I've enjoyed blogging for over 10 years now. But I gotta admit. There were times when I enjoyed it much more. Certain semesters of college. I would often get a ton of views and feedback, too. For the majority of my time since graduating college in December 2016, I don't think I've written much worth reading. I still write a lot, but it's usually a trudge of a read. There are reasonable reasons for this.
For starters... Nothing is happening. College was a fun little package of time where my social situations would change every 4 months. I think of that time in terms of summers and semesters. Since graduating, I've spent most of my time just working a full-time job and doing stuff by myself. Nothing new to report. I miss writing about my life and mental health with this unique anxious energy about my present and future.
Then there's music. I used to write about music passionately. I can't do that anymore. Why not? I feel like I maybe know too much now. Particularly after 2021, where I spent the whole year listening to albums I've never tried before on a daily basis. I can write extremely long pieces about music I love, but nothing hits me like it used to. Miss hearing an album for my first time and obsessing over it. Buying CD's and saving music on mp3 player, long before downloading everything on my premium subscription to the Spotify app on my phone. I now listen to more music than ever. But the thrill is gone.
I think the biggest hit on how I feel about writing was when I started taking psychiatric medication.
This started a few months into 2018. Whether it's been through blogging or social media or real life, I feel like I've spent a ton of the last 5 years just complaining about my life and how I feel. Looking back at how much I've done this (especially over social media), it's honestly embarrassing. And yet, it's not like I was lying. It's just like... Dang. I felt 10 times less mature as a 30 year-old than I ever did in my 20's. Just so many behavioral changes and contradictory emotional experiences. I promise I'm going somewhere with this...
I distinctly remember a couple antipsychotics I took over the span of 1 year that actually made me feel desirably better. Late 2018 through late 2019. I've been on a bunch of pills since then. Some underwhelming, some straight-up bad. I can't go back to those antipsychotics because I was honestly sleeping too much. But I've reached the point where I wonder if I should just go off medication. Unless I come across something that can have powerful positive effects and not also overpower me with sketchy side effects. I'm currently on 1 medication, so you could say I'm almost out. But there is 1 thing I'm afraid of, that I also kinda miss.
Ever since I've been on medication, I haven't felt this anxious tension in my stomach. I felt it constantly since I was like 19, all the way until I was a few months into age 27. During that whole time, I wanted that to go away, and it did. But dang, I've definitely switched from being used to daily anxiety to being used to feeling critically depressed. Going back to the 2nd paragraph here where I talk about "anxious energy" and stuff, I miss that feeling. Yet I'm also afraid to go back to it.
I mean, I look at the numbers, and my recent years with medication have been harder to look back on than my years without. There are a few exceptions; some periods of my adult years where the anxiety was too high. But dang, the 3+ years since going off those antipsychotics have mostly been super depressing. Plenty of distress and dread. I guess I'm willing to try different meds, but I don't feel bad about setting a high bar for how well I expect them to work.
Perhaps it's all about that 2nd paragraph here, where blogging used to be more exciting simply because I was younger and life was just more exciting. I could make music lists all day, although I find that very self-serving. But whether I have more exciting life updates to write about, or some music takes that people want to hear... Could I at least get more excited about this stuff? Excited about anything?
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