BIG FEELINGS

i. Big feelings.

My eventual inevitable departure from the Mormon church will be driven by the same thing that inspires people to join the church: Big feelings.

Big feelings influence people to make big decisions. 

I realize "big feelings" is a vague and stupid term, but I'll be using it a lot in this post. It's something people never talk about. Some people never talk about "big feelings" because they think talking about their emotions is a sign of weakness. Others attach these feelings with sacredness. Some of us are confused by strong emotions due to personal experiences with mental illness. "Big feelings" may come off as a vague and stupid term, but it's undeniably universal. And today I'm gonna go there. 

I had spent most of today hiding out in my apartment, feeling like a pile of garbage incapable of performing simple tasks. Then I went for a run. And I've felt better ever since. 

It happens. My body releases endorphins, my breathing improves, and I feel more connected with reality. One reality I unfortunately deal with is my brain's imbalance of neurotransmitters; specifically serotonin and dopamine. This is a fancy way of saying I have clinical depression and anxiety. 

I take medications for these mental illnesses. And while I've noticed personal improvements directly correlated with my recent prescription dosages, I still see people around me and wonder what it is they're feeling. Happiness, contentment, confidence, focus, eagerness, connection, energy, peace...I usually don't feel these things. I wonder what it's like to live life with efficiently-functioning neurotransmitters. I also ponder the meaning behind my history of emotions. But I'm aware I shouldn't spend too much time thinking about my past and its circumstantial "what-if's." Fact is, as mental stability improves, we experience more moments of clarity. Which makes way for big feelings.

ii. Individualism.

Had a touching moment last week. Met with a girl I had matched with on a dating app. Super nice of her to agree to this, considering she'd be moving away soon. But we had a great chat. We started following each other on instagram the next day. She posted an inspiring piece expressing love and appreciation for all her friends--adding in there--"even if we've only met once."

She was actually raised in the Mormon church herself, but has been inactive for 7 years. I expressed to her that I've been trying to leave the church. She suggested I don't remove my records, but simply "just stop going." Her reasoning behind it made sense, that being, it's easier to avoid drama that way (particularly with family). While I myself no longer see LDS covenant acts as having any literal substance between our world and the supernatural, I must consider what this means to my parents. They were sealed (married) in an LDS temple. This covenant act ensures an eternal, divine afterlife with all their children, under the condition that all family members live within the bonds of their LDS-conducted covenants. So in my eyes, asking for record-removal isn't a big deal. I just don't want to be a member of a religion anymore. But to them, this means I would not be with them in God's presence after we die. 

Now on that rather drastic note, here's something vital I believe about "big feelings." I think sanctifying our feelings is personal and dangerous business. 

How is it personal? Personally, I believe in a God. I believe some moments are controlled beyond the elements. I decided to walk around my neighborhood in the dark one autumn night in 2018. I came across a couple strangers surrounding a bike wreck. I felt impressed to walk over there and check it out myself. The injured biker was my roommate, lying on the road in a concussed state. He apparently didn't even have any ID on him, so luckily I was there to go back-and-forth to our place and provide his info to the medics. His head was the size of a watermelon for a few days, but he turned out ok. I believe forces beyond nature presented that circumstance to me. Lots of people have personally spiritual experiences. I would dare add loving connection with a partner to that list. I envy whatever it is people feel that gets them into relationships. Anyways, I'd say it's up to each individual to decide what moments and big feelings they consider spiritual. 

So how is adding a holy tint to our emotions "dangerous"? I just admitted my belief in spirituality being real, yet personal. In correlation with that, I believe you're treading risky waters when you think of something as universally holy. This implies a belief in spiritual superiority. This leaves room for someone to demean the validity of other people's spiritual experiences and practices. Religion can add an unnecessary heaviness to emotions, tying everyday actions to eternal consequences. I'm pretty sure there's not a cut-and-dry list of "sins" out there. You're either doing stuff that's good for you or you're doing stuff that's bad for you. Is drinking alcohol a sin in the eyes of God?  I'll probably never drink alcohol because it's a depressant. And considering I take anti-depressants, I don't think I need depressants in my life. Notice how often I'm saying "I" here? Because I can only speak for myself. 2 years of telling people The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints was the one and only gospel of God made for a mess of regrettable memories I still try to erase. 

