Mandatory New Year Crap

It's difficult for me to write a detailed personal blog post these days. Why is that?

I've been really freaking depressed for years.

I could sincerely just stop writing there and say I spoke the truth. But note how I ended that sentence with the words "for years." And we are now at the start of a new year. So perhaps this post will be more about what happens in years. The simple answer to this would be "life." Life is what happens every year. But some years are built different than others.

2023 Recap

So what do you want to hear about my 2023? I don't really know what information about my life people would care to hear. Which makes it hard to keep up a conversation. Like, every conversation ends when the other person asks me about my life. I suddenly realize I have nothing to say. Nothing particularly interesting, nothing I'm proud to admit, no hopeful news in my future. 2023 was my 7th consecutive year feeling this way; all 7 years since graduating college. Today, I talk about whatever the heck I want.

I have a hard time thinking about 2023 without the very first thing coming to mind being my going off psychiatric medication. I've been off meds since the last week of June. I've only told this to like 5 people. But it's always the first thing on my mind. Not going to my first music festival, not moving to Smithfield, not the big family vacations to the Florida coast or the Grand Tetons, not all 3 of my remaining grandparents dying within 9 months of each other, not doing a 10-mile run for my first time in years, not seeing my favorite band Wilco play live, not the couple of small music gigs I played, not buying a new used car with monthly payments for my first time ever, not all the hiking trails I checked out, not my makeshift trip to Idaho with a friend from Taiwan. The end of meds was the end of an era for me. 

"It's the end of an era, it's true."

While I had randomly assorted brief bouts with medication throughout my adulthood, this run was huge for me. April 2018 - June 2023. I still have very fond memories from October 2018 - October 2019. I was feeling physiologically more like myself than I had in a decade, and I owe it all to my meds at that time. But that magic eventually ran out with my own life changes, and I've since felt particularly hopeless for these last 4 years. 

My last few months newly off meds technically have not changed my life or behaviors at all. I'm still very much depressed on a daily basis. But my emotions no longer feel like a "life or death" circumstance. I feel them, they eventually pass, and they eventually come back. And the flow of emotions isn't as confusing to me; whereas meds often influenced good or bad emotions to arise out of nowhere. This is all interesting to me, although perhaps not something to talk about with someone you just met.

I Go Back

While I've long been guilty of overanalyzing my past, I'm kinda going through a bittersweet phase of introspection right now. I'm starting to emotionally recollect the times of my life I had once tried to erase. 

Country singer Kenny Chesney released this rather classic song when I was a teenager. A song I never revisit, but often consider its chorus: "Every time I hear that song, I go back!" There are lots of songs that can take me back to specific beautiful memories. And of course, songs I tend to avoid, because I don't wanna go back (if you know what I mean). 

Songs aside, I can look back at past behaviors and find myself cringing all the way. Some very distant memories, some very recent memories. How recent? Well, I've realized that I even dismiss my current behaviors in life. I assume I'll eventually "learn" to shrug them aside and change for good. That I'll return to my real self and my current life will one day just be another regrettable memory. 

That's not how it works. 

However, returning to my distant negative memories has helped me realize how connected all sides of me have always been, and always will be. Perhaps a lot of the dread I feel at the workplace is reminiscent of experiences I had as an LDS missionary; or real talk, even stuff dating back to struggles in elementary school. While I admit there are eras in my life--all garnered from my distant past--where I can say I found my truest self, those days are all connected to even my ugliest years. 

I've wondered for awhile if I've thought too much about my past in order to move forward. Yet I'm pretty sure it's natural to be drawn to good memories. My much bigger issue is not accepting the whole of my past. And therefor, eventually becoming unable to accept my present. 

2024 

Earlier in this blog, I wrote that "life" is what happens every year. "Life" as a word I've come to use more poetically than literally. Especially with the modern uptick of people employed as life coaches, I don't think I'm the only one with a loose definition of "life." Literally, I've been living for 33 years. Technically, I've spent a lot of time existing as deadweight. 

Perhaps the truest form of living life means you're living in the moment. I have not been doing this. I would see this as some kind of "hard to swallow" life lesson and I just need to buck up live my life right. But in my defense, living in the moment has been extremely hard for me for my entire adulthood. And any of the people reading this who think I can just flip that switch from 0 to 100, it's like, cool. Have fun believing that.

Like I mentioned in my last section, I'm kinda going through a bittersweet process of self-acceptance. I'm trying not to hate my most personally hate-able qualities. And I'm realizing those add up to make a really long list. This process probably doesn't have an end. But I really freaking hope that practicing self-acceptance leads to living in more moments. Cuz this stuff is hard.

I'm often scared to live in the moment because that means I'd give off more expressive behavior. I associate that with my clinical anxiety. Behavioral things I've increasingly tried to hide out of shame, leading to cumulating years of clinical depression. It's bittersweet (again, I know)... But this thing I'm scared of is probably my biggest goal for 2024.

That's it. That's the blog post.

