Blogging After College Has Sucked

I've enjoyed blogging for over 10 years now. But I gotta admit. There were times when I enjoyed it much more. Certain semesters of college. I would often get a ton of views and feedback, too. For the majority of my time since graduating college in December 2016, I don't think I've written much worth reading. I still write a lot, but it's usually a trudge of a read. There are reasonable reasons for this.

For starters... Nothing is happening. College was a fun little package of time where my social situations would change every 4 months. I think of that time in terms of summers and semesters. Since graduating, I've spent most of my time just working a full-time job and doing stuff by myself. Nothing new to report. I miss writing about my life and mental health with this unique anxious energy about my present and future.

Then there's music. I used to write about music passionately. I can't do that anymore. Why not? I feel like I maybe know too much now. Particularly after 2021, where I spent the whole year listening to albums I've never tried before on a daily basis. I can write extremely long pieces about music I love, but nothing hits me like it used to. Miss hearing an album for my first time and obsessing over it. Buying CD's and saving music on mp3 player, long before downloading everything on my premium subscription to the Spotify app on my phone. I now listen to more music than ever. But the thrill is gone.

I think the biggest hit on how I feel about writing was when I started taking psychiatric medication.

This started a few months into 2018. Whether it's been through blogging or social media or real life, I feel like I've spent a ton of the last 5 years just complaining about my life and how I feel. Looking back at how much I've done this (especially over social media), it's honestly embarrassing. And yet, it's not like I was lying. It's just like... Dang. I felt 10 times less mature as a 30 year-old than I ever did in my 20's. Just so many behavioral changes and contradictory emotional experiences. I promise I'm going somewhere with this...

I distinctly remember a couple antipsychotics I took over the span of 1 year that actually made me feel desirably better. Late 2018 through late 2019. I've been on a bunch of pills since then. Some underwhelming, some straight-up bad. I can't go back to those antipsychotics because I was honestly sleeping too much. But I've reached the point where I wonder if I should just go off medication. Unless I come across something that can have powerful positive effects and not also overpower me with sketchy side effects. I'm currently on 1 medication, so you could say I'm almost out. But there is 1 thing I'm afraid of, that I also kinda miss. 

Ever since I've been on medication, I haven't felt this anxious tension in my stomach. I felt it constantly since I was like 19, all the way until I was a few months into age 27. During that whole time, I wanted that to go away, and it did. But dang, I've definitely switched from being used to daily anxiety to being used to feeling critically depressed. Going back to the 2nd paragraph here where I talk about "anxious energy" and stuff, I miss that feeling. Yet I'm also afraid to go back to it. 

I mean, I look at the numbers, and my recent years with medication have been harder to look back on than my years without. There are a few exceptions; some periods of my adult years where the anxiety was too high. But dang, the 3+ years since going off those antipsychotics have mostly been super depressing. Plenty of distress and dread. I guess I'm willing to try different meds, but I don't feel bad about setting a high bar for how well I expect them to work.

Perhaps it's all about that 2nd paragraph here, where blogging used to be more exciting simply because I was younger and life was just more exciting. I could make music lists all day, although I find that very self-serving. But whether I have more exciting life updates to write about, or some music takes that people want to hear... Could I at least get more excited about this stuff? Excited about anything?

Kilby Block Party Review

I went to my first concert festival last weekend and I'm here to review it. I'll be talking about the 10 bands I saw and 1 particular band I didn't see. This will be split into 5 sections.

i. INTRO

I don't want to talk to much about the festival experience because it was kinda predictably inconvenient. Just a ton of sweaty young adults smokin' and drinkin'. Super crowded. Overpriced food. Porter potties. The works. I went by myself, which wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be. I either just kept to myself or talk to strangers about music. And the kicker here... For someone who loves music so much, I've never been too big into the concert life. Why did I go to this music festival? 

I live in Logan UT. Kilby Block Party takes place in Salt Lake City UT. I could drive to this place. I saw the lineup this year and knew I had to go. A solid list of artists that I've been a big fan of over the last 10 years, some as far back as my rose-tinted high school days. 

The band I wanted to see most was Pavement. From my hometown of Stockton CA, they broke up in 1999 and essentially only tour once every 10 years. Mostly due to the time of my life I was getting into their music, I can honestly call them one of my top 5 favorite bands of all time. They were the closer on the final night. And I didn't get to see them. 