I say when you find the way of life that brings you happiness, then you have found the right God. Not the other way around. Even in a room of 100 Mormons, you could ask them all to share their testimonies, and you'd get 100 different responses. When people say the way they live is "between me and God," you should believe them. Individualism really does go that far. 

On that note...I actually have no hard feelings against the church. Or its members. Most people out there who claim the church is truly God's church really believe that. I always think about my dad and his family representing the mere handful of Mormons living in Yuba City CA back in the 70s. Now Yuba City is getting a temple. That's pretty cool. Heck, right now I live in Cache Valley UT. About 20% of the bodies buried beneath the Providence Cemetery are related to me. Because my European ancestors were introduced to the Mormon church in the mid-1800s, and decided to settle here; closer to the church's home-base. I can't imagine what big feelings influenced these folks to make such bold life changes. But I'm certain they were doing what was right for them.

As for disagreements with the church's beliefs, I think Dieter F. Uchtdorf gets a bad wrap for this quote: "There is nothing impressive about being cynical." Do you really think the LDS gospel is the only thing I've ever been cynical about? I question lots of stuff. The older I get, the more I roll my eyes at people who think they're reinventing the wheel with their acts of nonconformity. Mormons believe the Bible to be sacred. The Bible says homosexuality is an abomination. I disagree. Shocker. My oppositions are nothing beyond the imagination.

iii. The list goes on.

While feeling anxious and depressed is pretty much my normal state, some days are worse than others. I'm getting a better idea of what causes these internal struggles. Societal failures. Social defeat. Exposed weaknesses. Experiences that subconsciously trigger emotionally-helpless memories. The list goes on.

On the other hand, I'm also becoming more aware of what brings about good feelings, or a healthier mentality. I mentioned running earlier. Staying well-hydrated and well-fed. Expressing creativity. A proper sleeping schedule. Music. This list can go on forever as well. But then there's "big feelings." 

iv. In a way I'm still 19.

I wasn't diagnosed with clinical anxiety until I was in the middle of my LDS mission in Nov 2010. I wasn't diagnosed with clinical depression until the summer of 2018. It's been explained to me that I've probably had these mental illnesses since my childhood. It's true. Even my favorite memories come attached with a dissonant sense of internal melancholy I've never been able to express or define. 

While my mission exposed my psychological struggles from every angle, those 2 years do not stand alone as the worst days of my life. I recall mental illness hitting me like a brick 7 months before my mission. And the 7 months following my mission were horrendous. The back-half of 2014 was really dark for me. 2017 and 2020 were terrible years. In fact--tangent--I bet only a handful of the people reading this have heard my music. In late 2020, I wrote my song "19." I came up with some of the melodies and lyrics when I was 19, so I figured that would be an appropriate title. "I don't know what was happening, but it was happening to me." I wrote that on my mission, before my anxiety diagnosis. It was a reflection of the bizarre and devastating previous months of my life. "In a way I'm still 19." This was a new lyric. Finding myself 10 years later and still not feeling like myself. The more you know.

v. Fireworks.

Potentially having a memory-making experience tonight. Gonna get with some church buddies and watch fireworks in Hyrum. Bonus: There will be pulled-pork sandwiches. Food and friends on a warm summer night are good ingredients for bringing about big feelings. 

vi. This is not a faith crisis.

"Society" is a generic term people use to sound like the world is against them. The literal societies we live in are only built of the communities we're surrounded by. As a kid growing up Mormon in California, breaking away from the church would have been me siding with society. I live in Utah now. And the society I live in very much wants me to remain a member of the church. For anybody out there who thinks I'm feeling societal pressure to leave the Mormon church, oddly enough, my situation is quite the opposite. 

I recently had a conversation where I expressed my desire to leave the church. It turned into me claiming, "I need to find out what it is I truly believe." As romantic as that sounds, I've been telling myself that for years. I know what I do and don't believe. 

The biggest turmoil about my situation isn't deciding whether or not this church is true. It's knowing people will have a negative reaction to my leaving. Actually, that's not it either...It's the memories of having a deeply personal relationship with this gospel for much of my life. Some of the church's teachings have positively shaped my perspective on life. Some of the church's teachings I must abandon. I can't stick around only keeping the parts I like. I must dissociate. 

