Scott's Classic Rock Chronicles I: The Basics

Music is the most important topic on this blog. I often write about modern independent artists that receive little radio airplay. But long before I was streaming underground electronica albums on the internet... I was a classic rock guru.
I literally spent 2 years of my life not knowing any new music because I was listening to classic rock radio all the time. I would use my parents' dial-up internet to look up the discography of bands like Grand Funk Railroad and Heart. At age 13, I knew more classic rock band statistics than most adults. I even spent a summer making my own homemade version of "classic rock Monopoly." I would never know so much about hipster music if I didn't start out by obsessing over classic rock. 
The funniest part about the music critic world is seeing how they handle "rock" music. Because every time they mention "rock," they put the word "rock" in quotation marks. This is because, no matter who you are, nobody knows what "rock" is. I have to grace the world with my encyclopedic knowledge of the genre of classic rock. I will show you the light as to how good (or bad) everybody's favorite rock bands really are. There will be lists. There will tears. There will be superficiality. 
Here are the basics of classic rock according to Scott.

The Beatles Are Not Classic Rock 

The Beatles are the greatest band of all time. Their music features guitars, percussion and vocals. George Harrison is one of my favorite guitarists of all time. But that doesn't mean The Beatles classify as a classic rock band.
 The internet's most generic database (Wikipedia) defines classic rock as "music ranging generally from the late 1960s to the late 1980s, primarily focusing on commercially successful hard rock popularized in the 1970s" (citation to NY Times writer Jon Pareles noted). The Beatles career just barely edge this timeline. However, they impressively wedged in some classic rock tracks during that time: "While My Guitar Gently Weeps," "Come Together," "Helter Skelter," "I Want You (She's So Heavy)," to name a few. But while the classic rock genre was emerging from the live concert settings, The Beatles had already stopped touring in 1966. They were a studio-conscious band making experimental music. 
If you want to be a contrecoeur of pop music as a whole, study up The Beatles. If you want to grow your hair long and perform shredding guitar solos, keep reading.

Led Zeppelin = The Rule Book

Led Zeppelin wasn't the first hard rock band ever, but I dare say they were the best. They experimented with a wide flavor of genres, yet always focused on the essential elements of rock. See "Kashmir," "D'yer Mak'er," "The Battle of Evermore" for more. Aside from just the music, they looked like every hard rock band for the next 20 years. The hair, the wardrobe, the live light show, etc. And of course: DRUGS.

However, if I could make a case for any other band paving the way for classic rock, it'd be The Who. Much like Led Zeppelin, each member of the band was equally dynamic and influential. Their attempts at "poetry" were really just drunken and stupid ("Bargain" vs. "Thank You"). Their riffs were heavy and loud. Who's Next might be the best album between both bands. But from front-to-back of their careers, Led Zeppelin remained true to the genre. While Roger Daltrey was singing "rock is dead," Zep was recording Physical Graffiti. Why critique your own genre when you could be polishing it? 

How Good Were The Rolling Stones?

To be picky with genres, here's the general consensus of rock greatness:
Greatest band of all time: The Beatles
Greatest hard rock band of all time: Led Zeppelin 
Greatest rock band of all time: The Rolling Stones
I grew up always criticizing The Rolling Stones. I loved them and all, but I went as far as to question what made them so good. If anything, I've learned that most bands aren't as consistently good as the Stones were, releasing about 15 years worth of enjoyable hits. Mick Jagger's voice is possibly the most influential singer of all time. You try writing a 3-minute rock'n'roll song without somewhat imitating his vocal styles. Also, Charlie Watts is a super underrated drummer (the variety on "Can't You Hear Me Knocking" will make you a believer). Keith Richards guitars were always distinctly jagged. Bill Wyman's bass lines on songs on "Sympathy for the Devil" and "Bitch" are pretty hard to forget. And collectively, there was a fair amount of experimentation with latin music, gospel, R&B and proto-grunge. The Rolling Stones were a lovable band.
They were not lyricists.
But yes, they were indeed a great classic rock band. 

From hereon out, I will be dissecting popular classically classic rock bands (or rather, tearing them apart). So.. Who should I write about next??? Guns N' Roses? The Eagles? Aerosmith? Steve Miller Band? King Crimson? I wanna know! No one is safe.