Scott Then, Meet Scott Now

Hey folks. Scott here. It's 2022. I just got back from a trip in a time machine. I actually won't go into detail about that part. I found one, I was low on time, yada-yada. That's not the point of this blog post. It's General Conference weekend for the LDS church, so I needed something to do while all my friends here in Utah are watching that. I chose to travel back to 2012, and visit my very own self at age 21. 10 years have passed, and I'm still living in Logan UT. This is a long post, but I had a great conversation with him. Thought I'd share it with y'all. 

This all takes place on my old college campus. It's divided into 7 chapters.

-Me, now.

--Me (Scott Hall), circa 2012.

1: MEETING AN OLD FRIEND ON OLD MAIN HILL

[It's the first weekend of October 2012. Scott is walking from his apartment to the Utah State University campus library on a Sunday evening. While hauling his fat backpack up Old Main Hill, he comes across me. I look familiar to him.]

-So I look familiar to you. Who do I look like?
--You look like me. Like, exactly like me. Only not as skinny. And your hairline's pretty high.

-Well congratulations! I am you from the future.

--What? That's not possible! How did you gain so much weight?
-It's called getting old, Scott. I am you, visiting from 10 years in the future. It's normal for people to gain 55 pounds in 10 years.

--Not for me. I can eat junk food all day and still stay skinny!
-Yeah, I remember that, but you better change your tone. Cuz now I'm bigger than you and you're 1 slip away from getting your ass kicked.

--Ok, ok... So why did you come here? To give me life advice? 

-I can't really do that. The last 10 years have already happened, for better or worse. Nothing I tell you can change the course of your future, or my past. I'm here to tell you things I wish you could have known at this point in life. And you can only merely pretend like you're listening to me. Because I know what choices you're gonna make anyways.

--That's very confusing. But I think I get it.

-I don't think you do, but that's ok. Do you have any questions for me before I get started?
--You're married, right?

-...Are you serious? That's your first question? Your main concern is whether or not I'm married?

--Well, yeah. Are you trying to say you're not married? 

-Not even close.

--WHAT??? Scott, I've been going on dates like once every 2 weeks! You mean I'm doing all this work trying to get married, and here you are 10 years from now and you're still single?

-Yep. In my defense, even with these girls you're taking out right now, is there anyone in your life you see yourself marrying?

--Not really, no... I just had a goal in mind that I'd get married at least 5 years from now.

-Welp. Ya can't get married if there's nobody in your life to marry in the first place. 

--You mean I just keep getting older, and that part never changes for me?

-Still the same, Scott. By the way, you eat those giant cookies they sell on campus, right?

--Yeah! I eat one almost every day. But I wasn't gonna get one tonight, because, you know, Sunday...

-Don't worry. I'll buy.

2: COOKIES ON A SUNDAY

[The scene is now set at the café inside the USU library, as me and my former self talk over a couple chocolate chip cookies.]

--Well thanks for the cookie, Scott. Is this something you started doing over the years? Buying stuff on Sunday nights?

-Yyyyyep. In fact, it's pretty normal for me to buy stuff on Sundays, these days.

--Really? What, do you just not "care" anymore? Are you going "less active" on me?

-No, Scott, actually, I'm not a member of the church anymore.

--...Wait, what? Are you kidding me? I'd never leave the freaking church. Are you freaking serious? Like what, did someone "offend" you or some crap like that? Did some Utah Mormon girl break your heart? Are your records still in the church? Did you even watch any General Conference this weekend? Or--(gasp!)--did you get excommunicated? 

-(sigh) Yeah, I knew you wouldn't take that well...

--You even served a MISSION, for crying out loud! I thought you were stronger than this!

-Well, I guess I should answer your questions first. I didn't leave because I got offended. If I left the church just because I disagreed with the views of members around me, I would have left in like 2009. And you know that.

--Touché.

-No Utah Mormon girl ever broke my heart... Like I said before, I've never even come close to getting married. Can't get your heart broken if nobody's ever healed your heart in the first place.

--[singing] "Only love can break your heart..."

