It's hard to explain why I'm writing this. But this stuff changed my life.
Here's a table of contents. This is split into 6 chapters. All different lengths.
1 THE NOW
--4 topics. 2 subtopics.
2 THE SPIRITUAL
--4 topics.
3 THE HOBBIES
--3 topics. 1 subtopic.
4 THE PEOPLE
--3 topics.
5 THE QUESTIONABLE
--5 topics.
6 EVERY DREAM
--3 topics. 1 subtopic.
The chapters and topics are in no particular rank or order. Just made a list of stuff that changed my life. Then placed them into separate categories.
This will be very long.
1 THE NOW
Therapy
I started Cognitive Behavioral Therapy some time back in October. My therapist has since redirected our focus to Acceptance and Commitment Therapy. And I gotta admit. I've tried talk therapy multiple times before. But this is so much different. And it makes so much more sense to me.
I was directed here by a hunch from my primary doctor. Considering my relationship with him, he knew a lot about me, and I trusted him. And I think he hit it out of the park with this suggestion.
If anything, I've had a lot to unload to my therapist. When you've got 99 problems, it's hard to properly prioritize them by yourself. As far as I see it, if my therapist expresses noticeable concern about a certain topic, that's when I hit the brakes. Some recent things I've been trying to internally work with are accepting my life as it is, and teaching myself to get out of my engrained belief of self-loathing.
Fact is, as complaintive as it sounds, it turns out I just really do treat myself that poorly. And have done so for at least 12 years. The hard times have outweighed the good times in my adulthood. By a lot. Things have really just been that bad. I wish someone would have told me a long time ago I was drowning myself into a world of pain. Yet even if you told me that, I'd only believe you if you had the credentials anyways. Which is where I am today.
+ medication
Shout out to psychotropic drugs. They haven't all been winners. But for the most part, yeah. They've been good to me. These days I take an SSRI, an anti-depressant, and an anti-anxiety med. I was taking this trio of meds before going into therapy. A noticeable improvement from my previous set of prescriptions, my experiences with these pills are what lead me to asking myself new, deeper questions. I talked with my doctor. Now I talk with my therapist. A pretty good gateway, if you ask me.
Love
Love is one of my least favorite words in the human language. But I remember I used to actually feel it. A long time ago. There was an era of my life where I found love. No, I've never been in love with anybody before. But I felt love. I tried to live by its definition. Love will change your life. But when things start spiraling down, you lose the feeling. Your literal neurotransmitters stop functioning correctly. And I broke my own heart a long time ago.
I've just been thinking about love lately, because self-love naturally comes up as the protagonist against self-hate. Apparently one of many causes for self-loathing is an experience of losing your soul and identity. That is definitely how I would define my 2009 fall semester at CSI.
As for how I would define love now, it's tough to wrap my head around. It is much more difficult to show compassion to others when you don't treat yourself with compassion. Which I think has been sometimes explained to me all-too vaguely. Like, the idea of putting others before yourself is very selfless and Christlike, and makes a lot of moral sense. Yet in a world where you think yourself to be stupid and doomed, you not only give less attention to others. You just don't do anything at all.
Love, in either its use as a feeling/noun or action/verb, will change your life. And on the sour end of things, the loss of it can change your life as well.
+ learning
I'll get into this later, but I think love and learning are 2 very similar enlightening, emotive experiences. When trying to list what values I've learned over the years, it hit me... The value of learning. I feel like I haven't truly "learned" anything in a long time. Ever wonder why I don't go into the major field I studied in college? Because I don't remember a single thing. Learning is hard to do when you are constantly in a state of anxiety and depression. But I feel like I'm learning things these days. Pieces I'd like to keep with me.
Communication
I just wrote a bit about this on Facebook. I figured I should just reiterate that communicating our desires and struggles with each other is a progressive way to learn from each other.
These days, I pretty much don't talk to anybody. But there were some eras of my life where I was very social. But how much "communicating" was I getting done? Not a lot. I wish I knew how other people thought and felt. And I wish that I could express that better with them, on my end.
Real communication can save people. Individuals, relationships, families, etc.
