To Know Your Mission

There's a Jens Lekman song where he talks about bumping into Mormon missionaries as a teenager in Sweden. As opposed to learning about the church, he insists on conversing about how it must feel to know your mission in life. Because surely these Mormon missionaries would know that feeling. 

I used to be one of those LDS missionaries. I was in the Canadian province of British Columbia from April 2010 - April 2012. The experience is all a blur to me now. I can hardly remember any of it. Those 2 years are like a roadblock in my memory. 

I've struggled to find purpose in life since I graduated college in December 2016. My college experience was ridiculously tied to the storyline of Kanye West's The College Dropout. I was just going there and I didn't have a plan for afterwards. Flash forward 4 years and I'm still in my college town, working a job I abhor. And relationship-wise, I am very single. Still no plan for the future.

I'd say the period of my life where I felt the most confidence and felt the most stress-free was the spring and summer of 2009. I was 18 years old. And still, after all these years, I pine to feel what I felt back then. I had some good semesters in college, but was always ignoring my high anxiety. In 2019, I was on pills that helped me breathe better, but still struggled with my post-college depression. 

I decided to write about this stuff tonight because I feel like my post-college depression is reaching a climax of sorts. I don't find purpose in my religion, my work, my relationships, or my education. So where do I go from here? 

I have a goal in 2021 to record an EP and an album, which would take a butt-load of money and time, so we'll see if any of that actually happens. Other than that? I've got nothing. I figure if I focus on working on something I actually love--like music--other things will fall into place.

I've got to be honest, I was anxious out of my mind on my mission. While a lot of people say Mormons are brainwashed from childhood, I was stumbling across a different issue. It seemed like all the members I met and missionaries I worked with had their own individual testimonies and opinions. And through it all, I had to have my own. I never really did. And I still don't. 

Being on a mission is probably really gratifying if you actually believe everything about the church. But I always felt like a 3rd person to the party. Going along with things from an observer's perspective. Outside of religious beliefs, I also live my life as a 3rd-person observer. Watching the world happen around me, without me.  

I'm open to the idea of leaving the church in 2021. I'm also open to the idea of some hot chick in the faith showing me the error of my ways and drawing me more into it. I feel like either one or the other will happen.

Honestly, living like a Mormon is engrained in my lifestyle and I don't really see myself changing that. But at some point I've got to know what I believe in. Both spiritually and in life in general. I feel so behind on everything. I've always struggled at the workplace with every job I've ever had. I'm 30 years old and I've actually never kissed anyone before. I barely make any money. My life's a fink.

Going full circle to my glory days of age 18, I felt like more of an adult then than I do now. Somewhere down the line I got up with the complexities of adulthood and lost faith in myself. The vast variety of other people's beliefs and lifestyles hits me like a ton of bricks on a daily basis. I can't breathe like I did when I was 18 and I can't enjoy things the way I used to. And like Jens Lekman, I wonder how it must feel to know your mission in life. Sounds convenient. Sounds pleasant. 

Now I struggle to find hope and purpose in life. I don't want anybody out there telling me Jesus is the way, or I should try working different jobs, or maybe I should date around more, or maybe I should go back to school. It's not like I haven't considered these things. Just know that I have problems, and I'm recognizing them, and trying to face them head-on. This is a moment of clarity for me amid the usual constant remorse. The flailing frustration I've felt for the last year or so is slowly turning into an earnest yearning. 

In the meanwhile, I'm not gonna pretend like I know what's true. I'm not gonna pretend like I know who I am. But I believe I can become something great and truly alive. I think I can be me.