-Damn straight. And spoiler: You'll buy yourself a copy of that album in a couple months. 

--So what, did you get excommunicated? What did you do? Where did you go wrong?
-No, I never got excommunicated. My records are somewhere here in Logan. I never "did" anything and I didn't "go" wrong. I chose to stop going. 
--Oh, so you're just taking a break for a year or 2?

-No. Scott, I'm not coming back. Because I don't believe it's true.

--...Now wait. I'm confused. I believe in it now. How did you totally change your beliefs? Did you get too caught up with all your hipster friends?

-Well... You say you believe in it. But answer me this. When was the last time you said, "I know the church is true"? 

--Some time during my mission, so, a few months ago.

-Say it, now. I dare you.

--...iiiii don't like saying that these days.

-Why not? You just said you believed in the Mormon church. 

--Yeah, I just... Don't like that phrasing, ya know? I believe the church's gospel is true. That sounds a little more accurate. 

-Well, is the church true? Do you know?

--Nobody "knows," ok Scott? We can only believe these things. Like... You don't believe in Mormonism anymore. What do you believe in?

-Not a lot, to be honest.

--Oddly enough, I can live with that... Ya know, I came up here to do homework, but I don't know if I'll get much done. 

-Spoiler: You probably weren't gonna get much done anyways. I haven't been to campus in awhile, you wanna wander around for a bit?

--Always up for that.

3: RECOGNIZING REGRETTABLE YEARS

[2012 Scott and I wander through an empty USU Fine Arts Center.]

--So where are you living these days?

- Still in Logan.

--Whoa, really? I'm cool with that. I mean, I assumed I'd get married and stay in Logan, but... I'm guessing you're here for work?

-Well, I do have a job. But it's pretty run-of-the-mill menial labor. It's not like I'm making the big bucks or using my degree or anything.

--Wait, now I'm curious. I don't have a major right now. What did you get a degree in? You just said you don't use it, or it doesn't pay, or something. Did you get back into acting? HA. That was a joke. Or wait, did you decide to go for an English degree? Like you just write in your spare time now?

-None of the above. I got a Bachelor's Degree in stage management. 

--I do not know what that is.

-Yeah, that's... That's a weird story. But that happened. You'll start doing that stuff in like 2 years. You won't enjoy it, but you'll pursue it anyways. Kinda like your mission.

--Hey man. Those were the 2 best years FOR my life. Ok? I made a lot of friends. It's an experience I wouldn't trade for anything in the world. 

-You wouldn't trade Generalized Anxiety Disorder for anything in the world?

--Well, I mean, yeah, I could have done without that part. But no. I served my mission. I did the right thing. I did it for the right reasons. I learned a lot of important life lessons. I got the chance to teach the gospel to tons of people. I wouldn't be here today without it.

-So that's what's most important to you right now, right? Keep the mission going, in a sense.

--Yes. I want to get married in the temple. I want to work hard and graduate from college. 

-I know you're not lying to me. Those are the things you want to do, I remember that. What do you want to feel?

--You know what I want to feel. I want to feel the spirit. But, like, for real for once, ya know? I... I wish I felt as good as I did when I was 18. I haven't really felt like the real me since that 2009 summer at Redfish. I started feeling weird when I started junior college at CSI. Then I got super depressed and was unemployed for a few months. Then my mission came, and I suddenly felt things I never felt before. I wasn't sure what was going on, but I couldn't breathe the way I used to. It took like 7 months before I was eventually diagnosed with anxiety, and I've been working with that. Almost went home from my mission. But I stayed. Things have been pretty up-and-down since then. But it's better now than, like, how I felt in Powell River or North Vancouver.

-Yeah, not gonna lie Scott, that's a pretty low bar.

--I know... But I'm sure if I keep studying scriptures everyday and stay true to the gospel, I'll find what's right for me and start feeling like myself again. And maybe get a good job or get married or something.

-Well, I mean, you're taking medication right now, right? But not doing therapy?

--That's right. Cipralex. My main doctor from my mission told me to take it for 18 months. And I have just 1 month left! I'm both kinda scared and excited about this, because I could never really tell whether or not they do anything.

