I've had a lot of revelatory positive thoughts these past couple of weeks. Which is kinda weird because I get paid to work on bikes, which I actually don't know how to do. I belong to a church that persuades members to help convert others, which I haven't done. I have always lacked the courage to ask out girls who actually know me. I have been playing guitar and writing music for years, but have lacked the chutzpah to take my music to a public level. Not a day goes by that I don't feel like an underachieving, wishy-washy piece of crap.
SO... I've recently been running and hiking habitually. I have more-than-fond memories of hiking in the Sawtooths as an 18 year-old. The hiking experiences from my 2nd experience at Redfish are overridden by the negative memories of that summer. I have since lived in Logan and have tried hiking in Logan canyon in the summers. It's just not the same. You reach a peak and you can see civilization only a few miles away. So have my hiking endeavors for the past 6 years been some attempt to re-live my past?
NO.
My last 2 runs have felt freaking great, My body hasn't felt so free in months! My body feels great and my mind feels confident both during and after the run. I want to hug the world! My last particular run started out incited by pure angst. I had been pissed all day because nothing was going my way. So I began daily run with multiple chips on my shoulder and a desire to punch things. I ran, and I ran fast for miles. I don't know how far I went. I eventually reached a trail with a set of hills. After every hill, I told myself: "After this hill, I'll stop at the top and I'll feel better about myself!" But I was always hungry for more.
I eventually stopped in the middle of nowhere and realized that I had forgotten what I was so angry about. My body was just riding for the feeling. I stopped and thought for about 20 minutes then ran back. It wasn't a dramatic experience at all. I thought about everything... reasonably.
I DON'T WANT THE PAST ANYMORE.
Look Scott: You're a self-conscious guy. That's OK. But perhaps you can do a better job at living in the moment and practicing anything you've preached. You never preach anything; hence you practice nothing. I know things were rough when you were 19, 20, 21, heck, Halloween last year was terrible. Right now, this summer, you could easily be building your stage management resume. But inside you're living by this beautiful freaking lake in the middle of these beautiful freaking mountains (pictured below). You're obviously here for a reason.
Are you trying to re-live your teenage glory days? Are you trying to redeem something from the past? Are you trying to start some new life adventure? Because you can't do all 3 at once. Which one are you trying to do?
This time, the answer was obvious.
I will probably continue to live a life of mistakes and regret. I'll probably never strike the courage to tell people to shut up so I can sleep at night. I'll probably still feel an inner-bitterness towards this one obnoxious guy I see everyday. I'll probably never be able to fix a bike's shock cable. I'll probably continue to suck at friendships and relationships. But for cryin' out loud, I'm tryin'!I've had this testimony of having fun with what I do, no matter what I do... Now it's time to actually do stuff.
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