I complained about this on the internet and I'll get to the full story later. But honestly--for a lot of my friends who are into alternative rock or indie or whatever--if they knew which bands I did see, they wouldn't feel bad for me at all. Sure, Pavement was my personal favorite band in this lineup. But the rest of the weekend was pretty freaking solid.

ii. FRIDAY

Deerhoof -- I guess I could have showed up every day in the morning and saw a million bands. But being honest with myself, all the bands I wanted to see were the bigger names in the afternoon. And spending 3 entire days on my feet by myself sounds miserable. But straight up, I wanted to see Deerhoof. I've heard 4 of their albums before, although I was worried I wouldn't recognize individual contorted rock songs. I kinda didn't, which was ok, because they freaking killed it. Their drummer (Greg Saunier) was easily my pick for best drummer of the weekend. And they at least busted out "This Magnificent Bird Will Rise" just to appease me.

Japanese Breakfast -- I missed most of this show and there were clearly bigger fans there. I do remember her (Michelle Zauner) saying that Kilby Block Party had "the best lineup of all the festivals." And I actually agree. I know established festivals like Coachella get much bigger names and much bigger crowds. But I think Kilby was made for folks like within in a specific circle of music media. I really felt like I was getting more bang for my buck this weekend. Which is why I usually like smaller indie shows. I'm even intimidated to see a band as big as Wilco. But anyways... She wrapped up, and I immediately pressed forward for a good standing spot to see Yeah Yeah Yeahs.

Yeah Yeah Yeahs -- I've never been through a life-changing YYY's phase, but I knew they would kick ass live, which they did. Karen O is a commanding stage presence who just wants to dress pretty and rock out. And they know how to have fun. As they started playing "Zero," they released giant beach balls that looked like eyeballs. Which yes, I did get in on that action. But I didn't get into all the action from this show. Before the band showed up, I watched this chick next to me very casually snort a spoonful of cocaine. No, I had never seen that before. She ended up just dancing to herself the whole show, which is what I did, so what the hey. I found the drunk people much more annoying. Anyways, I forgot YYY's released a new album nobody liked last year, which dragged the show a bit. But they luckily played the hits. Predictably closed with "Maps" and "Heads Will Roll," although they surprised me with Fever To Tell banger "Date With The Night" for the encore. This included Karen O sliding her microphone down her jumpsuit and playing around with it like she had a dick, which I can only assume is a stage move she's been doing for over 20 years.

 

iii. SATURDAY

Caroline Polachek -- So the new Caroline album sits as my current pick for album of the year. Of course I had to see her. I met up with a buddy of mine from Logan that afternoon. He came to see different bands, but we at least I got him to see Caroline with me. Some quotes from him on the show: "This woman has a beautiful voice." "This woman is beautiful." He's right. It was cool seeing her perform her new album in almost its entirety, although it reminded me why I usually don't see pop acts live. You get the vocal gymnastics with some appropriately loud synthesizers in the background. Just hard to recreate a studio experience in a concert setting. Still kept me drawn in though. Beautiful songs.

Weyes Blood -- This is a tough one for me to explain. I've listened to her (Natalie Mering) 2019 album Titanic Rising a million times and have a spiritually personal relationship with it. Yet they gave her a super small stage for some reason. There weren't a lot of people there and folks kept leaving early. As for me, even though I like her newest release, it was hard for me to stay interested in these renditions of its songs. That is, except "God Turn Me Into A Flower," which suddenly turned the show into holistic experience. I awkwardly wandered between stages as her set was wrapping up, but I wandered back in awe as she closed with "Movies," which again, turned the show from something disjointed to holistic like a light-switch. I will give her the award for best stage banter though. I'm convinced that AI and astrology are equally fake answers to life's questions.

Run The Jewels -- Listen man... This was the only big ticket rap act the festival had. And it was just what the doctor ordered. I've been a fan of this duo since their debut album in 2013, and in fact love all 4 of their albums. I had a terrible spot in the back of the crowd, but that did not stop me from yelling a bunch of NSFW lyrics and dancing my pants off. Killer Mike opened things up with "SALT LAKE CITY! I FEEL LIKE JOHN STOCKTON UP IN THIS MUTHAFUKKA!" He later gave a heartfelt speech in honor of Mother's Day. These guys are a special breed. I had to take a moment to admire that I was watching 2 rap legends who've been at it since the 90s. Yet their careers are now stronger than ever, and for this show, it was just all about giving the RTJ fans what they wanted. And I was totally fine with that. 