25 Favo/Best Albums of 2023

Hey there folks. Here's a list of my 25 favorite (and therefor the best) albums of 2023. 

I've been making these lists on this blog since 2013. I recently claimed that this will be last year-end albums list. I stand by that. I absolutely want to keep making music lists. And I want to keep up with new releases. But it's come to mess up the comfortable view of music I used to have. 

See, I listened to 80 new albums in 2023. But also, this year, I revisited zero (0) albums from 2022. It's just hard for anything new to stick with me. Maybe it's because new music sucks, but I think it has to do with me thinking too critically to feel any momentary inspiration or enjoyment. 

That being said, I'm not sure about the shelf-life of the bottom half of this list. But the stuff towards the top is stellar. Some of my favorite albums of this decade. 

As usual from me, here are a few honorable mentions...

- Jason Isbell and the 400 Unit Weathervanes

- Noname Sundial

- Matana Roberts Coin Coin Chapter Five: In the garden...

And here's the actual list...

This first section is kind of a shitstorm of bands I have a love/hate relationship with. Very flawed music. Some of it too ironic for its own good. But I choose to applaud them for that. Pretty much interchangeable rankings.

25 100 gecs 10,000 gecs

24 MSPAINT Post-American

23 Home Is Where the whaler

22 shame Food for Worms

21 Model/Actriz Dogsbody

20 Hotline TNT Cartwheel

This section is much more tasteful. I have my bones to pick here, but solid listens compared to the competition. Also interchangeable rankings.

19 Kali Uchis Red Moon In Venus 

18 McKinley Dixon Beloved! Paradise! Jazz?!

17 Yves Tumor Praise A Lord Who Chews But Which Does Not Consume; (Or Simply, Hot Between Worlds)

16 Amaarae Fountain Baby

15 ANOHNI and the Johnsons My Back Was A Bridge For You To Cross

14 Mitski The Land Is Inhospitable and So Are We

13 Gia Margaret Romantic Piano

Another interchangeable section, only these are albums I think could make my top 10 any given year. They're awesome. And I could write very long reviews of each of these.

12 Lana Del Rey Did you know that there's a tunnel under Ocean Blvd

11 Joanna Sternberg I've Got Me

10 Jeff Rosenstock HELLMODE

9 Wiki & Tony Seltzer 14k Figaro

8 Liturgy 93696

I think very highly of this top 7. I honestly have had a hard time connecting with new music in the 2020's. But all of these really scratched my itch. Excellent production quality, unique songwriting... I see myself coming back to this stuff in years to come. Here's another interchangeable section before we get to the very very top.

7 billy woods & Kenny Segal Maps

6 Parannoul After the Magic

5 Caroline Polachek Desire, I Want To Turn Into You

4 Armand Hammer We Buy Diabetic Test Strips

In my heart, I don't really know what my album of the year is. But it's one of these three. So yes, even my top 3 is interchangeable. But it's the strongest, most exciting top 3 I've listened to in years. 

3 Lonnie Holley Oh Me Oh My

2 Kara Jackson Why Does the Earth Give Us People to Love?

1 Sufjan Stevens Javelin

Blogging After College Has Sucked

I've enjoyed blogging for over 10 years now. But I gotta admit. There were times when I enjoyed it much more. Certain semesters of college. I would often get a ton of views and feedback, too. For the majority of my time since graduating college in December 2016, I don't think I've written much worth reading. I still write a lot, but it's usually a trudge of a read. There are reasonable reasons for this.

For starters... Nothing is happening. College was a fun little package of time where my social situations would change every 4 months. I think of that time in terms of summers and semesters. Since graduating, I've spent most of my time just working a full-time job and doing stuff by myself. Nothing new to report. I miss writing about my life and mental health with this unique anxious energy about my present and future.

Then there's music. I used to write about music passionately. I can't do that anymore. Why not? I feel like I maybe know too much now. Particularly after 2021, where I spent the whole year listening to albums I've never tried before on a daily basis. I can write extremely long pieces about music I love, but nothing hits me like it used to. Miss hearing an album for my first time and obsessing over it. Buying CD's and saving music on mp3 player, long before downloading everything on my premium subscription to the Spotify app on my phone. I now listen to more music than ever. But the thrill is gone.

I think the biggest hit on how I feel about writing was when I started taking psychiatric medication.

This started a few months into 2018. Whether it's been through blogging or social media or real life, I feel like I've spent a ton of the last 5 years just complaining about my life and how I feel. Looking back at how much I've done this (especially over social media), it's honestly embarrassing. And yet, it's not like I was lying. It's just like... Dang. I felt 10 times less mature as a 30 year-old than I ever did in my 20's. Just so many behavioral changes and contradictory emotional experiences. I promise I'm going somewhere with this...

I distinctly remember a couple antipsychotics I took over the span of 1 year that actually made me feel desirably better. Late 2018 through late 2019. I've been on a bunch of pills since then. Some underwhelming, some straight-up bad. I can't go back to those antipsychotics because I was honestly sleeping too much. But I've reached the point where I wonder if I should just go off medication. Unless I come across something that can have powerful positive effects and not also overpower me with sketchy side effects. I'm currently on 1 medication, so you could say I'm almost out. But there is 1 thing I'm afraid of, that I also kinda miss. 

