(To Be Or Not To) Be

Something happened in my mind while I was at work today. Something I never assumed would ever actually happen in my life. I unintentionally thought about Shakespeare. 

A profound question came up during a recent session with my cognitive behavioral therapist: "Who do you want to be?" While I can go a million directions with this question, the 2 words that stuck out to me this morning were "to be." The act of being. What does it even mean to be anything? Then I realized...Those are the first 2 words from the most infamous theatrical speech written in the English language. A play I've had to read 3 times, because it's the most famous play from the most famous playwright in the English language. I've ever performed this freaking speech onstage before. 

Shakespeare. 

Hamlet. 

"To be, or not to be?" 

That is the question. And despite having read and heard this question hundreds of times, I'm just now internalizing what it really means to "be." Also, what it means not to be.

With or without the context of Hamlet's weird-ass plot, this sounds like someone seriously considering suicide. The question is, is it better to keep living, or to just not exist at all?

The answer to this may sound obvious to some of y'all, but I actually find it difficult to assume life is the answer. One of the greatest rappers of all time, Common, released an album in 2005 simply titled Be. The album cover is just a picture of the dude smiling. We get it, Common. Just be. Embrace life. Live in the moment. Do what you love. Rap over old soul music. The album's great, but I'm skeptical of your optimism. 

While I have been alive my whole life, I think there have been times when I have chosen not to be.

I have been so many different people throughout my life. But back to the original question: "Who do you want to be?" I can't honestly give a straightforward answer to this question. I don't know who I want to be. And it's been that way for years. So this leads to assorted phases in my life where I'm not really being anyone at all. Someone simply existing, but not being. No identity. No desires or goals or direction. But I look back at different times in my life, ya know? And I'm like...Who did I want to be back in high school? During college? A couple years ago? While each era of my life comes with different answers, I'm developing a hunch as to who it is I truly want to be. 

In order to figure out who I want to be, I have to surpass one vital step. It may seem like a baby step for some, but a mammoth leap in my world. 

Who do I want to be? I'll get to that in a sec. I first need to decide whether or not I'm willing to be someone in the first place. 

To be, or not to be? 

The answer is to be, by the way. It's just very difficult for me to be somebody. Even Hamlet himself points out that the choice not to be would put an "end to the heartache." And yet it seems in my attempts to avoid heartache, it's like I go into every situation with the preexisting notion that I have already broken my own heart. I think happy people are sell-outs and confident people are annoying. Do I want to be an annoying sell-out? I think I've finally reached a point where that sounds like a better alternative to not being anyone at all. I choose to be.

That would be a cute place to end this rant, but my literal future actions are still unknown. Now that I've decided to be, who do I want to be? We're workin' on it, folks. I will say, my mind always goes back to 2009. A year I reached some soulful high's, then later hit some soulless low's. Who was I in 2009? Well...Even the people who think they know, don't really know. Thus here I am taking cognitive behavioral therapy 12 years later. And I love it, by the way.

There are no actual events in my life right now indicating a fresh new start for me. But I am almost finished paying off my student loan debts. And this makes me feel like an era of my life is ending. 

Who do I want to be? For now, I just want to be.