The picture above is a marvelous star-spangled lady dancing background for James Brown's "Living In America" in Rocky IV. I've always lived in America. These days, I'm not living in America. I'm kinda just, like...existing in America.
I post a lot of self-negative things on the internet. It's what I do. The more I do it, from each angle, it's interesting what kind of feedback I get from friends. Right now my main gripe is that I feel like my life has no purpose. I get a job I don't care about. And outside of work, I've lost all motivation to do anything interesting or fun.
I think I've been going through a bad trip, when it comes to the medication I'm on. I feel anxiety symptoms way too frequently. And I worry about things I've never worried about before. I've never felt like this before.
So why even mention America? I've just been thinking about the American Dream, and I don't think I fit the mold. Everything is too heavy for me. Working on anything, difficult or not, causes me stress. And yet doing nothing just leaves me empty. Nothing satisfies. I don't believe in anything. Nothing worth working for, nothing worth working on. In the land adventurous freedom and opportunity, I've lost all sense of adventure. "Work hard, play hard?" I do neither. I'm not a very good American.
I strive to be as extravagant as the lady in that picture. Wearing a giant feathery headdress, half-naked, waving American flags. Looks like a blast. Lately I have a hard time getting out of my house. I know I need to get a job again, but what's the point? I don't think I have any marketable skills. And when it comes to my spare time, I don't think about music the way I used to. There's no sense of energy or excitement. There's no peace or clarity. No purpose. Just existing. But at least I'm existing...in America.