Ever since I've been on medication, I haven't felt this anxious tension in my stomach. I felt it constantly since I was like 19, all the way until I was a few months into age 27. During that whole time, I wanted that to go away, and it did. But dang, I've definitely switched from being used to daily anxiety to being used to feeling critically depressed. Going back to the 2nd paragraph here where I talk about "anxious energy" and stuff, I miss that feeling. Yet I'm also afraid to go back to it. 

I mean, I look at the numbers, and my recent years with medication have been harder to look back on than my years without. There are a few exceptions; some periods of my adult years where the anxiety was too high. But dang, the 3+ years since going off those antipsychotics have mostly been super depressing. Plenty of distress and dread. I guess I'm willing to try different meds, but I don't feel bad about setting a high bar for how well I expect them to work.

Perhaps it's all about that 2nd paragraph here, where blogging used to be more exciting simply because I was younger and life was just more exciting. I could make music lists all day, although I find that very self-serving. But whether I have more exciting life updates to write about, or some music takes that people want to hear... Could I at least get more excited about this stuff? Excited about anything?

Kilby Block Party Review

I went to my first concert festival last weekend and I'm here to review it. I'll be talking about the 10 bands I saw and 1 particular band I didn't see. This will be split into 5 sections.

i. INTRO

I don't want to talk to much about the festival experience because it was kinda predictably inconvenient. Just a ton of sweaty young adults smokin' and drinkin'. Super crowded. Overpriced food. Porter potties. The works. I went by myself, which wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be. I either just kept to myself or talk to strangers about music. And the kicker here... For someone who loves music so much, I've never been too big into the concert life. Why did I go to this music festival? 

I live in Logan UT. Kilby Block Party takes place in Salt Lake City UT. I could drive to this place. I saw the lineup this year and knew I had to go. A solid list of artists that I've been a big fan of over the last 10 years, some as far back as my rose-tinted high school days. 

The band I wanted to see most was Pavement. From my hometown of Stockton CA, they broke up in 1999 and essentially only tour once every 10 years. Mostly due to the time of my life I was getting into their music, I can honestly call them one of my top 5 favorite bands of all time. They were the closer on the final night. And I didn't get to see them. 

I complained about this on the internet and I'll get to the full story later. But honestly--for a lot of my friends who are into alternative rock or indie or whatever--if they knew which bands I did see, they wouldn't feel bad for me at all. Sure, Pavement was my personal favorite band in this lineup. But the rest of the weekend was pretty freaking solid.

ii. FRIDAY

Deerhoof -- I guess I could have showed up every day in the morning and saw a million bands. But being honest with myself, all the bands I wanted to see were the bigger names in the afternoon. And spending 3 entire days on my feet by myself sounds miserable. But straight up, I wanted to see Deerhoof. I've heard 4 of their albums before, although I was worried I wouldn't recognize individual contorted rock songs. I kinda didn't, which was ok, because they freaking killed it. Their drummer (Greg Saunier) was easily my pick for best drummer of the weekend. And they at least busted out "This Magnificent Bird Will Rise" just to appease me.

Japanese Breakfast -- I missed most of this show and there were clearly bigger fans there. I do remember her (Michelle Zauner) saying that Kilby Block Party had "the best lineup of all the festivals." And I actually agree. I know established festivals like Coachella get much bigger names and much bigger crowds. But I think Kilby was made for folks like within in a specific circle of music media. I really felt like I was getting more bang for my buck this weekend. Which is why I usually like smaller indie shows. I'm even intimidated to see a band as big as Wilco. But anyways... She wrapped up, and I immediately pressed forward for a good standing spot to see Yeah Yeah Yeahs.

Yeah Yeah Yeahs -- I've never been through a life-changing YYY's phase, but I knew they would kick ass live, which they did. Karen O is a commanding stage presence who just wants to dress pretty and rock out. And they know how to have fun. As they started playing "Zero," they released giant beach balls that looked like eyeballs. Which yes, I did get in on that action. But I didn't get into all the action from this show. Before the band showed up, I watched this chick next to me very casually snort a spoonful of cocaine. No, I had never seen that before. She ended up just dancing to herself the whole show, which is what I did, so what the hey. I found the drunk people much more annoying. Anyways, I forgot YYY's released a new album nobody liked last year, which dragged the show a bit. But they luckily played the hits. Predictably closed with "Maps" and "Heads Will Roll," although they surprised me with Fever To Tell banger "Date With The Night" for the encore. This included Karen O sliding her microphone down her jumpsuit and playing around with it like she had a dick, which I can only assume is a stage move she's been doing for over 20 years.