-Oh, you'll be fine. You'll actually start gradually feeling better a month from now, right after you get off those meds. Pro-tip though: Literally everything you told me right now, you should tell all of that to a doctor. Like, now. I know you won't, because I know who I'm talking to. But yeah, luckily, I can confirm that Cipralex stuff isn't doing it for ya. You'll come across some better pills in the future.

--Wait, I get back on drugs for my anxiety? But you just said things will get better for me soon. Do things ultimately get worse? Do I ever start feeling like myself again?

-It's hard to explain, man. Where you are right now? Where you've been for the last 2 or 3 years? This is the worst anxiety you'll ever feel in your life. Depression's gonna come and go, throughout your life. Sometimes it'll hit you hard. 

--Dang. That is not what I wanted to hear. And yet, for some reason, that doesn't sound surprising.

-Does it sound almost like it's "inevitable"?

--...Yes. I've actually felt that for a long time. Like, even a little back in high school.

-Yeah, I know. For the record, most of the college semesters you have left are gonna be pretty fun. 

--So at some point in my future, I'm gonna feel like myself again? Like when I was 18?

-Not really. I mean, you'll get closer. And that uphill grade is gonna start sometime for you in November. You're really at the bottom of the anxiety pit right now, so you'll take whatever progress you can get, from here.

--Now just wait a minute! "Whatever progress you can get"? What does that even mean?

-Scott. Listen to me. You have GENERALIZED ANXIETY DISORDER. You don't even know what that means. You know you have anxiety, that's good. You know what depression is like, that's good. You've had severe GAD for over 2 years. The stuff that's been going through your mind is NOT supposed to last that long. You don't know that because you don't do any research on it or seek any help. You weren't even allowed to use the internet on your mission, or even have non-religious conversations, so you couldn't learn about mental health there. Heck, even when you saw a couple counselors at LDS Family Services during your mission, they just tied mental health topics to Mormonism. The most concerning thing to you is that you haven't felt like yourself in 3 years, yet you never tell that to anybody. How is this not your top priority in things to take care of in your life right now? Or any time over the last 3 years?

--Hey I remember those counselors. I hated Michelle. Glad I switched over to Todd, he was ok. But to answer that last question, as you are aware, for 2 of those years, I was pretty occupied with other important things, ya know? And now I'm in college, and I'm just gonna figure things out as I go. This is where I wanted to be. At Utah State, a returned missionary, living the "poor college kid" life. 

-Well... I can't tell a lie. You should keep yourself occupied. You're gonna spend a lot of 2017 neither keeping yourself busy nor working on your mental health.

--Pfft. Yeah right. I'm not that lazy. You think I'm just gonna graduate from college and then just stop doing anything at all, at once?

-...Let's go somewhere else and keep talking.

4: BRIEF ODE TO THE QUAD

[Scott and I hike to the other end of campus to lie down on The Quad, outside Old Main.]

--Dang, man. There are A LOT of cute girls here. It seems like they're all just keeping to themselves and stuff, so maybe I shouldn't bother them...

-Scott, do NOT talk to those girls. They're all waiting for their boyfriends to show up.

--I guess I'll take your word for it. But it's just crazy. I see them here every day. Like 50 girls with sunglasses and a book, all by themselves.

-Yeah, um, I never really liked The Quad. In fact, let's go somewhere else.

--Let's check out the Institute building.

-The Institute building? Do we have to? Why?

--Well if we're gonna go somewhere, we might as well go some place where I can meet some cute chicks. And maybe get a date out of it?

-Jesus Christ.

5: AN ARGUMENT WITH MYSELF

[We're now gonna spend some time wandering around the Logan LDS Institute building. There are plenty of people there, including the background music of someone playing hymns on the piano in the foyer.]

-Dear God. I need to puke.

--It's not that bad, Scott. I live in Utah, I'm a Mormon. We're naturally gonna bump into lots of "Utah Mormons."

-Yeah, sometimes I wonder why I still live here... So how did you like General Conference this weekend?

