The New Fake-Ass Country Music Revolution

COUNTRY ON TOP.

Between July 2023 and July 2024, there were 8 country songs that occupied the #1 spot on the Billboard Hot 100 chart. 

Morgan Wallen - "Last Night"

Jason Aldean - "Try That in a Small Town"

Oliver Anthony Music - "Rich Men North of Richmond"

Zach Bryan (ft Kacey Musgraves) - "I Remember Everything" 

Brenda Lee - "Rockin' Around the Christmas Tree"

Beyoncé - "Texas Hold 'Em"

Post Malone (ft Morgan Wallen) - "I Had Some Help"

Shaboozey - "A Bar Song (Tipsy)"

I guess there's debate as to just how "country" each song here is. I'd put 'em all in the same boat, myself.

The dinky trap beat on "Last Night" isn't enough for me to confuse it with anything outside your standard country pop song. Jason Aldean has been a country radio staple for 20 years. Oliver Anthony's look suggests he might be more of a folksy bluegrass guy, but to entirely separate that from country is a stretch. Zach Bryan is an Americana purist, which means he's just country for people who drink PBR. Gotta include Brenda Lee's 1958 hit "Rockin' Around the Christmas Tree," as Wikipedia classifies this song as "rockabilly," therefor sharing more in common with early Johnny Cash than anything by Blake Shelton. "Texas Hold 'Em" is a fun little backcountry stomper. "I Had Some Help" sounds like it could have been a country hit in any of the last 20 years. And that Shaboozey song seems to take from multiple genre influences to ultimately create something that's unmistakably country.

As I write this, Shaboozey's "Tipsy" is reigning as the #1 song in America for the 14th week. Still not caught up to the 16 weeks that Morgan Wallen's " Last Night" spent at #1 last year. Heck, Morgan Wallen is actually the king of the mountain right now. His last 2 albums have combined to sell 13x Platinum in the US. All since January 2021. 

For context: Within this same amount of time, Taylor Swift has released 2 new albums and an additional 4 re-recorded releases of her older albums. All these releases have combined to go 9x Platinum. 

Unlike Swift, Wallen is far from the American icon status of Michael Jackson and Elvis Presley. Per Spotify, he sits at a relatively scant ranking as the 92nd most-streamed artist in the world. But in America, people are paying money for his songs. And that doesn't happen to people in 2024. 

While it can't be denied that country music is having its own moment right now, I don't get it when people call it a "comeback." 

Individual artists can make comebacks, for sure. But a genre? Heck no. Especially with country, where its popularity and cultural relevance has always been super difficult to measure. Like, when was country's heyday in the first place? Are you referring to Garth Brooks going 108x Platinum with a decade's-worth of album releases? Are you an American Millennial reminiscing about the post-9/11 country marketing boom from your childhood? Are you an old-head talking about how much better the genre was before it went pop? Are you realizing that even at its most popular, country was never actually on top? 

What's happening with country right now has never happened to the genre before. The run has been too successful to call it a fad. But it's too stupid to call it a revolution. 

LET'S TALK ABOUT COUNTRY.

I personally find country fun to talk about. In fact, it's more fun to talk about country than it is to listen to it! 

I've technically been listening to country my whole life. Country music is the soundtrack to hanging out with friends who won't give me the aux cord. On my own time, I pretty much never listen to country. And yet so many of my favorite artists are influenced by it. 

Bands like Wilco tend to take the steel guitar twang and gritty folk elements of country to make some depressive indie rock. Bruce Springsteen, Bob Dylan, Neil Young, these guys have all toyed around with it. Zach Bryan draws the most obvious line between my favored "boring white guy" music and country's chart-conquering moment in America right now. But if I'm being honest with myself, my relationship with traditional country is more like appreciating it from afar rather than being a real fan.

Country is one of the most purely American-born genres of music. It's been around for like 100 years. Like anything culturally significant, it originates from the voices of people in poverty. Any US state that struggles with tornadoes or hurricanes, that's where country comes from. You're out there writing songs based on experience, and your experience says that nature is working against you. 

So are Americans playing more country songs in 2024 because we finally get a chance to connect with these distinctive voices?

Haha nope.

I'll get some things out of the way here. It's not like I only acknowledge a country artist's validity if they have a lower-class upbringing. This is more the conversation people have been having about rappers for years. If you're not black, don't pretend to be black. If you're not from the hood, don't pretend like you're from the hood. I believe these chart-topping country songs come from artists who are genuine fans of the genre. Nobody's pretending. Ever-profitable pop superstar Post Malone is out there making some generally accessible country songs that don't sound too forced. And the new Beyoncé album kinda works as a musical museum for every angle of country. 

And yet I see America's rise in country music sales as a "fake" movement. It has hardly anything to do with the artists making it. It's the speculated "cultural impact" of it all that's absolute horeshit. 

