The Workplace

You're going mad. 
Perhaps you always were, but when things were going good, you just didn't care.
-Michael Skinner

Confession time. I've been pretty open about this, but tonight I'm giving it the blog treatment. I've been going through a hard time. And most of it has to do with work.

Work is a touchy subject. In almost every job I've ever had, I've felt like crap at work. And considering I have both clinical anxiety and depression, when I say "felt like crap," that's an understatement. And my new job has me going crazy. I've recently seen a counselor, a psychiatrist, and have been tested for adjustment disorder and sensory processing disorder. I've even been put on new anti-psychotics. I want answers.
Before this job, I was working 30 hours a week. I felt pretty crappy at work at that job too, but the work wasn't nearly as demanding, and the hours were few. I was seeing a counselor consistently, but still no real answers as to what causes me extreme anxiety in a work environment. I thought I'd try something new and take this job as a TV news producer. Perhaps I jumped the gun before getting some real mental health questions answered. And this new job has me going crazy.

My time outside of work has been affected as well. My free time isn't nearly as enjoyable. I don't feel like making music anymore. I'm often just worried about the next day. 
Honestly, if I see myself leaving this job, it will be for legitimate mental health reasons. If I ever said "I hate my job," I'm sorry. That's a lie. I hate how I feel at work. That's the truth. It's been overwhelming for about 4 months now. And I often feel like people don't understand or don't give a crap. Considering all these mental health professionals I've been seeing lately, I almost feel like I'm trying too hard to fix a problem without adjusting my situation.
About the quote at the top of this post...Work anxiety has been a problem with me for a while, but in the past, I just didn't care. Now my work takes up a great deal of energy and focus in my life. And I feel like I have nowhere to turn.
I wouldn't mind spending a summer hiding from the world. Move to a small city in Utah or Idaho or Montana or some crap like that. Go back to working shorter hours. See a counselor and actually put effort and time to work out my issues at the workplace. Of course talk about other stuff too, like church, family, relationships, music, whatever. But in order to be a member of society, I need to work--not metaphorically, but like, with a real freaking occupation. And right now, it's become way too hard for me to pretend like I'm okay. Cuz I'm gonna break down or something.

Maybe it's the pressure of professionalism. Maybe it has to do with the social scenario. Or overthinking the weight of responsibility. But it's not like I'm complaining about having to work. My job performance is fine. It's about me. And sometimes I need to remember my problems are real. This is my biggest problem right now. Not that I spend too much time alone, or haven't been on a date in 10 months, or can't afford a private apartment in Portland. It's work.