--Dude, it was crazy. Friday night, I drove all the way to Kaysville for a mission reunion! Not everybody was there, because there was a BYU game against Utah State that night. The reunion was fun, but I mostly remember hearing BYU beat us 6-3. ANYWAYS, Conference... Crazy unexpected announcement. They changed the mission ages for Elders and Sisters! Instead of 19 and 21, it's 18 and 19! Isn't that nuts?

-Yeah, still crazy to me today. I don't think you would have served a mission if 18 was the expected age for leaving.

--I know, right??? I was still a kid back then!

-The point I was trying to make there went entirely over your head, but whatever. I want to hear you talk about the gay thing.

--The gay thing?

-The gay thing. From your favorite apostle. 

--Oh yeah! Dallin H. Oaks said something that rubbed me off the wrong way at first, but I usually agree with him, so I think he's right about this one. He said same-sex marriage is a social experiment, and we just don't understand its consequences yet. I've always been a proud "Democrat Mormon" and have been very much for same-sex marriage, but I got the chills when Elder Oaks said that. I mentioned this to my roommate Kegan. He's gay, we're friends, but I just thought I'd express to him that I'm considering changing my beliefs on same-sex marriage.

-You are a moron. But spoiler: You're gonna change your mind about that, again. Like, a few days from now. I try not to remember what you just talked about. It really makes me cringe.

--Oh yeah? Well did you even watch Conference this weekend? You think you did something less cringeworthy?

-No, I haven't watched Conference in like 2 years. I see Mormonism as an ex-girlfriend. I don't stalk her or try to dig up dirt on her, or even think of her much. I'm sure if people want to see her ugly side, her own words will speak for themselves. Perfect example: Same-sex marriage is now legal in all 50 states. We're living with those "consequences." The world is literally the same place as it's always been, for me. As for gay people, the world is that much better, with more legal rights and social acceptance. So... Yeah. Dallin H. Oaks. Never really been the king of hot takes. 

--I'll have to pray about all that, but ok.

-As for potentially "cringeworthy" things I did this weekend, I spent most of my time writing this blog post about me talking to you. And I'm still not done yet. I'm here to tell you things I wish you could have known at this point in life. Mostly stuff about mental health, religion, and relationships.

--Relationships? Like dating? Or my friends and family and stuff?

-Well, let's start with, dating. Remember when I said I've never been close to getting married? Fact is, I've kinda never been in a real relationship before...

--WHAT???

-...Except kinda this girl named Lauren, from Chicago. We "tried" dating each other for a few weeks. But we really never spent much time together. And never even kissed each other.

--You gotta be kidding me.

-Nope. Them's the facts. 

--Why not? What have you been doing wrong? I mean, I've never kissed anyone before either, so I guess this is a "we" thing and not just "you."

-Perhaps we aren't necessarily doing anything "wrong" in the dating world. Perhaps we just don't take any big risks with anything important to us. Perhaps we have a personality disorder we won't find out about until we're 31.

--What?

-Nevermind, I told myself I wouldn't bring that up. But yeah. You and I have always had issues taking big risks toward reaching our most desired goals.

--I disagree with that. I served a full 2-year mission, and I was committed, even when things felt really bad. And hey, I wasn't much of a dater before, but I'm into that now. Not to mention I used to be pretty dedicated to acting, as a teenager.

-Was your mission a choice you made for yourself?

-Yes. What else was I gonna do between 19 and 21? That was always my only plan.

--Ok, so you prepared yourself for it?

-I don't think anything could prepare anyone for a mission, man. I was prepared to leave my hometown for 2 years. There was a lot of church stuff I didn't totally understand, but I think a lot of teenage boys are that way.

--So you got a job to raise money so you could pay for your mission? You took those missionary prep classes? You read Preach My Gospel? You bore testimony of the church being true and didn't just talk about generic life lessons?

-I didn't necessarily do any of those things, but that's normal.

--No, Scott, YOU NEVER CARED. Yes, I know, it was your only life plan after your 19th birthday. But you had no idea what going on a mission implied. And you had zero interest in any of the gospel-oriented things you've been making yourself care about, for the last 2 years.