 

iii. SATURDAY

Caroline Polachek -- So the new Caroline album sits as my current pick for album of the year. Of course I had to see her. I met up with a buddy of mine from Logan that afternoon. He came to see different bands, but we at least I got him to see Caroline with me. Some quotes from him on the show: "This woman has a beautiful voice." "This woman is beautiful." He's right. It was cool seeing her perform her new album in almost its entirety, although it reminded me why I usually don't see pop acts live. You get the vocal gymnastics with some appropriately loud synthesizers in the background. Just hard to recreate a studio experience in a concert setting. Still kept me drawn in though. Beautiful songs.

Weyes Blood -- This is a tough one for me to explain. I've listened to her (Natalie Mering) 2019 album Titanic Rising a million times and have a spiritually personal relationship with it. Yet they gave her a super small stage for some reason. There weren't a lot of people there and folks kept leaving early. As for me, even though I like her newest release, it was hard for me to stay interested in these renditions of its songs. That is, except "God Turn Me Into A Flower," which suddenly turned the show into holistic experience. I awkwardly wandered between stages as her set was wrapping up, but I wandered back in awe as she closed with "Movies," which again, turned the show from something disjointed to holistic like a light-switch. I will give her the award for best stage banter though. I'm convinced that AI and astrology are equally fake answers to life's questions.

Run The Jewels -- Listen man... This was the only big ticket rap act the festival had. And it was just what the doctor ordered. I've been a fan of this duo since their debut album in 2013, and in fact love all 4 of their albums. I had a terrible spot in the back of the crowd, but that did not stop me from yelling a bunch of NSFW lyrics and dancing my pants off. Killer Mike opened things up with "SALT LAKE CITY! I FEEL LIKE JOHN STOCKTON UP IN THIS MUTHAFUKKA!" He later gave a heartfelt speech in honor of Mother's Day. These guys are a special breed. I had to take a moment to admire that I was watching 2 rap legends who've been at it since the 90s. Yet their careers are now stronger than ever, and for this show, it was just all about giving the RTJ fans what they wanted. And I was totally fine with that. 

The Strokes -- The Strokes was the biggest show of the weekend (at least specifically for the Utah crowd) and I was sad that I was gonna be miles away from the stage. So many people came just to see this band. But that even included a group of friends I had back from my last summer working at Redfish Lake. I bumped into them and they let me join their crew for The Strokes. So many freaking people. The stage really looked like it was miles away. But you know what. I got into this band when I was in high school and I was kinda loving it. I've heard their first two albums hundreds of times over the years. And they realllly stuck with that material. Honestly played the majority of Is This It. Sung along with every word. I said I'd leave a little early, but I didn't know they would close with "Someday," so I found myself dancing with strangers as I made my way outside the crowd. Like the rest of the weekend, it was kinda awkard, but definitely memorable. Also like this photo I took of a couple I just met that night.

iv. SUNDAY

Duster -- I showed up tired on Sunday afternoon, and hoo boy, this act didn't help. I do like Duster and I made a point of seeing them. But I spent a lot of it looking for a place to sit. And even sitting didn't feel comfortable. Someone near me described their sound as "just background music to get high to." Technically every band that played this weekend took that title for some, but I knew what he meant.

The Walkmen -- Hamilton Leithauser. Remember that name. He's the lead singer for The Walkmen and talented as they come, he's probably the most likable, charismatic frontman I've ever seen. The Walkmen are touring for the first time since their breakup 10 years ago, and you can just tell he felt like the luckiest man in the world just to be back with the band. He ended the show running through the walkway into the audience giving everyone high-fives. But he gave me probably the greatest stage moment of the weekend. As the band started playing their biggest song "The Rat," he runs up to the mic with 4 baguettes cradled in his arms, and asks the audience "Who wants some bread?" He then proceeds to to chuck the baguettes into the audience. You can witness some of this at the start of this YouTube video, from which I stole the good quality photo shown below.

Pixies -- I moved up the crowd right after The Walkmen to get a good spot for Pixies. Got into Pixies in high school, and I thought this was totally worth it. It mostly was. Especially since the place was packed. Got some great photos while I could (including the one at the top of this blog post). I told myself beforehand that Pixies would probably be the best band for moshing, even if that's not my thing. Welp. A bunch of other people had that same thought. And I found myself in the center of chaos. Moshpit, crowdsurfers, it was all up in my face. Nobody was able to stand still or go untouched. My crotchety 32 year-old ass would complain about this, but the show itself was so freaking good. There was no stage banter. In fact, it seemed like there was a mere 3-second gap between songs. I knew every song and the energy was relentless. Well, they did eventually relent... They had to stop mid-song during "Vamos" due to lighting. And I can't tell a lie: This was a real storm.

v. CLOSURE

The only band left was Pavement. I made a run for their stage immediately in case the storm stopped. But it only got scarier. I decided to leave, considering how late it was. Even my hopeful side drove past the venue again 30 minutes later, and it was still silent. But I found out the next morning that they let Pavement do a whole set an entire 90 minutes later that night. I was so pissed and distraught and sad and confused. I bought a tour merch t-shirt for these guys. I saw the band post a clip of the show on Twitter, playing in front of a really small audience in the rainy darkness. I commented with my grief of having left too early. And I actually got a reply from a member of the band (Bob Nastanovich) who sympathized with me and said "See you next xs." I don't know what xs means. But with such a bummer ending to the weekend, this is probably the best closure you can ask for.