This is not a faith crisis. You could give me a checkbox survey of Mormon beliefs, and I'd quickly fill it out with my checkmarks and X's. If you truly believe in that gospel, there shouldn't be any X's. 

My leaving the church isn't a matter of "if," but "when." I'm not sure if I'll ask for an official record-removal, or if I'll just fade out into inactivity. But those are my only 2 options. Staying is not an option. 

While I wouldn't say my faith is in crisis, I must admit my big feelings are at odds with each other. I've had plenty of positive, enlightening, heartwarming experiences with the Mormon church. Is that enough to call it holy? 

vii. Acting.

When I think of things that changed my life, the first thing that comes to mind is acting. Music has always been a given when it comes to things I love. But acting was a game-changer. I'd also add Mr. Brown's AP English class to the list. Or when I was 23 and decided I could run half-marathons. But I discovered acting as a Sophomore in high school, within the first year of my family moving to Idaho. I was a quiet kid who lacked confidence and had tons of insecurities. But Mr. Brown saw potential in me in an artistic field I knew nothing about. He gave me opportunities beyond what I bargained for. Looking back, I still lacked confidence in many areas and was still an insecure teenage boy. But I loved acting. It introduced me to some big feelings I rarely feel these days. And I made a lot of friends there. Also, I was good at it. I only auditioned for 3 college acting programs, but they all offered me scholarships. I followed up my 2009 high school graduation with an adventurous summer working at Redfish Lake Lodge. It was when I started junior college where I felt like every day was an "off-day." I was an acting major, but I did not enjoy acting anymore. The consistent anhedonia should have been my sign to seek help. But I forged ahead. I even served a full-time mission for my church. 

I don't want to talk about theatre.

viii. Devoted.

I never considered leaving the church as a kid. And I never felt like I was brainwashed either. To me, it was part of my identity. I had to be Mormon. I had to serve a mission. It was just a natural fact tied to being Scott E Hall. I mean, for the record, I did get baptized when I was 8, so per the church's doctrine, Mormonism legitimately WAS tied to being Scott E Hall. But growing up, the church felt more like a shtick and a lifestyle; less like a religion. But I've had some assorted testimonial high's in my adulthood. Towards the end of my mission, I had an excellent companionship with Elder Reynolds where we zeroed-in on our missionary purpose. There was a year in college where I served in 3 different Elder's Quorum presidencies. I recall performing a few Christian musical numbers at church from 2013-2018. There was a semester in college where I attended the temple every week. Honestly, most of these experiences were pretty good. When you're devoted to something (or even someone) you love, it can come with a lot of internal rewards.

I think a lot of the depression I've experienced in my post-college years has come from not dedicating myself to anything. Or rather, not dedicating myself to anything I like. Even now, I really hate my job. To clear the air a bit, I spent much of 2020 as a producer for a small TV news station. That job required constant focus and maturity. And I kept up with it. My director always told me I was doing well, while also keeping me on my toes. My buddy Garrett told me on multiple occasions that I was the most "cool-headed" producer he's dealt with in hectic situations. As much as I appreciated the compliments, I felt like I was dying everyday. And it was like the world around me either didn't notice or didn't care. Every daily task felt heavy to me. Work is supposed to be somewhat draining, but I never felt relief. Took a few months for me to shake off the pain. At age 30, I'm still trying to discover what type of work fits me best. 

So I've developed a testimony in being true to yourself. A testimony in devoting your time and energy to the things you love. So why don't I just quit my job and follow wherever my heart takes me? I simply don't know where I'd want to work next. I have a weird variety of work experience in my portfolio, although I feel kinda jaded by all of it. Cutting out this currently mundane occupation from my life would be cool, but pretty much guarantees me a gap of unemployment. Is there anything else in my life I associate with that feels like an insincere act of devotion? 

You already know where I'm going with this.

Unlike a career, you can walk away from a religion and simply go nowhere. I intend to go that way. I think it's awkward when Mormons dis other religions, because we are no different. There is nothing more or less peculiar about Mormon doctrines than what you'll find anywhere else. We're a religion. We think we're right. We think we're righteous. If you dig deep enough, you find weird details and some sketchy history. Because it's a religion. If you like organized religions, I'd recommend The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. It might be the most organized religion of all time. 