-Hey, these are GOOD things, ok? It doesn't matter if it's "forced" or if it's what you're actually into. This is the true gospel, and it's worth the extra might and effort.

--So what efforts have you been putting into feeling like yourself again?

-I try listening to music I liked back then. It doesn't feel the same. But I try to stay positive. I try to care more about other people. 

-That's it? That's all you got?

--Are those BAD things, Scott? Being positive is a BAD thing? Thinking of others more often is a bad thing? Heck, that was the main lesson I learned on my mission.

-Being positive is not a "bad" thing. But it's very general. And you are a unique, individual person. You need unique, individual help. And you freaking know it. And no offense, keeping others in mind is a great lesson, but I don't think you needed to serve an expensive, anxiety-ridden, 2-year mission to learn that. And you're gonna learn this in the future, but you think about yourself wayyyyy more than you think you do. More than most other people. To a clinical extent. 

--I am aware that anxiety is tied with me worrying too much, but it's not like I'm prideful or something.

-(sigh) I know you're not prideful. In fact, it seems like any sense of confidence you have is driven by some crazy internal struggles with self-worth. To this day, I'm either too meticulous with things, or I'm too careless about them. Are you not the same?
--Well, yeah, but what's wrong with that?

-You end up not taking any RISKS, Scott. Actively dating? That's something you were told to do. You never go on 2nd dates anyways. Serving a mission? Also something you always just assumed you'd do. And it's caused you the fattest anxiety you've ever experienced in your life. Going to college? Also in line with your presumed future. Beyond all this? You don't know what to do. So you may end up not doing ANYTHING. You don't know what kind of job you want. You don't know how to get into a real relationship with a girl. You even caught up in wondering too much about "how you should feel" in the middle of situations, as they're happening. That's why you never feel like you're "in the moment." It's also why you can't seem to make the most meaningful moments in life happen.

--GOSH, SCOTT, I THINK YOU'VE MADE YOUR POINT! Ok? Did you go back in time just to tell me a bunch of negative and depressing stuff?

-I went back in time to tell you things I wish you knew at this point in life. I know you're aware that you get "too negative." But that's way too vague. And you're just gonna roll with that logic for years. I wish you knew that all this stuff I'm telling you isn't new. I wish you understood this is inside of you right now. And it's been inside of you for a long time.

6: A "COME TO JESUS" MEETING

[An Institute teacher heard yelling and walked over to inform us we're being too loud. We could either leave, or quiet down. We agreed we could quiet things down. We move our conversation to the building's West chapel. It's empty. The lights are off. The sun shines through the tall windows on room's West wall, as it sets behind the Wellsville mountains in the evening. We sit in the pews and talk in softer tones.]

--Wow. This is actually really peaceful.

-Yeah, spoiler: There's gonna be like, 1 month in 2019 where you sit here alone and think every Sunday night. Ironically, you spend a lot of that time contemplating leaving the church. But the atmosphere ain't too shabby.

--I still can't believe you left the church though. There are times where a friend of mine leaves the church and I'm cool with it, like I think they did what was right for them, for good reasons. But then sometimes I see someone leave the church, and I'm disgusted. Like, I see them as weak. I'm pretty torn about this right now. My future self leaving the 1 thing I've stayed true to my whole life.

-I'm gonna segue this topic into something else. You seem pretty surprised about this church-less part of my life. But when I tell you things like "I don't believe in much," or "I don't use my Bachelor's Degree," or "depression's gonna hit you hard," you responded with disappointment, yet not surprised. Why not surprised about those things?

--Well, I don't know man... Things like a successful job with good income, or being married with kids... That's always seemed like a distant dream to me. I even remember before my mission, people would ask me what I want to do with my life in the future. Instead of giving them an actual response, or an honest "I don't know," I would joke around about hitchhiking trains across America with my guitar. Now? Yeah, you're right, I generally want to get married and generally want to get a good job, yada-yada. But I don't really see or feel those things happening in my future, ya know? Like, success is just a dream. I'm not sure if I'll ever feel like myself again.

-And as I've said, you technically won't. Although these days, it's more like, I feel like myself for a few hours, then it just comes and goes. Usually on days when I'm off work.