So would I ever go to a music festival again? Even though this was fun, I'm actually gonna say no. It made me realize just how much I like specific concert experiences. Going to see a favorite band where you know you'll know every song. Going to a small show in an intimate setting. I think the next shows I go to will be like this. Or heck, on a personal level, taking more opportunities to be a performing act yourself. There are clearly just people who like going to concerts more than I do, or actually find the festival atmosphere more enjoyable (smells included). But this was just such an excellent lineup right in my back yard, it was hard for me to say no. (sigh) Pavement may never come to Utah again. But I'm glad I went.

"A good memory."

Let's talk about me. That's what we usually talk about on this blog.

But first, let's talk about OK Computer. Oddly enough, another popular topic for this blog.

I was about 19 years old  when I got myself a used CD copy of Radiohead's heralded 1997 art rock classic OK Computer. This was during my sole semester as an acting major at the College of Southern Idaho, in the fall of 2009. I actually love and appreciate this album way more now than I did back then. I find it undeniably futuristic and influential. Sure, I liked it back then, but for different reasons. I mostly related to its discomforting themes.

Instead of reviewing this whole album, we're gonna talk about 1 song. "Fitter Happier." Not so much a "song" as it is a computerized voice reading off the society-approved descriptions of a perfect person, as broken classical music plays in the background. This track alone deserves a novella-sized review, but there's literally just 1 line I want to talk about today...

"A good memory."

So yeah, if you want a long list of stereotypical traits "the perfect person" may have, maintaining a good, strong memory of what you've done in the past and things you've learned before should be mentioned. No real reason to dive into this. Unless you're Scott E Hall at age 19. And you absolutely 100% misinterpreted this simple line into something more specifically personal and pertinent in your life.

I write about depression and anxiety a lot. And I'm doing it again today.

It's crazy how quickly you can lose grasp of your mental and spiritual stability. To just get utterly destroyed. Junior college very quickly whipped me into a state of frustration and confusion I had never experienced before. 2009 had been a beautiful year for me, up until that point. But I was doing what I wanted to do with my life. I was acting, I was starting a college education off scholarship money, and more importantly, I even had plenty of friends living in town. Yet acting didn't feel the same. Being with friends didn't feel the same. Pretty much everything (even in my alone time) didn't feel as good or normal as the previous months of my life. This is called anhedonia, by the way.

It was hard for me to tell if the memories of my recent life were even real. They were good memories that came with strong feelings. And these events even happened recently in my life. Yet they suddenly felt so very distant. And even unreal. To this day, I try to explain this to people and I don't think I can fully explain it in a way y'all can understand. Anyways, I had something itching the back of my mind throughout this semester. During every social event, or any potential spiritual experience, or moment of learning something new, I always thought in the back of my mind: When I look back on this, will this be a good memory?

I guess this thought that makes total sense on paper, but in practice, it was one of many thoughts preventing me from living in the moment. Because I had valued all the memories I made in my later teen years. But during those good times, this thought was never on my mind during any of it. Now here I am approaching age 19 and my inevitable Mormon mission, and I was quietly losing my goddamn mind. Probably a bad time to get into OK Computer, but that was my newest purchase. And when I heard them talking about "a good memory," I really thought they were talking about making (or being part of) moments that will be looked back on as good memories in your future. It's a thought process that would go on to haunt me for 3 more years.

Sidenote: Notice I was already experiencing negative thoughts without the influence of these songs in the first place. Nirvana-hating boomers, take note.

So why am I writing about this interesting (albeit random) lyrical misinterpretation as a 32 year-old man in 2023? I've realized this is a problem I still have today. It's just taken a very different form. All my favorite memories are from years ago. Age 17 and 18 are probably still my favorites, as those were my last days without anxiety and depression struggles. But I can list off other really good years from my college life. Problem is, I graduated from college over 6 years ago. I had a similar crisis post-college as I did when I started junior college. I lived with my parents for months and was usually unemployed, scared stiff of making any life choices whatsoever. And I would go on to spend much of the following 5 years on medications that weren't a reasonable fit for me. 

I think my 2 most immediate struggles these days are loneliness and daily dread. And yet, I really like spending time alone and I'm too scared to change my current work situation. Sometimes, the best feelings I get all day come from memories. 

Much like myself at age 19, it's hard to believe the good times ever happened. When I talk to people about who I am, I can only talk about things I've done in the past, because there is no present worth discussing. When I talk to people about my hobbies and interests and accomplishments, I feel like I'm lying to them. Or that they don't believe me. Either way, I have 0 internal validation of how accurately I view my past, particularly when I look back on something fondly. Is it possible that I can get older and go back to living in times that will make for good memories? Feeling a mental and emotional sense of stability that will keep me living in the moment?