Reality
I mentioned "accepting my life as it is" earlier. My therapist once told me I don't do that. And I was like... "Wait. What? I'm the most realistic realist I know." This is not true. I am probably the most pessimistic pessimist I know. Sure I've always had a good grasp on my reality. But do I ever "accept" it? Do I like it? Do I have a grasp on my future? No.
My past has been full of acts of self-sabotage. Giving half-hearted efforts so I won't be heartbroken when I eventually meet my self-predicted failure. Choosing careers. College majors. Dating. Always shots in the dark. No direction or vision or visible desires. Fear of bold failures due to bold actions, with all incentives and motivations shot down by hopelessness. That's how my life got to where it is today.
There is power in reality. If you can ever get a moment where you get a sense of your real self, and the real world around you, you have an advantage of your situation. Embracing reality will help you go forward. Knowing what changes you'd like to make, as well as recognizing what you've currently got going for you. These 2 worlds can coexist.
2 THE SPIRITUAL
AP English Senior Year
Brown was already one of my life's biggest influences as my drama coach and theatre director. I figured I should take his English class for my final months as a senior in high school. And I learned stuff. I still feel like I learned more in that class than any college course ever since. Sidenote: I was usually extremely anxious throughout college. But Brown's approach to teaching and his theories on English were new territory my mind had never considered before. It's how I was introduced to Dead Poet's Society and Leonard Cohen. But also William Blake and "Heart of Darkness." He forced you to give a crap about what you were writing.
I glamorize those final months of my senior year quite often. I won a state championship award for radio speaking, and was even a finalist in the dramatic/serious category. I was awarded Speaker of the Year for that team. I was awarded a local theatre award for my supporting role in a play I did 1 year prior. I co-hosted Jerome High School's biggest assembly. Yet in the midst of all the small town fame, I was actually learning important things. And I attribute a bunch of that to Brown's English class.
Acting
I never grew up with acting. I watched my older brother Todd in the cast of Grease his senior year at Linden High School. I spent much of my youth trying to be like my older brothers. When my family moved to Idaho, I was suddenly the oldest sibling in the house. I felt like I had nothing to do and wasn't sure who to follow. So I tried out for a play. Then I tried out for more. And I liked it. And I started getting roles.
I recently realized how much I came into my own without my older brothers in the house. I attribute a bunch of that to my decision to pursue acting. I felt things I had never felt before. Took a chance on something I didn't know much about, and was fortunate to work with a director who gave me some bigger opportunities from the get-go.
I don't remember much about my sophomore year of high school. My junior year, I turned into this kinda popular kid with a strangely angsty attitude. Some of that carried into my senior year, but there were changes along the way. I had a few lead roles (ok, 2 or 3) in high school. But probably my favorite show I ever acted in was a play where I had relatively small roles. The Laramie Project.
I did 2 runs of Laramie as part of an underground project under the direction of Brown and Tony. The summer after my junior year. And in January 2009. The cast had actors from all ages working together. And the atmosphere was just so different. I still remember getting more acting parts for our January production. I was told I did well. But still to this day, I feel like I could have done so much better. I had so much potential as an actor. And I still feel like I never let myself mature into my fullest potential.
I'll never forget taking a bunch of acting seminars with some friends at Boise State during my senior year. My buddy Vinny and I performed our audition pieces (Vinny, by the way, won state in this category). His performance featured some melodramatic tension, while mine tried to show off different voices and accents. We were told to perform our pieces without the drama, and just act like our real selves. It was an out-of-body experience. And the judges approved. Which is always a cherry on top.
Anyways. I never really knew how college worked. So I applied for 3 colleges and auditioned for their theatre programs. I was offered acting scholarships at all 3 (mind you, the biggest school in this bunch was Boise State). I stuck with the most financially obvious choice, which was the local junior college. Lived with my parents and didn't even pay tuition. What could go wrong?
I won't go into what went wrong. But I will say this. Acting was a major part of my identity. It was a hobby, a passion, and a skill. And as my identity dissipated, so did my acting life. Can't thank Brown enough for getting me into the world of acting though. Made a ton of friends in the process too. Maybe I'll audition for local theatre again some time. If I ever get the gumption.