In a piece I wrote about music of the Trump Era back in December 2020, I claimed: "The musical landscape has simply turned into a big fat meme." I should have known. This is just how it's gonna be from now on. The new country music boom hasn't changed anything. Not a strong enough force in musical innovation to overpower our iconic pop stars. Not enough revolutionary ideals to change anyone's political perspectives. But it's fun and it's in your face. So it's a meme. 

Going back to that Trump Era quote from myself... That was in the middle of a paragraph where I talk about a song that has proven to be kabillion miles ahead of its time. The song that still holds the record for most weeks at #1 on the Billboard chart. That's right: "Old Town Road."

Its first week at #1, this song was 113 seconds long, just a simple banger trap beat and some lightweight banjo, led by a gay 19 year-old black man using a comically country-tinged voice; some guy we've never heard of named Lil Nas X. While the listening experience comes off pretty harmless, everything surrounding this song's existence and its popularity says it's an anomaly. So how did he extend his place at #1 another 18 weeks? He further meme-ified it. Added a goofy rap verse from goofy country tabloid star Billy Ray Cyrus. Nothing about "Old Town Road" is serious, yet everything about it is brilliant.

Meme music and mainstream music had officially become indistinguishable. I found this easy to embrace at first. Making dumb pop songs dumber. I'm kinda all for it. And I wouldn't call any of these new country hits "meme music." It's just that the way we see the genre itself has become a meme. 

Dolly Parton has practically become a meme hero. 

I remember Beck being my favorite artist when I was 17. Genres were a joke to him back in the 90s. The dude was ironically rapping over a big fat buffet of cheeky weird instrumentals that would be sure to make your parents worry about you. In a way, one can say he was ahead of his time. But I would dare go in the opposite direction. 

We figured out that making music in a bunch of different genres is easy. You ask someone what type of music they listen to, everyone just says "everything." And they're not lying. We have access to it all. Sometimes we feel like unleashing our inner gangsta rapper. Sometimes we feel like dressing up in tacky bright 80s outfits. Sometimes we just wanna sweat it out to some EDM. Sometimes we wanna put on a cowboy hat and drink Budweiser. 

I find this all kinda cool. Aside from the fact that none of it matters.

The deal with country is that everybody likes country. It's easy to market and easy to make. It's been that way for a long time now. You can go on YouTube and find people who just take any given 4-chord song, add a twang, sing it in a Southern accent, and boom: Sound like Dierks Bentley. "U2 but make it country" Instagram reels like, yeah. That shit's easy. And you can make a buck off that.

Even the other way around, John Michael Montgomery's 1994 country hit "I Swear" made a seamless transition into an R&B hit by All-4-One. Pretty much all pop-centric genres that have their own circle of radio airplay have been fair game since the 60s. Country is not exempt. And for those of you who've always been into it, I think country culture was best described to me by an unintentionally wise kid named Alex: "Country isn't a lifestyle. It's a state of mind."

Country doesn't necessarily have gatekeepers either. Heck, I don't think there's any other genre that takes more pride in branding itself as "music for people who don't think about art." You can ask any country fan to name their favorite country artists, and they'll all name the same five people. It's all chill around these parts.

I guess there technically are country music gatekeepers. I try to take up their recommendations, but I think gatekeeping a genre just as much preserves the music's purest forms as it limits its boundaries. You'll never meet a hardcore country fan the same way you'll meet snobs that represent metal or punk or jazz. "That's not REAL metal!" "That's not REAL punk!" "Jazz is NOT dead, it's just not profitable!" Ok, that last one is true, but still. 

America has always been full of casual country fans. There's nothing wrong with that. It's just that any time I've tried to take this year's country boom seriously, I'll ask myself: "Why country? Why now?" And the answer is always: "Why not?" 🤠

OH YEAH, THE SONGS.

Going back to the songs at the top of this blog post, there's a reminder that it's the music scene as a whole that's become meme-ified. Over the last 5 years, one of the biggest hits of our time is a little holiday treat made back in 1994. Mariah Carey. "All I Want for Christmas Is You." 13 collective weeks at #1 in the US. In the world of memes, you don't even have to be new or trendy. You just have to be mem-eable. This 1994 song is the first song that comes to mind when we think of Christmas in 2024. And what the hey, let's throw "Rockin' Around the Christmas Tree" in there. It's a party now. 

Despite his massive success, I don't consider Morgan Wallen as part of the new country movement. His 2021 release Dangerous: The Double Album was an immediate Nashville smash. Country albums have always sold millions within their own market. The Billboard Hot 100 chart just functions differently now. With niche radio stations becoming obsolete, there's new emphasis on charting what's getting streamed the most by the people. For example, Garth Brooks' album sales rival the likes of Michael Jackson. Yet "Friends in Low Places" did not even chart in the Billboard Hot 100. Absolutely insane.

