Like most years, it started in January...
The 18 Credit Semester
I made a vague New Year's resolution to be a positive person. I always knew myself to be self-conscious, but by the end of 2014, I had totally burned out on negativity. And I had no idea. I read this note I wrote to myself from Halloween 2014 and realized it was the most depressing thing in the freaking universe. I still read that note today and use it as a motivator of what not to think. In January, I immediately romanticized my worldview and made it a goal to improve on positiveness throughout the year.
Business Law
I was taking 18 credits, and of all my classes, this class was hardest. I felt like I was the only non-business major in there. Everybody knew all these business terms and were super ambitious. I flunked my first two tests with a 55% and a 45%. We had semester-long group projects and I learned a lot more from those guys than they know. I remember after I flunked that second test, I had an F in the class. I was staring at the ground during a group meeting saying out loud: "I suck at this. I don't know what to do." This combines with my next story.
Rabbit Hole Risk
I was about assistant stage manage my 3rd show in a row. I was on fire! I was hot! I was failing 2 of my classes. I realized I had to either quit the show or quit my job. I didn't have to do the show since I already did my required 2 shows that year. But I was gaining a lot of status among the theatre department. Well, after only 3 rehearsals, I quit the show. I was scared that the directors wouldn't like me anymore or that I'd look like a flake. But by the end of the semester, I raised my 2 F's to a B and a C. I passed my dreaded Business Law class!
My 4:00 AM Job
I started working an on-campus janitorial job where I had to be at work at 4am, 5 days-a-week. I remember falling asleep everywhere I went, some weeks. But I also remember making money and being financially stable. And I got to listen to my music at work, which is always good. I kept this job for fall semester as well and I've learned to enjoy those ungodly hours of the day.
The Sawtooth Summer
I've now worked 3 summers at Redfish Lake Lodge in Stanley, ID: 2009, 2012, 2015. This last summer, I really felt like I should get a job related to my stage management major. But I felt I needed 1 more summer at Redfish before I joined adulthood. I was worried that I came back because I was trying to re-live some past emotion. But no-- I learned new things.
The Bike Shop
For the most part, running the bike shop at Redfish Lake was the easiest job I ever had. I had minimal customers and had time to do whatever wanted. I learned from this experience... that I did NOT spend my time wisely. Because when I was working, it was super hard. I didn't know anything about bikes! How on earth did I score this job? I should have spent time studying bike parts and how to properly fix them. But for the record, yes, I did learn some important stuff about bikes. And those results were rewarding. But yeah, I was often lazy at work. I just needed confidence in my abilities, as well as my ability to learn.
The Church Song
I sang a song ("Let Him Heal Your Heart") at church on a Sunday in July. It went great! As the performer, I still remember the mistakes I made, but I also remember all the people crying in the congregation. Not like crying always means I invited the Spirit, but the compliments that accompanied them were sincere enough to prove I did something good. The compliment I'll never forget was from this 17-year-old girl. "You looked nervous up there before you sang. I don't think you have to be nervous. You're really good."
Trail Running
There's a trail-head next-door to our Redfish employee housing. I ran the 4.4 mile Fishhook Trail almost daily. For my previous 2 Redfish summers, I had been too scared to run the off-shoot trails from there that immediately went uphill. This year, I actually ran the Bench Lake and Marshall Ridge trails! I particularly liked the Bench Lakes trail to the National Forest border line and back. I was accomplishing great things and my life outlook had become super positive! On my last day at Redfish, I ran an entire hike-- all the way to the Bench Lakes!
The Return to the Island
I grew a mustache this semester. A real one. Started it over the summer. I've met lots of people this semester and most of them only recognize me based off my mustache. This is new. But I like. I might keep it going into 2016. And oh yeah, I moved back to the island in Logan! I LOVE THIS PLACE!
Paresthesia
I felt this a few times throughout the semester. At first, on a Sunday afternoon for a couple hours. Then I had it constantly for 3 days straight! I was tripping out and wondered if I was going crazy! I felt this abnormal tingling sensation along my scalp and my limbs would go numb. Even when my doctor diagnosed it, there was never a clear reason as to why it happened. I'm not sure how I got out of it, but I was just grateful to feel things again, even pain. I would wake up with paresthesia on some Saturday mornings, but that was all. I still don't know how it happened, but it drove me nuts and I should appreciate the benefits of physical and feeling.