Music
One of my oldest memories of music is coming up with a song while I was playing with Legos when I was 4 years old. I've been coming up with songs in my head ever since. It's difficult to talk about. Because I don't ever really hear other people talk about that stuff. I've tried sharing my songs online and stuff, but it never feels right. It always feels weird. And often half-baked.
But I could write a freaking book about how I got into music. Like a lot of things in my youth, I wanted to be like my older brothers. And they had CDs. So I wanted to get more CDs. Some of my favorite bands early on included Barenaked Ladies and Matchbox 20. I listened to B93.1 everyday, and religiously listened to their weekly Saturday night countdown. Digging into my parents' stuff, I got into The Beatles, The Beach Boys, Styx, and Earth, Wind & Fire. I went 2 years of middle school where I strictly listened to classic rock. I collected every album in Led Zeppelin's discography. I wanted to rock too. So my grandparents gave me an acoustic guitar they've had collecting dust in their closet since the 70s. Guitar immediately became one of my favorite hobbies.
I eventually got back into newer music, and called to request songs on local radio stations on a regular basis. B93.1 DJ Jack Paper once called me "The King of Linden" on air. But I was trying out lots of other new stations. I fumbled upon indie and alternative artists like Death Cab For Cutie and Beck. And when our family moved to Idaho in 2006, my parents could suddenly afford non-dial-up internet. And I exploded from there.
I got really into Rolling Stone reviews. Then Pitchfork reviews. Honestly found myself interested with any acclaimed music I could find on the internet. Even--[gasp!]--rap. And there has been no turning back ever since. I myself have become quite the critic and connoisseur. It's honestly what I do in my spare time. Since I got my own Spotify account in 2013, I've been a machine.
I refuse to believe any music changed my life. But there are definitely times in my life where I was changing. And I can't forget the music I was listening to during those times. 18 years old? LCD Soundsystem, Pavement, Sufjan Stevens, Wilco, Animal Collective, Fleet Foxes, just to name a few. And my good moments in life have continued to have good soundtracks.
I've kinda reached the point where I'm more of a critic than a songwriter. I own 4 guitars, including a couple electrics that just collect dust (and refuse to stay in tune). But as a whole, there is music wherever I am.
Self
I've been saying for years that I usually don't feel like myself. This is not good. Losing a sense of self is losing your very soul. There is no love. But I can't forget the times in my life when I've felt the most like myself. Over the years, I've had my moments and a couple good college semesters. But dang. Spring and summer of 2009 was probably the most consistently I felt like my own character. Acting. Friends. The mountains. Can't say I was more "mature" then than I am now, but I was happier. My goal is to somehow become more mature and become happier. I think I can regain a new sense of self.
Feeling like you're discovering who you really are is a life-changing experience. And it's definitely not just a romantic walk in the flowers. I mean, there's time for that. But you make changes, inside. You learn things. You act and you work. Writing, acting, running, hiking, music, friendships. These are all part of who I am. And yet, sometimes being yourself requires making changes. That's character.
3 THE HOBBIES
Hiking
Hiking just kinda covers all the bases for me. You take some pretty pictures. You get fresh air. You get tons of exercise. Possibly see some cool animals. You find yourself in unusual, dangerous scenarios. And I get to spend some time alone. That last one is a bad habit. Not sure why I always hike alone.
I really got into hiking from my summers at Redfish Lake. Trying to keep up with hiking in the Logan area is still fun, but of course underwhelming in contrast to the Sawtooth mountains. I'll always enjoy it though. Love exploring new places in the mountains.
Running
My early days of running were comically bad. It's kinda random how this became a hobby. At one point during my time with the Jerome High School cross country team, I wanted to improve. So I quit soda. I started wearing different shoes. By the end of my senior year, I had the team's 4th best PR, and competed aside teammates at the Idaho state meet. I spent the following summer hiking my brains out, and got faster, winning the Perrine Bridge 10K in September 2009.