--Are you saying you don't even like your job?

-Not at all. I don't think I've ever liked a job I've ever had. It's an anxiety thing. Which explains the intense anxiety on your "always productive" mission. And heck, don't you have the same issues with your phonathon job you have right now?

--Hoo boy. Yep. Ugh. So that doesn't go away?

-Everything gets better, to an extent. But no, the workplace environment is still the low-point of mental illness in your day.

--Dang. I just always thought I'd become a harder worker someday, and I wouldn't always feel like crap while I'm at work. Or at least I'd become good at something, and get a job that way.

-...Let me ask you something, Scott. Are you smart?

--Am I smart? I mean... I don't like to think of myself that way... Like, I mean, isn't that kinda prideful? To think of yourself as "smart"? I don't know... I'm gonna say no. Even if the answer may technically be "yes," if you're asking my parents or something. Or even myself when I was like 17, I used to think I was smart... But I'm gonna throw this right back at ya, Scott. You're "older and wiser." Are you smart? Do you think you're smart?

-...(sigh) No. I'm still not there yet. Some things never change.

--So I never become smart, eh?

-I don't know, man. Like you said, technically, everyone's really smart. But I'm still kinda at odds with thinking of myself that way.

--...But isn't there a certain amount of positivity we should try to have? Sometimes I think that's the only thing that keeps me going. Whether it's false or forced or whatever. I think it's worth trying out.

-Ya know, as generic advice at that seems, I gotta admit, you got that on me. I don't even try to be positive, these days. Like I said, I didn't come here to give you advice. I don't really think I'm in a place to tell you what you should learn. Maybe I'm just another liberal who left the Mormon church, but it's not like I'm "woke" or anything like that.

--"Woke"?

-Oh yeah, that's not a thing yet. Um, nevermind that part. But yeah. If anything keeps me going, it's those brief little moments where I feel like myself. Whether that's feeling more content or happy or confident. I strive to feel those things as often as when I was 18. When we were ambitious about acting, when we had friends we saw everyday, when we were hiking the Sawtooths. I'm 10 years older than you, but those late teenage years still make for most of the best days of my life. And I don't even mean that in some "nostalgic longing for teenage hormonal memories" way, or some "I reached my peak in high scool" kinda way. Nah, we never really had a normal "childhood." Scott was never "just a dumb ol' kid who liked to have fun." I just miss those teenage days because we were a noticeably more mentally stable, and therefor happier. And I know you feel the same way.

--Yeah... But I mean, I was an active Mormon that whole time. Was that bad for me?

-Nah. I told you about how I loathe generic life advice and general positivity. Mormonism promotes a lot of that stuff, and that's not bad. But I'll tell you this. I've been on antipsychotics for most of the last 4 years. 

--Whoa, dang, antipsychotics? Did you go crazy or something?

-No, Scott. I would dare say you went crazy. And you know what I'm talking about. All that depression and anxiety you felt in the months before your mission? And those "out-of-body" experiences you felt on your mission, as though you were watching all your experiences from a third-person perspective on TV? That's some traumatic shit, Scott. Over 10 years later, you still can't seem to make sense of it. There's still pieces of that inside me. I still feel very confused and immature. Anxious and depressed. I pressed forward without much help for years. Kinda like you right now. But I still need all the help I can get. And I'll take whatever I progress I can get.

--...Ok, I'm just gonna ignore the fact that you said the s-word in a church chapel. But of all those things you just said, do you really think Mormonism is the source of your mental illness? Like, Christianity?

-Nah. Like I said, even as kids, we had our own mental illnesses. Just a little more melancholy than the next kid, and whatnot. It's just funny to me... You never liked the concept of organized religion. At least, as a young adult. Yet you stick around with this one as though it's an exception to that rule. Why?

--I've had a lot of spiritual experiences through Mormonism, Scott. I can't deny that. I owe a lot to this church. You know what it's like when you go into the temple.

