars rolling down the highway. I was brought back to a time where I often woke up early and the sun was always shining. I wasn't the music junkie I am today; just kinda stuck with the popular Pitchfork stuff. I never dated because I was secretly scared of it. I was graduating high school. I had a dream that I was with my old friends and we were just goofing around (as usual). Spring and summer of 2009 were some of the happiest days of my life.
After a couple years of mental stress, religious devotion and music scene obsession, I have wondered if I could ever feel that comfortable with myself again. Straight-up, all honesty, it began this morning.

This past year or so has been great, but sometimes we forget that things can get continuously better. When I was 18, I was cool. Maybe not to other people. In fact, probably not. But at least I thought I was. It was a time when I learned that everyone was cool. I was a teenage spaceship. And now I am a 23-year-old spaceship.
There are things I enjoyed then; feelings that I haven't been able to rekindle even though I've tried. This is particularly intertwined with music. (ex: Sound of Silver. Is This It. Yankee Hotel Foxtrot.) This morning it all came back to me. I remember the way it felt. I remember the confidence I had in my friends. I remember my personality was 50% shy and 50% boss. I remember how I was actually a really nice dude, but I was one of the best "your mom" joke-sters in Jerome. I was learning about the Romantic poets in English class. I was always doing something with acting. It was fun.
I must balance my current reality with the glory days. These days I have more responsibility. I pay for stuff and fill out papers. I don't like "your mom" jokes (as much). I live in apartments. I go to college. Girls. Yet somehow, I've recently been able to grasp that teenage ecstasy.  I'll try not to think about it too much, but understand that the principle here is both psychologically and prayer-related: Believe in yourself + Be grateful = Everything is cool.

"Flying around the houses at night. Flying alone. A teenage spaceship. I was a teenage spaceship. Landing at night. I was beautiful with all my lights, loomed so large on the horizon. So large, people thought my windows were stars. So large on the horizon, people thought my windows were stars. A teenage spaceship. A teenage spaceship. And I swore I'd never lay like a log, bark like a dog. I was a teenage smog, sewn to the sky."  
(Bill Callahan) 

I WAS A TEENAGE SPACESHIP