My running took a big nosedive over the following 3 years. But I suddenly became ambitious about it. I ran my first half marathon in April 2014. I ran it in 81 minutes. Finished 17th place out of 575 runners. This was definitely my peak as a runner. Did a tougher race in the mountains in 2015. While I think my 105 minutes was pretty fast, I actually walked some of it. Wish I ran it 3 months later. I got into trail running that summer at Redfish, including my magnum opus of running up to 2nd Bench Lake and back.
For a while after this, I was either busy with school or injured. Gained plenty of weight. But I got some fire back one winter after college. Ran a half marathon in February 2018. 100 minutes. I was pretty darn proud of that. Still am. I've gained some more weight since then. But for this past year, I've consistently ran about 10 miles a week (more or less).
I love the feeling of a good run. And even more so love the feeling after a run. Always calms my nerves. I think I got obsessed with it in my 20's because I was anxious all the time. But I still do it now, and it never feels awkward or uncomfortable. Particularly when it comes to running in Logan.
+ biking
Some people reading this are like, "Scott, you don't even own a bike." This is true. I just remember biking around my neighborhood as a teenager. And I always felt cool. Whether I was doing long rides out in the countryside or just rolling by parks a mile from my house. A hobby that comes accompanied with good memories.
Writing
I write more and more every year of my life. It's insane how much I write now. Mostly journaling. But also blogs and music reviews. I always have ideas for stuff to write about.
I do not know how good I am at writing. I've had tons of people tell me I should further pursue it, try improving my skills, and do it on a professional level. Why don't I believe them? Well... I don't know what to compare my work to. Because I barely ever read anything. I have no influences. I just like writing. Obsessed with it these days, honestly.
There was a point in college where I was journalism major. I wrote news articles for Utah State's newspaper, but mostly stuck with music reviews. This is how a lot of folks were introduced to my writing. I prefer blogging over journalism because I can write about whatever the heck I want. Hard to get people to read sometimes, but the process is always therapeutic.
If I were to go deeper into writing, I'd like to find a way where I can show off my love for self-expression and doses of creativity, held together in a cohesive, presentable manner. Not sure if there's a job market for that.
4 THE PEOPLE
Girls
I didn't think it felt right to list specific, individual people who changed my life. On that note, to ease some tension of what the title of this topic may suggest, I'm not gonna talk about any specific girls. But this is some complex territory. And I'm gonna go there.
It wasn't until I was 17 when I started thinking I could actually stand a chance of dating someone cute. Uncoincidentally paralleled with my rise in high school popularity. Yet even then, I never really tried that hard in the dating world. Like, at all. Because I never really believed it could happen. If I ever I showed any interest at all, I would always be really weird about it. Even at age 18, I couldn't fully get rid of that awkward, insecure piece of me. My phrase back then was: "I'm a people-person. Not a person-person."
I was in a very confused state when it came to girls, for about 3 years. I mean, I was on my mission for 2 of those years, and I did a good job of not getting caught up in that stuff during that time. But the months beforehand and the months afterwards? I was a mess. I'll get into more detail of this later, but that era right before my mission is when mental illness hit me like a brick. My on-and-off crushes didn't make any sense. Post-mission Scott was a whole new train wreck. I mean, my actual mission was bad too. But we're here to talk about girls.
It wasn't until my mission, when I was surrounded by fellow 19 year-old guys and active Mormons, that it became really freaking obvious to me that everybody else here thought about marriage A LOT more than I ever did. So I tried to be like them. I came back from my mission and put myself in the ring as a guy who wanted to get married. Have you read the previous couple paragraphs? Including the fact that my anxiety levels were 10 times higher than ever before my mission, my inane dating attempts did not go well at all. I don't remember much about 2012. But I noticeably stabilized in 2013, including my relations with girls.
I dated a good amount in my college years. Still to this day, I've only been in 1 relationship. I was 25. It lasted 1 month. We never kissed. Throughout college, I was at always at odds with a couple internal struggles I couldn't pinpoint. I still had that teenage feeling about girls where I merely imagined myself standing a chance with a crush, but never believed it happening. But I also still dealt with anxiety and depression. It never went away. Self-loathing. Self-sabotage. All this accumulating to my always being single.