I'm calling 50/50 yay or nay.

Honestly, I realize I just punched you guys with some of my most unhealthy mindsets, both past and present. I figured this was all worth mentioning because I often consider these things when I think about music. I often try to go back to music I used to love. It used to be like a spiritual experience. Like these songs would engulf my body as I listened to them, or even simply had them stuck in my head. I still love music today, but I long for the ways it used to make me feel. 

And speaking of music... OK Computer! I actually never listened to that album much during my Utah State University days because it brought back bad memories of me being 19. But I've gotten over that. Now? I have a hard time revisiting most music I got into from most of the last 6 years. That sounds bad, but I'm sure I'll come back around to those songs in time. Meanwhile, I always switch up my rotation with new songs, and also go back to those old soundtracks to good memories.

While most of my blog posts about mental health end with a generic way of saying "things are getting better these days," I actually don't want to say that this time because I'm afraid I'll just jinx it. I'll instead leave with another "Fitter Happier" lyric...

"No longer empty and frantic, like a cat tied to a stick that's driven into frozen winter shit."

That imagery is just as depressing as it is cartoonish, but there. We can only hope that we no longer feel empty and frantic. We can't force ourselves to not feel insanely bad, nor tell other people to stop feeling that way. We can only let other people know when we are feeling this way, and hopefully they give you a hug or something. Which sounds like a good memory.

Let's Review 'In Utero'

So this blog post really isn't gonna be a good ol' fun time. In fact, this is gonna be PFL (pretty freakin' long). But I'll try to at least keep this interesting. Because I think about this album a lot. And I wanted to make sure I go over this with a more "self-as context" approach, instead of while I'm caught up in the sauce. I'm in the middle of a 3-day weekend right now, which means I'm like 80% less stressed than if I were to write this on a work day. While perhaps reviewing a music project that's historically tied with mental illness sounds like a defective way to spend an empty day, I actually feel like both this music and the topics surrounding it are appropriate for me to bring up. Because I love this album and I often want to talk about it. Yet nobody really brings up this album, nor the corners of mental illness that are directly/indirectly related. So why not just let it all out in a blog post? This is what the internet is for.

MUMBLING AND SCREAMING: WHY?

I do a pretty decent Kurt Cobain vocal impersonation. I was 19 when I started noticing his vocal approach wasn't too different than that of my favorite 90s indie rock slacker skateboarder singers. You just take those voices, and make them sound really perturbed. I guess I can't really do Kurt's iconic growling where it sounds like he's singing through some cud in his mouth. The "Come As You Are" voice. But I really approve of his mumbling and screaming. And there's plenty of that on In Utero. Not to mention he has plenty of say that's worthy of mumbling and screaming.

I rather detest the idea that people shouldn't be listening to music like this. Like, a lot. People are out there like: Why would you listen to something that sounds ugly and has consistently negative messages? I actually take this kind of logic as more reason for bands like Nirvana to exist; and thrive, for that matter. If we were to only fight off our ugly emotions with music that opposes them, that's pretty darn similar to just ignoring that these feelings exist. And it's not like these artists are introducing these negative concepts to us. Especially for those of ud suffering with mental illness, we were already indulging in our own mentally unhealthy thoughts long before we discovered our favorite distorted rock bands. 

As a kid, I found Nirvana super overrated for years. I'm listening to my local radio station trying to listen to Matchbox Twenty and Barenaked Ladies, then they decide "Smells Like Teen Spirit" fits in with this rotation for some reason. It really never did. I took an alternative route to becoming an Nirvana fan. I went down indie rock rabbit holes via internet in my teen years that led me to Pixies and Dinosaur Jr. Then I realized Nirvana sounds right at home next to these folks.

So yeah, I actually totally get why someone wouldn't like Nirvana for their sound alone. Some people just don't like much noisy music. Some aesthetically unappealing vocals, guitars that border on metal. Of course it's not mandatory for people to like this. I just wish y'all would simply admit that was the reason you don't like them. 

THE POSTERCHILDREN FOR MENTAL ILLNESS STIGMA

Every therapist I've had knows right off the bat that I'm a music fan. Every counselor I ever had with LDS Family Services has asked me if I like Nirvana. Or as the first one called them, "that one band from Seattle with that Kurt Cobain fellow." I answer yes, they write down a quick note, and we proceed like that never happened. Look. It is the saddest thing in the entire universe that people stereotypically associate one band with suicidality like this. Heck, even just Cobain's tragic life story itself. Yet I don't think folks realize this... I listen to A LOT of music. Do you have any idea just how many artists I listen to that have struggles with suicidality?

