Me Every Day

We are all buried in memories. 

Which is not necessarily a bad thing. A lot of us just proceed digging forward through life. So while we're adding more memories to pile above our heads, the weight doesn't bother you that much when you stay focused on digging deeper into life. Until you die. Then you are buried beneath literal soil. But I guess you can also say your body is buried beneath the memories you left behind. And in each case, you're unable to dig. Analogy of the year.

I think there's such a thing as being too focused on the memories of your past weighing above you. I also think there's danger in continuously digging without direction or taking breaks. I think about both of these things a lot. So I usually choose the middle ground and just do nothing. I suppose this isn't concerning, on the surface. But as mentioned in the previous paragraph, to stop digging--to stop living--is to be dead.

Everyone reading this has known me at some point in my life. So you know me. But which version of me do you know?

A lot of my choosing to remain stagnant in my life choices comes from my personal cognitive issues. I don't want to move forward with something, unless I 100% know it isn't a stupid idea. Which is a tough nut to crack, because I believe most of my past choices were stupid ideas. I don't want to accept a lot of the memories that hang above me. To match that, I'm convinced that for me to dig any further at all is to dig recklessly. Does that make sense?

So which version of me do you know? The middle schooler obsessed with classic rock? The skinny teenager who developed an ambition for acting? The LDS missionary who talked about Jesus a lot? The college journalist, or the college stage manager? The more introverted (and isolated) adult who hates his job? It's crazy for me to admit this, but through all those eras of my life, I was the same person. I have always been me every day. And I can only be me going forward. 

As obvious as those statements may sound to some, I'll contextualize why the concept of "being me" is huge for me. I struggle to actually feel like myself. I tend to look at a past regret and shove it aside, like, "nah, that doesn't count, that wasn't the real me." I can't do that anymore. Whether I felt like myself at that time of my life or not, it was literally me who did it. Even now, I'm hesitant to make choices and take actions in moments where I don't feel like myself. I don't want to risk further potential regrets. But I kinda have to. Real life requires risks.

I think some people with fond memories of me might be confused reading this, like, wondering if I've secretly done a bunch of illegal stuff in my past or something. That's not what I'm talking about. I kinda just regret most things, period. Times where I acted too self-serious, as well as times where I acted relatively naïve. The times where I asked a girl out, and the times where I didn't. Heck, I'm not sure what I'm gonna do today. I have the whole day open. But I'll probably do something stupid. Do you see what I'm getting at?

To step aside from the pity party, 2022 has had some good moments. My therapist and I have recently discovered I have avoidant personality disorder. Which explains a lot of the mindset and emotion behind a blog post like this. Like, at least I know why I think the way I think. I have a better understanding of my deepest beliefs about myself, and what specific obstacles I could be working on.

People have always told me that making progress with mental health is a slow process. I'm pretty sure I'm in the thick of that right now. No instant changes coming from me any time soon. But more importantly, I really don't feel "stuck" anymore. So as for my future self, I'm still playing life relatively safe for now. I think I'll run a half marathon at the end of the summer. It would be my fourth. I have a dating app on my phone. Ineffective, but still used. Umm... That's about it. I just have to accept that whatever my next steps are, it will be me doing it. And that's who I've always been.

Thanks for reading this, by the way. This was long.