I'm gonna try not to make this sound ultimately depressing...
Doing things is difficult for me.
Now, you read the sentence above, and may react a few ways.
- Scott is lying.
- Scott is lazy.
- Scott is depressed.
Surely I have nothing to gain by lying to you. And I don't think people are inherently lazy. I am however clinically depressed and anxious. And I think that says a lot about my past, present and lack of future.
I'm intimidated by people who do things. This is most people. For me, every action is like a big event. I haven't felt necessarily "fulfilled" about anything in years, but I feel pretty darn proud of myself for accomplishing simple tasks. Making a stovetop dinner. Going for a walk. Buying groceries. Clocking into work. Even my favorite hobbies take a lot of convincing to get me going. These include writing, running, and playing guitar.
Since I graduated college 4 years ago, I have not done a lot of things. Every day, I don't know what to do. Not only do I not know what to do, I don't know how to do most things. I feel like there's a literal block in the way between me and successfully accomplishing things.
For example, I've had multiple friends visit Disneyworld recently. How do you plan a trip to Florida? How do you buy tickets to Disneyworld? How do you afford a trip to Disneyworld? How do you get a job that can help you pay for a trip to Disneyworld? How do you enjoy yourself at a theme park?
A lot of my friends have recently bought houses. How do you pay for a house? What do you do in a house? Buying houses and going to Disneyworld sounds like a lot of things.
Which brings me to my next gripe. Knowing things. I often feel overwhelmed at how much other people know. And I'm irritated by how much people think they know. When I get into conversations with people lately, most of it just goes over my head. Either that, or I roll my eyes at their self-confidence. It's the same with other people doing things. I see people do things and I don't know how to react. People are usually doing things I don't do. And they do it a lot.
I don't do anything. I want to do more things. But what do I do? And how do I go about doing them?
I wish I could get myself to do more things. Graduating college and serving a full-time mission are like my main accomplishments where I can be all like, "Ooh! See? I did those things! And those are hard things! Surely I'm not that lazy of a person!" I can even go back to my high school days where I was getting offered scholarships, winning awards and keeping up a solid GPA. But even in my past, doing things was tough for me. I was motivated by social pressures. Finishing school like a good, educated citizen. Checking the "returned missionary" box on my religious resume.
Sure I get stressed when I recognize people working hard, or even having fun. I feel like I can't do either of these things. It makes me wonder what's wrong with me; why I can't just be myself and go forward. But truth is, I've always felt like this. I just feel it heavier in some eras of my life than others. It goes up-and-down.
Occasionally I'll do tricky things out of my own will. I've recorded some self-written music. I've ran a few half marathons. But while hard work is a supposed cure for laziness, it has sometimes killed me in the past. I was anxious out of my mind on my mission and never felt like myself. When I was a TV news producer last year, I never felt like I was doing my job the right way. It's difficult to convince myself to do anything since I'm not convinced it will be worth the effort. In particular, failures with occupations and relationships have driven me to this self-doubt. What would it take to motivate me to do more things? What would it take to make me feel fulfilled?
Anyways, doing things is hard. Whether it's buying a house a playing guitar, every little thing comes with the weight of my potential to screw it up. Life is full of impossibilities.
For the record, I'd like to do more things. And I think trying out more things is a good way to learn more things. Now if I could just get out of bed...