Looking at my top 50 most-streamed artists on Spotify, Nirvana isn't even on there. Yet there are multiple artists on this list who are either currently living after having attempting suicide, or have died as a result of their attempts. One artist I'd like to focus on here is Nick Drake. He released only 3 albums, all beautiful folk music, between 1968 and 1972. He died in 1974 at the age of 28 after an intentional drug overdose. I bought a CD copy of his 1972 album Pink Moon during my first semester of junior college. While his previous albums featured a bunch of different instruments to sounds as full and bright as a movie soundtrack, the entirety of Pink Moon is just his voice and his acoustic guitar. The lyrics are depressing as hell. It is extremely hard not to look at a work so bleak and not try to connect it with Nick's apparent struggles with suicidal depression. 

But your therapist never asks you if you listen to Nick Drake. Just Nirvana.

Your dad listens to your Nick Drake CD sometimes. Just not Nirvana.

Apparently being a Nirvana fan is bad for your health. For 30 years and counting. Much like in real life, people are more willing to show care and comfort to those expressing depressive and anxious thoughts by way of sadness. But anger is an ultimately unwelcome emotion. Respectively, angry people are hard to talk to. Apologies to anybody I ranted at this weekend while I had a migraine. Although, the generational backlash of Nirvana-phobia is apparent proof that angry people are also hard to listen to. 

Now for the record, Nirvana was the most popular band in the world for a few years. And Nick Drake never sold many records during his lifetime. So your parents or your friends or your therapists have most likely only heard of the generational phenomenon rock band, and not the old folk singer you can only find on the internet. I can't help but compare the Nick's story Kurt's. Because the amount of fame Kurt achieved was beyond anything any of us will ever experience. It's a story that people have used to dissect the mentality of rock stars for about 30 years now. Nick Drake was a clinically depressed unpopular artist who quit making music to live with his parents. As someone who also writes songs that nobody listens to and has a history of suicidal thoughts, a review of Pink Moon might actually hit too close to home for me today. While the story of Kurt Cobain after In Utero was equally tragic, I really feel like the toxic reputation behind this man's name and his music needs defending. Or at least I feel like a review of this album would be a defense of myself being a 100% fan of it. Like, I'm just not cool with all the disrespect the mentally ill get for simply being a fan of this particular famous rock band. So let's pick up where I left off a few paragraphs ago. "Mumbling and screaming." 

THE ACTUAL REVIEW

Nirvana has 3 albums. 1988's Bleach was a pure dose of Seattle's grunge scene, and while it will always be my #3 pick from their discography, it's still a great rock record. 1991's Nevermind was their major label debut, and now sits as one of the 30 highest-selling albums of all time. You know, the one with the naked baby reaching for a $1 bill underwater. Myself being born in 1990, I clearly see their surprising rise to popularity as the most culturally significant shift in the worldwide music scene humanly imaginable. They made a big fat loud alternative rock record that sold so much that suddenly every 80s trend became immediately obsolete. I actually think that whether or not they ever got stanky rich, Nirvana woulda made followed up this sound with an album like In Utero anyways. 

Utero was produced by Steve Albini. Cobain's personal list of his 50 favorite albums of all time has circulated the public eye for years, and it includes a couple of albums produced by Albini. The Breeders' Pod. Pixies' Surfer Rosa. Like the staunch beautiful bastard he is, Albini did not want to work with a major-label act of ignoramus musicians like Nirvana. But they actually got along with each other very well. It's documented that Albini specifically liked the band, but hated all the record label snakes involved with them. This hate lingered after the recording process. Utero was apparently originally recorded in the classic Albini style similar to his early-90s works with Jesus Lizard and PJ Harvey. The most raw rock sounds possible, with the amount of clear crunch and extreme volume dynamics to make it sound like you're in the room with the band yourself. But the folks at DGC Records apparently messed with Albini's original mixes, adding some muddied effects to closer match the tones and timbres heard on Nevermind. You know, the record that made them a ton of money. While I'm totally fine with how In Utero sounds as/is, I would LOVE to hear the original Albini recordings.

Sorry for telling you stuff you coulda learned yourself on Wikipedia. Back to some personal meaning... Without access to streaming service yet, I never heard this whole album front-to-back until I bought a CD copy of it while I was at Utah State University in 2013. It was in a $1 bin at the local Hastings (RIP). I do remember an alt-rock station that played the singles "Heart-Shaped Box" and "All Apologies" on a regular basis back when I was a teenager. And I stumbled upon a couple other assorted tracks from it back when I was 19, right before my mission. One of those songs was "Dumb." And I don't think I ever really associated with Nirvana's music until I heard this song.

When I heard this song, I was suffering from then-undiagnosed anxiety. I heard the lyrics: "I'm having fun. I think I'm dumb. Or maybe just happy." This was absolutely not a new concept to me. I was like, "THANK YOU." In a pretty non-poetic way, just hearing this dude mumble about how he feels like he's a stupid person every time he finds himself having a good time... It's a mindset I still struggle with today. I already knew I was gonna love this album the day I bought it.

The opening track "Serve the Servants" is full of golden one-liners.

"Teenage angst has paid off well. Now I'm bored and old." For the record, my mom claims I was the most chill teenager she ever raised. But personally, as an adult, I still feel the same inner sense of rebellion I had as a teenager. Now I find adult life even less satisfying than my angsty teen years.

