Hey there folks. I've been writing a lot. I have blog drafts piled upon blog drafts. I even have some long blogs I've recently written that I never shared on facebook, or reverted to draft only a couple hours after publishing. I've had a lot of hefty thoughts and emotions lately. But I start writing them and it all goes in too many directions. I no longer have any centralization. At least writing-wise. In real life?
UPDATE: Just literally as I finished writing this paragraph, my landlord texted me asking if I'll be living in this apartment next semester. Currently, I have no idea.
I graduate in December. This will wrap up my 10th semester of college (my 9th at USU). I'll be graduating with a degree in Stage Management. In all honesty, I don't know how stage mgt became my emphasis of study.
MY SELF-INDUCED COLLEGIATE SOB STORY
I started off as an acting major in junior college at The College of Southern Idaho back in fall 2009. I was always told I was talented at it from the college's directors, but somewhere during that time, I just decided not to believe them.
I returned to school in fall 2012 after serving an LDS mission, this time at USU. I was undeclared for 2 semesters. I was a JCOM major for fall semester 2013. I finished the semester seeking out a different major. I liked journalism, but thought there would be some other majors I'd like better.
I narrowed it down to a top 10 and was super close to joining USU's Theatre Education department. I talked with department head Matt Omasta for an hour and he said he was getting a "stage manager vibe" from me. I honestly didn't know what that was or what that meant, but after a chat with department head Bruce Duerden, I signed up immediately.
Spring semester 2014, I got a job writing one or two stories a week for the school paper, The Utah Statesman. I was offered the position. My writing has had a cult following ever since. A former Statesman editor had even suggested I write for the rest of my life. Despite all my personal-writing and journalism prospects, I was still a stage mgt major.
This hit me like a ton of bricks fall 2014. I was an assistant stage manager for "Ah, Wilderness!" I felt like a freaking mess. It was obvious to me that I didn't even know what stage mgt was or what a stage manager even did, but that I chose this major practically out of sheer curiosity.
I've done much more stage management work throughout the past 2 years. I've cut down on my Statesman writing almost permanently (however, lots of people read my psychological blog rants). I'll be stage managing one more show before I graduate. After that? Who the heck knows.
WHAT NOW?
My post-college plan right now is to find some hard, time-consuming work that pays well. I'd be living somewhere cheap, preferably. I plan on doing work like this until I'm out of student loan debt, which is a few thousand dollars. +/- this summer, I'd be financially comfortable enough to look for a real-world career. With a Bachelor's Degree and fiscal stability, things look a lot brighter. Only problem is: I will have a degree in a major I never cared much for.
Now don't get me wrong, I know that no matter what path I choose in my career bed of roses, there's gonna be plenty of thorns. But in front of stage management, I've had a more recognized talent for writing and a more recognized love for all things music. Regarding passions, skills, and opportunities, here's a GREAT 5-minute Mike Rowe video (screw the haters, by the way).
For those who didn't click the link, here are some main takeaways:
--Just because you're passionate about something doesn't mean you won't suck at it.
--Your happiness on the job has very little to do with the work itself.
--Never follow your passion, but always bring it with you.
Despite putting a damper on things when it comes to following your dreams, this video sheds some new light on my future. I have a freaking random grab-bag of experience on my belt. And when I find that career that fits into my random grab-bag, you bet I'm gonna use it to my advantage.
I.O.U.
In the meanwhile, I feel like I owe you something. Yes, you! Reading this blog because you love me or feel bad for me or both! I owe you.
I've had a couple low points in my life. I remember being diagnosed with general anxiety disorder back in November 2010. I was on my mission at the time, in North Vancouver. I started seeing a counselor at the time who I utterly loathed. I still knda do. But digging through my old missionary journal, I found this quote, directed to me:
"You will help out lots of people when you figure this thing out."
-Michelle Hooper (personal LDS Family Services counselor, Nov 2010)
I had forgotten about this quote until recently. Maybe she meant "lots of people" as in, like, 10 people I know. But maybe she meant football stadiums full of people. Heck if I know. But I've recently felt that-- years later, mind you-- the "when you figure this out" part has finally come to pass. Whether it's through my writing, my music, or my work, I need to use my abilities to help people.
Now, am I a perfect person? No. In fact, I realize that anxiety or no-anxiety, I will all always have some kinda problem(s) in my life that needs fixing. And that's a GOOD thing! Consistently working on an issue at-hand shows a desire to self-improvement! In my most anxious stages, I've definitely recognized my problems, but I also amplified them and placed them beyond my own mental reach of achieving. I say, Here are some problems I have now:
--I don't have a job lined up after I graduate
--I have 2 tests and a paper due next week
--I have to cancel the production meeting I myself arranged just 2 days ago
--I have a facebook page for my music that I rarely post on
--There are billions of women in the universe and I supposedly should marry one
--Isn't this great!
Let me tell you, I haven't always thought of life like this. I've come a long way. There were times in North Vancouver where I considered ways I could get myself sent into an ambulance. I wanted to prove there was something wrong with me, and I wanted to take a hospitalized break from the world. I made great progress for a few years, but fall semester 2014 crept around and I had began both fantasizing and planning ways to run away unnoticed. I had felt totally unloved and unaccomplished for a couple months. I know some of you might have experienced some lower times, but this is just my story.
Now? Like I said, I'm not perfect. But I feel like I truly defeated my anxiety when I realized that I can never be perfect, upon also realizing... I can never be a failure. Same goes for you.