Cat Props
I was Props Master for USU's Cat on a Hot Tin Roof. I had no idea what I was doing. I blocked out my lack of knowledge by acting like this was some easy task. This only made it harder in the end. I spent the week of tech rehearsals awake for over 20 hours-a-day. This could have easily been avoided if I just asked people for help from the very beginning. When I had questions, I wouldn't ask. Everything turned out okay, but my procrastinating and fake self-confidence sucked in the end.
Practicum Stress
I always felt stressed out during my practicum hours; reasonably less confident than outside of it. I almost never talked to anyone and did a minimal amount work. I didn't feel all the way there. I haven't figured out why. But dreading it never helped.
The Stuff I Learned
I've struggled to actually learn things in the last few years. I would struggled focusing when I read, I would repeat mistakes, I would reflect on my past instead of thinking of ways I could change. This year, I learned how to learn. I learned that in order to achieve things you've never achieved before, you have to do things you've never done before. I am encouraging myself to make mistakes; actually DO things! I've been to afraid of the outcomes of my actions. Really, at the end of the day, what's the worse that can happen?
Believe In Yourself
In the last half of September and first half of September, I had nearly 10 people-- none of whom know each other-- go up to me and say: "Scott, you're too hard on yourself." What does that even mean? Is it possible that my whole life, I've been thinking more self-derogatory thoughts than everybody else? I found out the answer to this was "Yes." I always knew I've been too negative and too self-conscious, but now my actions have caught up to the surface of the truth. Not only can I be less negative, I can join the self-positive population. My mom always reminds me, "Everybody likes you and you have no idea." Whether or not everybody likes me, I figure the least I can do is love myself. I can do what I want, or to put it better, I can let myself be happy. I realized how often I prevent myself from having fun. I can be happy at any time. It's all up to me. I don't have to reserve my deepest, happiest thoughts for certain times. I can live them.
Love's In Need of Love Today
This is a quote from a Stevie Wonder song. An interesting principle: "Love" itself is spread throughout the world, and it's up to us individually to show our love to help it grow. How do we "show our love" for others? Be grateful for what we have, Also, don't separate time of the day (or week) just for you; don't feel like you deserve some kind of time for yourself. These moments will come on their own if you previously devote your time to others. This could mean anything: A play you're working on, your 4am job, your family, someone sitting by themselves at the cafe. Chances are people out there truly need you.
Your Life Is Real
When I've made mistakes before, I'd like to think "life is just a dream." But then something good happens, and I can't soak it in. People! I learned this! Live in the moment! These days, I'll find myself on facebook for a million years then realize, "Scott! You're only going to be 25 for one year. Don't waste it on the internet!" Have you noticed that the happiest ghost in A Christmas Carol is The Ghost of Christmas Present? There's a character who pays attention to what's in front of him. The future and past are taken into account, but where you are now is most important!
Everywhere I go, my head is often in the clouds, if not in the ground. I'm always thinking of things outside of the room, outside of the moment. Sometimes they're important, sometimes I'm really just overthinking. You don't have to worry. I mean, worrying about things means you care about it, but you can solve overthinking that by actually talking about it and acting upon it! You have desires and they matter. How do you express them? You work hard and you play hard. Floating around life is very "chill," yet it wasn't until this year when I learned that outwardly expressing yourself is important to your health. Even if it's something you don't care about, you have to accomplish the matter at hand. And you will never internally succeed at that work unless you put your highest effort into it. Also, this makes your time off from work more enjoyable! True sadness is constant indecisiveness. True joy is having a duty to work on!
So this principle kinda covers all the previous ones-- serve other people, be yourself, act upon your impressions, get out there and embrace the reality of life. Next year, I expect I'll be doing plenty of things I don't necessarily want to do, but unlike years past, I will definitely do them the best I can. The more I do, the more I realize I still have LOTS to learn. And this time, I'm excited for it. Bring it on, 2016! I'm gonna learn to have FUN this year.
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