"I tried hard to have a father, but instead I had a dad." This is technically the dumbest statement I ever heard and I love it. 

"There is nothing I could say that I haven't thought before." Of course. Because that's how freaking thinking and talking works.

I haven't said much abut the screaming on this album. Because I didn't exactly expect it. It shows up in full force on the track 2, "Scentless Apprentice." I honestly don't always like screaming in my music. But the break into the chorus here with that "HEYYYYY, GO AWAY" is just kinda my archetypal example for screaming on rock songs, at this point. I credit the Steve Albini touch on the vocal recording here. Kurt screams on a few other tracks on this album, with my other favorite example being "Milk It." On this track, he screams "TEST MEAT, DOLL STEAK," which is just some ugly imagery thrown into a song that already has some rather grotesque statements on self-negativity. Respectively, this is probably why our parents hate Nirvana more than Nick Drake.

Anyways... My other two favorite tracks are "Pennyroyal Tea" and "Radio Friendly Unit Shifter." "Pennyroyal" has is an excellent show of Nirvana's quiet/loud dynamics, while sneaking in a shoutout to Leonard Cohen. And "Radio Friendly" has my favorite guitar parts on the whole album, and includes the mumbling "What is wrong with me?" refrain, which is a question I ask myself all-too frequently.

So perhaps I did a terrible job promoting this album to people who I already know aren't gonna like it. It pretty much contains the opposite of what you want to discuss with your friends and family. Both musically and lyrically. In fact, going back to that question: "Why would you listen to something that sounds ugly and has consistently negative messages?" That's actually a fair question. I guess it should just be put out there that maybe people actually want to express that part of themselves. Some of us want to see that internal distortion reflected in our stereos. 

MANDATORY SECTION REGARDING A CERTAIN SONG

I did not mention every song on this album because I don't have to. Although when it comes to my personal moral code, I think the most disturbing thing someone could try to defend is the fact that this album has a song titled "Rape Me." Sure, I get that this is an expression of pain. And while the song doesn't actually talk about the experience of sexual abuse, you gotta wonder. Why did Kurt decide to go with such a controversial title? Noted; There's a B-side to this album titled "I Hate Myself and Want to Die." As far as I see it, this is the exact same disturbing message. I guess in the year 2023, I see label executives switching one track with the other. And I honestly do take points away from this album for including a short song that comes off as an attempt at shock value by saying "rape" 26 times. "I Hate Myself" is a perfectly fine substitute that definitely gets that painful message across. Because straight up, "I want to die" is something a lot of people say to themselves. 

We aren't supposed to judge an artist's mental state based on their music alone. Because we know about how Kurt died, it is extremely difficult not to do this. This is why I think, both as people and as artists, we can only front so much with serious topics like death. If you say "I want to die" and you don't mean it, I find that pretty screwed up. Because a lot of people, Kurt included, actually mean that. I guess in a perfect world, nobody says that at all. In a world next to songs about feeling dumb every time you smile, or feeling a burdensome chain attached to your romantic relationships? I think this is a welcome place to just let out all your darkest thoughts and emotions. And I can make an extremely long list of albums I like that work as a place to do this. In Utero, Pink Moon, Red House Painters, Disintegration, Elliott Smith, The Downward Spiral. To name a few.

GOOD AND BAD REASONS TO HATE NIRVANA

I know I feel like this review is never going to end, and it's a painful read, I just have to share another thought about appropriate judgment here. There are lots of reasons to dislike Nirvana. And I've even met in the middle and admitted that even I have my limits when it comes to something being legitimately inappropriate. But then we have Oasis's Noel Gallagher. He critiques Kurt's negative lyrics, saying: "There was a guy who had everything, and was miserable about it... Kids don't need to be hearing that nonsense." He then goes on to compare that to himself learning to love life, even when when he and his band were starting out in dirt-poor conditions. I think I speak for myself, and for Kurt Cobain, and for Nick Drake when I say this to Gallagher: WELL GOOD FOR FREAKING YOU. 

While I like the idea that we should try to enjoy our lives under any given circumstance, I disgust the idea that expressing joy is the ultimate expectation. Whether you're a struggling artist who can't seem to make it big, or a rock star with kajillion dollars, we are all susceptible to feeling miserable, angry, or falling into clinical mental struggles. And god forbid we express that, right? So hard to listen to "Champagne Supernova" knowing that dude is part of the mental illness stigma machine...

Anyways. In Utero rocks. Nirvana is a great band. This much is just opinion. I've associated with their negative side for years. And it's bittersweet to feel like you're listening to a friend speak to you, and knowing that those destructive thoughts could climax to severe internal levels. But it's bad enough that people get judged for not acting happy enough. Heck, I already mentioned before, when I'm happy, "I think I'm dumb." But let's up the ante one more notch: Could we just not judge people for liking Nirvana? Like a lot of other bands out there, the music and lyrics are always there for me if I feel like it. It's the never-ending social stigma that's always working in opposition of progress.