My post-college years have kinda switched to less anxiety, but more depression. I rarely ever go on dates. Hate to admit it, but all for the same reasons I just mentioned above. Internally, I'm actually working harder on this stuff now. So maybe my self-confidence in the dating world will come along with my mental health progress. Yet I have a hard time imagining it. A successful relationship or marriage is very much a helpless achievement, according to my logic. I just don't see a good fit within my reach. And as I've expressed to my therapist, I don't see anything about myself worth liking.
So how did girls change my life? I mean, I've known girls my whole life. But the steps I've taken into that world have been a beautifully melancholia experience. Thinking about girls and thinking about heartbreak go hand-in-hand. It's enough to make me smirk as I take a swig from a martini glass, sitting alone in the dark corner of a bar, as Roberta Flack plays in the background.
Friends
This section is actually harder for me to write. While the world of girls has been a bleak experience, I at least know how to define what that's been like. But friends? I've had a lot of friends over the years. And they're all super different from each other. Heck, they're all super different from me.
I will say, good friends come with good memories. Even during some of the more anxious or depressed eras of my life, having good friends in my life always made things better. I must admit, I've spent the last 2 or 3 years of my life self-isolating. But I wasn't always this way. Sure, I've always been a loner. But I used to be much more outgoing. Attempted to be social. Went to everything I got invited to. Yet I've always been bad at being one who invites. Just an interesting factor of all my social scenarios.
Not sure how to go about this topic without talking about specific people... I think most of my friends have come from school, theatre, and church. I don't want to rank these people. I'm just glad they've all been willing to listen to me and be nice to me and invite me to stuff and heck, are even pretty funny people.
It's weird, but I've also felt a sense of helplessness about friendships recently. Like, with girls, I've kinda always felt that way. But I recently realized that if I don't try to improve my mental health, I could lose the ability to make new friendships. It's a real thing. You really do need to feel love for yourself, and show love for others. When the neurotransmitters aren't clicking, making connections is quite difficult.
Good friends will change your life. I know they've changed mine.
And the lack thereof
This last topic is regarding both girls in my life and my friendships. I was gonna write a whole big thing about this, but I think I've already hit on this.
I am insecure about every social scenario. And when I say "insecure," I mean I question the validity of all my thoughts. My mind works like this in my spare time as well. But whether that means being on Facebook, going to parties, or flirting, or whatever, I am more likely in my head than in the moment.
Being single is the only life I know. And making new friendships after college is universally a tough task.
I was gonna write a section about my family. But I've known them since I was born. So like, the whole "change my life" aspect of it doesn't really apply. That relationship has never changed. If I ever start my own little family, that will be a big fat change.
5 THE QUESTIONABLE
Sports
After looking at these 5 topics, I realized these are all types of million-dollar media programs trying to teach me important things. So wait. The world of sports tries to teach me important things? Yeah. Sometimes it does, sometimes it doesn't.
I wanted to be like my older brothers growing up. And they were obsessed with sports. They were also really good at them. While I cared less about sports as a teenager, oddly enough, that's when I found my athletic niche in the running world. But growing up, I wanted to be as good at sports as my brothers. I was not. Baseball. Basketball. Soccer (almost). But the inspiration from the sports I constantly watched on TV always fueled me. But I focused less on the actual art of the sport, and focused more on... well, art.
I would play sports by myself all the time. Shooting hoops like a pretend game. Throwing footballs to myself across the lawn in an imaginary game. And of course, playing whiffle ball with myself, tossing the ball up and swinging. I would have my own imaginary leagues and imaginary superstars, including team names with intricate logos I'd draw with markers. Of course I also played games with my brothers. But my own little imaginary sports world just came naturally. Like coming up with songs in my head, that would come from different imaginary bands. But I digress.
We were not allowed to watch football on Sundays. Which stunk, because every football game is on Sunday. But Monday night, I watched football like clockwork. For a while my favorite team was the Cowboys, like my brother Todd. I claim the 49ers now, trying to rep the Bay Area. I remember being amazed by Barry Sanders highlights. For basketball, it was Michael Jordan. So the Bulls were my favorite team by default. I was a Kings fan for a bit, but just a bandwagon kid noticing their local team was suddenly great. Soon switched to a Warriors fan, and the rest of that is history.