My church attendance has felt like kicking a dead horse for about 3 years now. Sitting in the pews and knowing you're sitting among people who aren't thinking or feeling what you are. I've spent too much time stuck between habitual/robotic loyalty and actual pious sincerity. My disbelief in the church's gospel has felt like a personal elephant in the room for a long time.

ix. Dropping a bomb.

People will believe what they want to believe. You and I are not exceptions to that rule. And while some of what we believe is influenced by facts, some of what we believe is based on big feelings.

I've been hesitant to write this, for multiple reasons. It's like dropping a bomb. Sure, I'm gonna get plenty of backlash from my family and +1,000 facebook friends. I'm scared this might make some people feel heartbroken, or even furious. Also, I hope all these paragraphs don't influence people to leave the church. This isn't about ditching some manipulative religion or some radical angst like that. It's about me being true to myself. If you want to apply any theme here to your own life, this is about making choices that are right for you. And that I encourage. As the church itself preaches: If you believe in something, you should act on it. I know what I believe. 

As for "big feelings," I can't remember the last time I ever said "I know the church is true." I've always been cautious of what sentences should begin with "I know." There have been times in my life where I had a big feeling that the Mormon church was the church of Jesus Christ. Now I have a big feeling that it's not. Wish I could give you an "I know." But after 30 years (and counting) of depression and anxiety...Well, my beliefs have been conflicting and confusing to pin-down in the past. So it's good to at least know what I have "big feelings" about at this point in my life right now. 

While I find the idea of "big feelings" to be universal, I don't think there's any one thing that universally influences big feelings. This is my roundabout way of saying I don't believe in the Holy Ghost. I have the Gift of the Holy Ghost. I also have chemical imbalances in my brain. I'm convinced one of these is real and the other is not. While I think striving to be moral can cause good feelings, there are literal somatic explanations for how we feel.

I hope we embrace our big feelings and stay true to our beliefs. 

Yet even with this there's an asterisk. Strong personalities will never change, for better or for worse. Strong characters work to progress over time, and will continuously mold their very minds and souls to create someone more honorable than they were yesterday. So is my decision to part ways with the Mormon church an act of personality or a show of character? I'll leave that for you to decide. And please, don't tell me your answer.

I wonder if anybody gets big feelings while reading this.

x. Big feelings pt 2.

I get big feelings when I walk around Logan in April and May while all the trees are blossoming. I get big feelings on mountaintops. I get big feelings at campfires. I get big feelings at movie theatres. I get big feelings when some songs come to mind. I get big feelings when I have a crush on someone who probably doesn't like me back. I've had big feelings in the temple. My Patriarchal Blessing gives me big feelings. But you get the point. Strong emotions and spiritual breakthroughs kinda just happen. You can't force the feeling. You can't plan it. You can only live life the best you can, and they might come to you. 

xi. Fireworks pt 2.

So I went to the fireworks thing. Lots of people there. Pretty standard night for me. Had my usual assortment of brief conversations. It's really clear to me that nobody knows what I think about, ever. I had spent the entire day writing this piece about leaving the church. Then I go to this church event and everything's pretty normal. 

Kicked a soccer ball around with this dude from Oregon and we talked about Fleet Foxes. Jammed on guitar with a group of friends. Then came the fireworks. And I started feeling extremely sad. It was one of those moments where I realized that other people obviously feel things that I don't. 

I am sad more often than not. 

I guess my levels of anxiety and depression can be pretty bad. And it's crazy to think things were even worse a year ago. It's just that even at my best--my emotional highpoints--I still feel lower than the norm. I'm beginning to wonder if people even know what I'm talking about when I talk about "big feelings." That might just be something associated with mental illness. 

xii. Sometimes.

I was gonna kick this section off with "Welcome to my mind. Welcome to my spirit." But I think that sounds kinda stupid. Anyways...

I think too much about a predestined self-destructive future. I wish I wasn't boring or stupid. I wish I wasn't so lazy. I wish I was someone else. I'm desperate for connection. When I go too long without exercise, things start getting worse. Everything that makes me happy just makes me sad in the end. There are times I feel like a burden or a nuisance to those around me. I want people to treat me like an adult, yet there are times I just want them to pity me. It's all-too common for me to be around conversations and have no idea what the heck people are talking about. I know one of my specific mental illnesses is persistent depressive disorder. I wonder if I also have social anxiety. I go back-and-forth between being too sensitive and being too insensitive. Any time I've dedicated a significant amount of time to something, I end up feeling like it was all a waste of time. I've had nightmares every night for almost 3 straight years. 