-Lots of people feel that. And yet as the church functions--as was made obvious to you on your mission--it runs just like any other organized religion. Catholic, Jehovah's Witness, Islam. Relying on individuals with individual needs to hold to the same sociological beliefs as everyone else around them. Living off the same generic positivity as everyone else. And then of course, there's the whole "required tithing" thing, which is a different level of sketchiness, but I'm not gonna go there. Being part of an organized religion will always come with the implied asterisk that you and its members are morally superior to those who aren't part of it, and those people are simply incorrect. And the church doesn't even hide it. It's right there in all its doctrine. And that's the mindset that killed you on your mission. No real surety of what is right and true. It's what kills you in other areas of your life, too. Still does for me, today. Gotta admit, Mormonism and Christianity can be kinda good. But when it comes down to what you, Scott E Hall, actually believe, you just want to do your own thing and find out for yourself. And that's the religious perspective you'd wish everyone else could convert to.

--...You just did a lot of talking, so I'm trying to process this... I will say, there have been times where I've prayed about whether or not I should stay in the church. And I always get this spiritual impression as though I need to keep going. Because it's what I'm supposed to do. And it's the life I'm supposed to live.

-You know, as much crap as I just talked about Mormonism, I can't deny your experience. In fact, you're gonna have plenty of more prayers like that, and they're gonna make you cry sometimes. I can regret my past as much as I can... Things like not ditching my mission, or not leaving the church sooner... And yet, I wonder: If I never went through those past experiences, would I be where I am today?

--I thought you hated where you are today.

-Touché. But fact is, if I'm preaching my real gospel to you, I just want you to do your own thing, Scott. And you're gonna feel a little better pretty soon! You mentioned you don't "feel" music anymore? You're gonna get that feeling back, to an extent. For starters, that new Kendrick Lamar album will change the way you think about music.

--Who's Kendrick Lamar?

-Dang. Too soon. My bad. Ummm... Let's get out of here. This has been a long conversation, and I usually don't talk for this long.

--You know me too well.

7: NOT BEING CORNY ON OLD MAIN HILL

[This final scene takes place back on Old Main Hill, as 2012 Scott walks down to his apartment on "the island" section of Logan. Sun is pretty much down. The Logan LDS temple is lit up in the distance.]

-Sorry if this felt like a waste of time. I just wanted to reiterate that there are some deeper cognitive issues that have been rooted inside for years. But none of that will be revealed to you until years later. And I still struggle with those things.

--So my life sucks right now and it's still gonna suck 10 years from now?
-THAT... Is kinda accurate, yeah. 

--Well, you seem like an interesting man.

-Ew. Gross. Don't call me that. Just call every guy a "guy." Please.

--Ok. I'm gonna go home and try to do homework. What are you gonna do when you head back to 2022?

-Haha, probably just watch YouTube then go to bed.

--Are you for real? 

-I work somewhere 40 hours a week, and I have no friends. No homework, no social obligations...

--Well, I'll try to remember the stuff you told me tonight. I guess you came off as preachy sometimes. Even mad at me, maybe. But it seems like deep down, you're a sincere guy, just trying to do what's best for you.

-I feel the same way about you, Scott. Although there's something about you these days... It's kinda funny to me now, but it's related to your current state of anxiety... You're not gonna remember a damn thing about our conversation tonight.

--What? How could I forget a visit with my future self? 

-Do you even remember the names of the girls you went on dates with last month?

--...No. No I don't. 

-Yeah, that's been a thing for you these last few months. You got another month or 2 before your memory kicks back in... I really don't know how to say goodbye without being awkward. I did come here using a time machine, but my townhome is only like 5 miles from here, so I'm not sure how that part works.

--Wait a minute! You're telling me. You live in a townhome? And not in an apartment with a bunch dumb college kids?

-Well, I figured the "time machine" part would hit you harder, but yes. I live in a townhome outside Providence. And I have a private room.

--A PRIVATE ROOM??? That's--That's unbelievable! That's all I ever wanted in life!

-Haha! Well, if those are your super lofty goals right now, I guess you can say I'm doing pretty good for myself after all. See ya Scott.

--No goodbye hug?

-Nah man. That stuff's corny.

THE END.