I was obsessed with March Madness. There were multiple years in elementary school where I convinced my mom and teacher I was sick, just so I could stay home from school and watch all the March Madness games. My craftiness knew no limits.
Baseball used to be my favorite sport. Now I hardly follow it. But I would watch all the Giants and A's games on TV. Especially the Giants, because they had my childhood hero Barry Bonds. And when away from TV, I'd listen to them on the radio. It's 2022, and neither me or Barry Bonds are in the Hall of Fame. I just thought that was a funny joke, because I'm home sick from work today, and I'm currently taking prescription steroids.
So yeah, sports changed my life. But not always in a good way. What I mean is that these days, I think it's become a distraction from me being productive. But it sure is fun.
Mormonism
I mentioned earlier that my family couldn't technically "change my life" because they were always part of me. Mormonism is very much the same. I was born into it. But while I've never felt detached from my family, living the doctrines of Mormonism has been a mix-bag of internal experiences, ultimately leading to my dissociation.
In the months preceding my mission, I did not know what I was supposed to do. This is the case with lots of Mormon kids. But my life situation suddenly made no sense to me. My parents never shoved missionary service down my throat. It was always just an assumed future event. And somehow, even on my 19th birthday, I didn't really know what the point of missionary work was, or what it implied. Which is kinda my own fault. Because I sung "To Bring the World His Truth" 100 times as a kid. Yet I still never knew what it was about. I always believed the values of the church as a kid. I even took some pride in moments where I appeared morally superior. But I kinda shrugged that off sometime during my senior year. By the time junior college rolled around, I felt so lost and stressed and confused. The ultimate thing lingering over the heads of everybody around me, but I was oblivious to, was this: The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints is the world's one and only true religion, and consists of the sanctified Kingdom of God. Therefor, everything else is morally and spiritually incorrect.
Holy crap.
I was diagnosed with generalized anxiety disorder about 7 months into my mission. This was about 14 months after I started experiencing anxiety, but it had reached an obvious climax. A lot of it had to do with constantly being around somebody 24/7. But to top it off, we forced ourselves into social situations. And all of them were awkward, by default. And I had no idea what my testimony was supposed to be. I kinda just took pieces from people around me. Which really isn't a bad concept. It just burns out after 10 years or so.
By all means, I had some good times on my mission. All of which, non-coincidentally, had to do with strong friendships. And I even learned how to work efficiently in one of my areas. But the intense anxiety continued after my mission, as I entered old familiar environments with a whole new religious and clinically manic mindset.
Mormonism has mostly been good to me throughout my adulthood. I was 100% active until last year. There are times when my belief and relationship with god inspired, motivated me through hard times. And while my life got better than it was in 2012, I still, this whole time, have missed feeling the sense of self I had when I was 18. This caught up with me over the years, eventually being diagnosed with depression in 2018, and later being told I've had persistent depressive disorder since I was a kid.
So if I still live a very Mormon-esque life, and even just said Mormonism has "mostly been good to me," why did I leave it? I really don't think it's true. I mean, everybody loves the story of Joseph Smith seeing a vision of god and Jesus telling him none of the churches on the earth are true. Flash forward a few years later, then suddenly there IS a true church in the world, and Joseph Smith himself is its prophet. I don't even know why people bother digging into sketchy stories they find online. That's the only trick play you need to know.
So yeah, I grew up with Mormonism. But living it and being part of its missionary program and taking leadership roles as an adult changed my life. I made a ton of friends. I've always struggled with the concept of moral, spiritual superiority. I did not leave the church for mental health reasons. But I've never had a therapist ask me if I've been praying. I left it because I don't believe in it. I think abandoning a self-proclaimed Kingdom of God was a good move for me.
Facebook
I remember getting a Facebook account when I was 16 years old. It was new. It was like a whole new world of communication and self-expression opened up to me. But also, at some points in my life, a whole new world of mental illness.
Facebook is weird. Some people say it's bad for you. Some people try to use it for good. I think it can be bad for you, but even that's giving it too much credit. It's just a website. A social media platform. If you go into it with certain mindsets, you can turn it into a bad hobby.