Working normal hours makes me tired all the time. Jobs kill me. I think a lot about money. Or other people and money. I don't know how to make money. What's my worth? My human capital? Sometimes I feel like I'm allowed to act unprofessional at work because this is a crappy job for someone with a Bachelor's Degree. I can't be myself at the workplace. I don't feel like myself. I can't talk to people normally. I can't eat real food. 

There are too many attractive girls out there. It's honestly overwhelming. Competition in the dating world is real. So is competition in the career world. I can't really tell who's attracted to me. Semi-related note: I don't think I have a lot of friendships where we like each other the equal amount. Sometimes I look into other people's eyes and I can already tell what they do and don't know about me. I can often read and predict when a person has mental health struggles similar to mine. I'm pretty sure my "Mormon girls only" dating experience has proven unsuccessful. How do people with anxiety and depression get into relationships and marriages? I never actually believe I stand a chance with any girls I'm interested in.

You've gotta take advantage of those rare moments of clarity or energy whenever you can. I think I'm stable. I feel comfortable with myself sometimes. I feel so much better after I exercise.

xiii. Where is the line?

I'm aware I might be digging my own grave here. I realize my social life could plummet from here. The church has been good to me. It's given me lots of friends over the years, and even recently. 

Some people will be disappointed with my choice. Which is understandable. As for those of you shaking your head and saying, "He just doesn't get it," I would suggest a different reaction. That sounds like a sign of a spiritual superiority complex. As though staying true to Mormonism was some kind of code only a certain chosen few can crack. I really don't think I'm the wiser among us for leaving this church. I'm just doing what's right for me. And after 30 years of activity, I must reiterate that this choice is certainly not due to a lack of understanding the LDS gospel. It's a lack of actually liking it. 

Whenever I hear people testify of Christianity, I think to myself, "Oh, dang, other people really think like that." That being said, I choose to respect what others consider sacred. No reason to talk through a sacrament session. Being one of those people who yell "Oppose!" at the General Conference Center. There are people out there who actually believe this stuff. 

I don't think there's anything quaint about religion. There is nothing cute about Christianity. I remember the 2015 move President Monson instituted that changed the minimum baptism age to 18 for children of homosexual parents. I was personally hoping this would lead to the church changing the baptismal-qualification age to 18 for everyone. Much like leaving the church, joining the church should be a choice made at an adult level. 

Part of me is scared of losing the church's Priesthood. But women have never had it before and they've turned out fine. I don't think the world has a prophet. I'm indifferent as to whether or not Joseph Smith translated the Book of Mormon. I wouldn't consider myself Christian. I don't want to pretend like I really know what happens after we die. 

One might say I'm being ungrateful. That I'm walking away from something so amazing and I don't even realize it. That I've been taking the blessings that come with church membership for granted. Some might be concerned for my salvation. I know what I'm potentially leaving behind. And I am aware of what I'm potentially getting myself into. 

I think my doubts of there being a "holy spirit" have to do with my experience taking psychotropic medications. I don't think there's a correlation between mental health and testimony in the Mormon gospel. 

In both life and religion, I kinda just feel like an intrigued observer among actual believers and doers. I don't want to be that guy who doesn't have an opinion on anything. Yet I don't want to be that guy who sees others in a spiritually inferior light.

I see so many members spend so much time trying to defend parts of the church they don't like. I've eventually given into thinking: "Where is the line? At what point do you just give it up?"

I don't know a lot of members out there whose testimonies are rooted in Mormonism being the most intellectual/logical way of life and worship. But that's gotta be my least favorite missionary tactic. Even the church's doctrine makes it clear that a true testimony has to be both parts from the mind and the heart. As I've said before, I'm a fan of individualism. There are no required topics that one needs to master or believe in order to live worthy of God's apparent kingdom. We're all out here trying to do what's best for ourselves. If this church is what ultimately makes you a better version of yourself, roll with that. I for one don't think I can be myself and be a Mormon. Or a member of any religion, for that matter. 

Dang. Now I'm afraid I'll get responses swaying me in opposing directions after this.