The Strokes -- The Strokes was the biggest show of the weekend (at least specifically for the Utah crowd) and I was sad that I was gonna be miles away from the stage. So many people came just to see this band. But that even included a group of friends I had back from my last summer working at Redfish Lake. I bumped into them and they let me join their crew for The Strokes. So many freaking people. The stage really looked like it was miles away. But you know what. I got into this band when I was in high school and I was kinda loving it. I've heard their first two albums hundreds of times over the years. And they realllly stuck with that material. Honestly played the majority of Is This It. Sung along with every word. I said I'd leave a little early, but I didn't know they would close with "Someday," so I found myself dancing with strangers as I made my way outside the crowd. Like the rest of the weekend, it was kinda awkard, but definitely memorable. Also like this photo I took of a couple I just met that night.

iv. SUNDAY

Duster -- I showed up tired on Sunday afternoon, and hoo boy, this act didn't help. I do like Duster and I made a point of seeing them. But I spent a lot of it looking for a place to sit. And even sitting didn't feel comfortable. Someone near me described their sound as "just background music to get high to." Technically every band that played this weekend took that title for some, but I knew what he meant.

The Walkmen -- Hamilton Leithauser. Remember that name. He's the lead singer for The Walkmen and talented as they come, he's probably the most likable, charismatic frontman I've ever seen. The Walkmen are touring for the first time since their breakup 10 years ago, and you can just tell he felt like the luckiest man in the world just to be back with the band. He ended the show running through the walkway into the audience giving everyone high-fives. But he gave me probably the greatest stage moment of the weekend. As the band started playing their biggest song "The Rat," he runs up to the mic with 4 baguettes cradled in his arms, and asks the audience "Who wants some bread?" He then proceeds to to chuck the baguettes into the audience. You can witness some of this at the start of this YouTube video, from which I stole the good quality photo shown below.

Pixies -- I moved up the crowd right after The Walkmen to get a good spot for Pixies. Got into Pixies in high school, and I thought this was totally worth it. It mostly was. Especially since the place was packed. Got some great photos while I could (including the one at the top of this blog post). I told myself beforehand that Pixies would probably be the best band for moshing, even if that's not my thing. Welp. A bunch of other people had that same thought. And I found myself in the center of chaos. Moshpit, crowdsurfers, it was all up in my face. Nobody was able to stand still or go untouched. My crotchety 32 year-old ass would complain about this, but the show itself was so freaking good. There was no stage banter. In fact, it seemed like there was a mere 3-second gap between songs. I knew every song and the energy was relentless. Well, they did eventually relent... They had to stop mid-song during "Vamos" due to lighting. And I can't tell a lie: This was a real storm.

v. CLOSURE

The only band left was Pavement. I made a run for their stage immediately in case the storm stopped. But it only got scarier. I decided to leave, considering how late it was. Even my hopeful side drove past the venue again 30 minutes later, and it was still silent. But I found out the next morning that they let Pavement do a whole set an entire 90 minutes later that night. I was so pissed and distraught and sad and confused. I bought a tour merch t-shirt for these guys. I saw the band post a clip of the show on Twitter, playing in front of a really small audience in the rainy darkness. I commented with my grief of having left too early. And I actually got a reply from a member of the band (Bob Nastanovich) who sympathized with me and said "See you next xs." I don't know what xs means. But with such a bummer ending to the weekend, this is probably the best closure you can ask for.

So would I ever go to a music festival again? Even though this was fun, I'm actually gonna say no. It made me realize just how much I like specific concert experiences. Going to see a favorite band where you know you'll know every song. Going to a small show in an intimate setting. I think the next shows I go to will be like this. Or heck, on a personal level, taking more opportunities to be a performing act yourself. There are clearly just people who like going to concerts more than I do, or actually find the festival atmosphere more enjoyable (smells included). But this was just such an excellent lineup right in my back yard, it was hard for me to say no. (sigh) Pavement may never come to Utah again. But I'm glad I went.