I never got into arguing in the comment boxes. Never been a troll. I've always been well aware of the concept of people only posting their highlights. Never really fell for the happiness trap. But for me, it's something related to that. It's the stimulation of seeing all these faces. Some you've known for years, some you met last week. You see these people and the content they place next to their names. And it's just a lot to take in.
Also, when it comes to me and how I think about addressing my thoughts, I often do so by way of Facebook post. Heck, if you're reading this, it's probably because you're my Facebook friend, and you clicked on the link I shared to this blog post.
Between all this, there have been times where I've simply spent too much time on that website. You want the world of information and entertainment and self-expression and even familiar friends shoved into your face. Facebook is a good way to get all those things. But it's no more or less mind-numbing than the video games and TV your conservative parents warned you about. I find living life on a screen ultimately unrewarding. Still spend too much time on that website though.
School
I got some really good grades growing up. Middle school Salutatorian. Some 3.8-ish GPA out of high school. I've only ever applied to 6 colleges, but hey, they all accepted me. I mentioned earlier I learned more from Brown's English class at age 18 than any other educational class I've ever taken. This is mostly due to my more anxious mindset as a college kid. But also kinda concerning, regarding the college experience...
Much like serving a mission, or getting married, or finding a career, attending college was always a presumed future event in my life. The mission happened, and I try to forget the details. Getting married never happened. Still haven't stuck with a career. But I went to college, and mostly embraced it.
I attended for 10 semesters. 9 at Utah State University and 1 at the College of Southern Idaho. Started as an acting major. Briefly had no major. Briefly studied journalism. Eventually settled down with stage management. I rather enjoyed the college atmosphere. There are a few semesters I look back on quite fondly. And even though I had a few bad semesters, those were usually for mental health reasons not associated with schoolwork. While I usually had like $50 in my bank account, I got by just fine. And even while living a much more anxious life than my teen years, I kept chugging along. But the little grey areas between all this sometimes makes me question how much of it was worth it.
My final semester of college (fall 2016) was super busy, like it is for most folks. I had no time to worry about my future. I just worked as hard as I could on the work in front of me. I also never planned my future. I had no idea what I was going to do when I stepped off that campus for my last time. I spent much of 2017 unemployed. And I felt too stressed and frozen to do anything. It was crazy. How did I get there?
I'll say this much. I wish the professors who were teaching me the classes related to my major were harder on me. That's what drove me out of journalism. Took newswriting with LaPlante and I was convinced I didn't want to commit. Hard class, but I performed well. But I also performed well in my relatively easier theatre classes (everything is easier than LaPlante, for the record). And I never even though about commitment. I just wanted to pass my classes. And do a good job at stage managing a couple shows. Being a Props Master was not my forte; I'll never forget that failure. But no leadership ever criticized me or complimented me, as a stage manager. Which was weird. I just wish Bruce cracked the whip on me a little more. I would have left the major early. I would have realized my issues with fear of commitment. Now here I am in 2022, taking Acceptance and Commitment Therapy.
On the other end of the spectrum, it's totally bogus when a professor assumes their class is the most important class in the universe to all their students. I remember taking 18 credits in spring 2015. I worked my butt off to get a C- in a class related to my business minor. And in the process, I missed out on an assistant stage manager opportunity, because I was flunking 2 irrelevant classes at the time. The priorities were lopsided.
So school has changed my life. I don't regret going to college. But I don't think I'll go back. I'm currently debt-free, and going back to college won't help me with that. I say I don't regret going to college because I made a lot of friends, and I really liked the campus environment. But my issues with making choices regarding my life's career/study direction have come back to bite me in the butt, years later.
Work
I'll never understand work. Everybody says it's supposed to be hard. I get that. I've always been told that, and have always thought that myself. Although I've been learning that difficulty means something different to everybody. And I feel pretty gypped by that.
