"You don't know what you got 'till it's gone" is one of those idioms built to make you feel like garbage. You look back on your past situation realizing you never knew how good ya had it. Yet in a strange turn of events, I've seen the other side of this phrase: My life has been even crappier than I thought!
Story Time!
There were a couple weeks in March where I thought I was going crazy. But not in an emotionally intense or mentally stressful way. I mean, like, neurological stuff. I felt some weird neural symptoms every day, 24 hours/day. My scalp would get tingly. I felt pressure in different spots on top of my head. My face would go numb. I had trouble balancing when I walked. I had some nights where I felt euphoric sensory. And there were multiple times I recall thinking too slowly to finish a sentence, or stumbling over words. One day at work, the numbness on my face flowed all the way down through my whole arm. I was talking + thinking slowly; the numbness in my lips caused an obvious slur in my speech. I thought I was having a stroke.
After an expensive ambulance ride to an expensive ER visit where I got an expensive MRI on my brain, the doctors told me it was a "worsening migraine." I followed up with an expensive doctor's appointment where my doctor prescribed me some expensive drugs. At all this expense, it turns out they were all correct. I was experiencing some chronic/severe migraine symptoms I never even knew existed. And as it turns out, I've learned there are different symptoms I've experienced for years.
So there's THAT!
One of the pills I started taking is a nerve pain med called Effexor. I noticed some immediate positive effects in areas I never considered needed fixing. Like, certain parts of my head; apparent nerve locations. Upon some online research, I found out Effexor is often used as an antidepressant. Gotta admit, if you found out you've been getting headaches all the time and then they started going away, wouldn't you be happier too?
Migraines are real. They are pretty darn real. And there are lots of different possible causes behind them. The other pill I've started taking, Sumatriptan, is made for the worst of migraines. I have to take this stuff more often than I'd like to admit, but they work. For preventing migraines, I try to eat + exercise + sleep properly. Not like I wasn't trying before, but now there's a lot of pain on the line. This isn't a blanket statement, but in general, my migraines occur more frequently when I mistreat my body + mind. Additionally, my nerve-related headaches are largely due to my under-bite jaw (plot twist, I know, yet I'm not even going to mention this again for the rest of this blog). These pains can increase a lot of anxiety. And ironically, anxiety can increase the pain. Talk about your vicious cycles!
So yeah, thanks to modern medicine I technically cannot afford, I've been feeling less anxiety and getting less migraines. Righteous! Tying this in with the first paragraph... It's still mind-blowing to me. There are physical experiences I've always had that I just assumed were normal. I never knew how bad I had it; or for that matter, what was wrong in the first place. I mean, my crazed experiences from this March was a whole other animal, but I mean... dang.
I'd say I still go through anxiety, but it's been noticeably minimized. I actually have moments where I feel like myself, comfortably + confidently. Although, the moments where I lack anxiety may even cause deeper thought; an estranged view of my past + future. It's weird, but I like it.
I recall feeling on top of the world as an 18 year-old in Jerome, ID. My favorite album at the time was Pavement's Crooked Rain, Crooked Rain, which I listened to recently. And it all made sense. This position where you love what you do and you're continuously succeeding; meanwhile you have to balance this out with facing your deepest demons unrecognized before... You have this understanding that other people probably don't know how you feel, while in karmic contrast, you probably don't know how they feel. It's as beautiful as it is confusing. Perhaps that's where me + Pavement's songs met up when I was a high school senior: We were scrappy and invincible.
Now here I am once again, battling my existentialist stigma against my humanitarian soul. It's kinda cool. Oddly enough, it's had an effect on how I view things as a songwriter.
Unbeknownst to most of y'all, I recently performed with a rock band for a big church activity. We did a bunch of classic rock covers. I played bass guitar for every song and sang lead vocal for most of them. The band also consisted of my buddy Andy, my bishop, and Andy's bishop. The whole thing was a hoot. There are videos... just ask for 'em. And over the last 3 weeks, I've heard tons of positive feedback from friends and strangers alike. It was fun, challenging, and gratifying. Looks like we'll move forward and land more gigs. My bishop has named the band "Checkmate." That's a cool band name... But yeah, my music performance chops aren't too rusty these days. And yet, I personally wanna go the opposite direction as a musician.
Anyways, I've been coming up with songs lately where I just imagine them being performed by myself. Lyrically, they seem both more literal and worthwhile. Before, I've felt so anxious in the songwriting process that my slap-together lyrics were the equivalent of not making a final lyrical decision at all. Now, I believe I can just stick to my strengths and rely on that. Hopefully I get to share these songs soon. Until then, I'll release my older stuff.
I could go on about philosophical stuff + girls and stuff, but this is already an extremely long blog post as it is. I have a new life perspective by default. I think I'm learning more about myself, both my mind and my body. And that's a good place to be.
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