Let me explain. Let's go back to my section on therapy earlier, where I talk about how the depths of my mental illness has been revealed, confirmed and validated lately. Living with self-loathing, there is 0% job satisfaction. And most of the job advice I come across online has to do with generic messages pointing out generational issues. I'm a Millennial. I've been told we were a self-centered generation since I was a teenager. And I kinda give into it. But reading stuff about Millennials in the workplace, I can only partially associate with it. I don't want to feel happy at work. I want to feel ok. Like, not feeling a constant state of self-dread or worry, and not contemplating suicide on the clock. This whole time, I've just been mentally unstable. Nothing to do with laziness or feeling unrewarded. All my jobs have been unfulfilling because the rest of my life is usually unfulfilling too. I always feel like I'm stupid at the workplace. But then again, that's how I feel in most social situations.
As for the concept of working on yourself in order to get back to work, I used to think I believed in that. Now, it's like I'm actually taking proactive steps in both directions. I've been meeting with a therapist. I've also started seeing a career counselor. Much like dating, it's hard to convince me there's any hope for me in the career world. But honestly, that comes with mental illness and the distorted self-doubt that I've engrained into myself.
Whatever my next job is, I want to be well-versed in it. This was not the case with stage management or news producing. I'm trying to figure out what kind of worker I am. What type of work fits best with my skills and my character. And for that matter, wouldn't mind a job that would lift me above the US poverty threshold; god forbid.
6 EVERY DREAM
Happiness
"Every Dream" is a concept I recently cooked up. When it comes to all my dreams, big and small, what do they all have in common? One of those things is a sense of happiness.
The other night, I went to bed and felt fine. I didn't feel anxious or depressed out of my mind. I just felt content with myself. And I realized... "Scott! This is it! Isn't this the type of moment you've been dreaming about for years?" Actually, yeah. I've had a hard time believing my dreams could ever happen. Because I've been mentally and emotionally putting myself through a barbed-wire blender. But I feel like my dreams are within reach now. Because I have the keys to an important ingredient.
Happiness was never my ultimate goal. That's not reasonable, and I've always known that. I just wanted to feel ok. Mental stability was always the goal. And it is much easier to be happy when you're mentally healthy. To be in there moment. In every dream I've had, I at least envision myself feeling moments of joy. And I think I'm on my way to making those moments come true.
Life
In every dream I've had, there's a quality of true life behind it. I guess I've done some "life" things in my time. Served a mission. Went to college. I go on spontaneous hikes. But man, I'm talking about real life. With good people. Feeling in the moment. Doing things, learning things, going through new experiences.
Sure I hope for some sunshine, but I mean like, taking risks and dedicating hard work and effort towards things. Accepting and committing to challenges. For yourself, for other people. Breathing.
Most of my accomplishments in adulthood have amounted to nothing, to me. Because all I've been wanting is to feel more alive again. I want to experience life. And where I am now, this is the closest I've been to going through a "change of heart" in a long time.
+ death
I used to think about death a lot as a teenager. I never wished it upon myself until I got older. Let me tell you, thinking about death and thinking about suicide are 2 very different things. I only thought so much about death back then because it kinda reinforced my purpose in life. Gave me a drive to live. I hope I think more about death in the context of recognizing the value of life.
Love
Happiness, life, love. All practically the same word.
In every dream I've had, there is love in me. I have not felt love in a long time. But lately I've been trying to define it. And the feeling comes back to me just thinking about it. Thinking about the times in my life where I felt and showed the most love. Real love. With people. Friends and family. Compassion. Even remembering I had a life before I learned to hate myself.
It's hard for me to think about love without thinking about music. Namely Stevie Wonder and Lauryn Hill. But also music I was into when I was 18, like Wilco and Pavement. But maybe I'm getting off topic.
Sometimes I forget, love is more than just a concept. It's a reality. If I ever could muster up the strength to be a loving person, I think I can find all the success I need. I am freaking crying right now.
Anyways. Love will change your life. Death will change your life. Learning will change your life. Feeling happiness, making friends, and experiencing the absence thereof can change your life. I hope I take as much love as I can with me as I go through this belated phase of self-discovery.
I want to make more mistakes. I want to stop questioning everything I think. I want to progress. I want to communicate. I want to learn and live. I want to work. And I want to love.