So we get "Last Night" as  Wallen's signature generic megahit. Somebody has to take the crown as The Face of Country, and Morgan's the man right now. I think the his brand of lyrically-conscious and pop-friendly country appeals to people from multiple generations. I actually think his reign will last for the whole decade. I have no idea who's #2 in the radio country kingdom. They're so far behind, people have forgotten that country airplay still exists as its own entity. If country is selling, Morgan Wallen is carrying that world on his back. 

Then of course we've got the 1-week wonder "Try That in a Small Town" by Jason Aldean. 

The first song I remember hearing (and liking) by Jason Aldean was a song called "Amarillo Sky" back in 2006. I remember later moving to Idaho and listening to the song "Big Green Tractor" with my friend Kori. She told me, "Scott, if you ever want to win over a girl, get your guitar and play her this song." People who actually like country have known Aldean's name for like 20 years now. His 2023 single "Try That in a Small Town" doesn't sound much different than anything else on country radio. Its brief spike in nationwide popularity had more to do with the lyrical content becoming a discussion piece among people who hate the song. 

Honest to god, I heard more negative press than positive about this song. This probably could have been avoided if he didn't shoot the music video in front of an old lynching site. Every benefit of the doubt you want to give its violent lyrical context is suddenly shattered. So look out all you rebel-rousers! Waylon Jennings, Willie Nelson, Johnny Paycheck, guess that includes y'all too. The "Big Green Tractor" guy is out to lynch you. Yikes.

Then of course we've got the 2-week wonder "Rich Men North of Richmond" by Oliver Anthony Music. Again a song that's more powered by discourse than airplay.

Oliver Anthony Music was a new face with a rather meteoric rise to popularity. An acoustic field recording of a song that could have been written by Dale Gribble himself. Its lyrics were discussed at the first Republican primary debate in the summer of 2023. Oliver Anthony Music condemned the Republicans for their use of his song, distancing himself from any association with the party.

This response made sense to me. Even in the realms of far-right libertarianism, even the right-wing folks in DC are still part of the controlling government machine you disgust. Might I suggest, to anyone out there who wants to write political music: If you don't want certain people to agree with you, stop saying things you know they'll agree with.

Then of course we've got the 1-week wonder "I Remember Everything" by Zach Bryan, featuring former-Grammy darling Kacey Musgraves. 

The charts are weird sometimes. Bryan had the #1 album of the week. Often times a huge album means its most popular song shoots to #1. While "I Remember Everything" still stands as Bryan's only #1 hit, it feels more like a consolation prize for his actual most popular song. From 2022, his single "Something in the Orange" has gone 7x Platinum. Wow.

Anyways, yeah, I consider myself pro-Zach Bryan. I love this dude's voice. A younger Millennial who grew up in Oklahoma and served in the Navy. I wouldn't consider him very "fun." Like, at all. I think he's trying to distance himself from the country pop world and wanting to be a critically-acclaimed Americana figure like Jason Isbell. He just has to work on being a bigger asshole. 

Then of course we've got the 2-week wonder "Texas Hold 'Em" by Beyoncé. I can spill a novel's-worth of ink about the album this comes from, Cowboy Carter. Some good words, some bad. The song itself? There is nothing to say about this freaking song. 

It's not bad. It's fun. I'd call it country. The actual song's not all that memorable. I know there's a part where she invites the listener to dance by saying "don't be a bitch." That's, like, a really weird thing to say, right?

Anyways. For anybody who thinks Beyoncé is just a non-country artist trying to capitalize on the country meme, I don't think that's the case. She absolutely does the genre justice throughout Cowboy Carter. It's a grandiose project with hundreds of writers and performers involved, full of songs that I'm never in the mood to listen to. I appreciate the presentation, but I feel like Queen Bey further trades off her conviction for production with each album.

I think we've now reached the threshold of just how far the meme-able country movement can go. These final #1 hits I'm about to get into are much stronger certified hits than than the brief chart-toppers I just mentioned. I think things can only descend from here. And I'll expound on that.

If you were wary about Beyoncé going country for a cash grab, I'm not sure how you were less wary about former-rapper Post Malone doing the same thing a few months later. He spent a few weeks at #1 this year with his hit " I Had Some Help," featuring some help from The Face of Country himself, Morgan Wallen. 

What's sad is that this song is undeniably country, but it's also just super flavorless. When I say I'm not a big country fan, I'm talking about this stuff. This song makes me feel like I'm watching a Chevy truck commercial in 2004. And I have to realize that this is why people like it. 

The song is selling, the album is selling. Anyone who watched Post Malone sing "America the Beautiful" at the Super Bowl this year knows that he has respect for the genre. Ah. "Respect for the genre." Something critics didn't say about him back when he had his breakout rap hit "White Iverson."

So has Post Malone found himself a home in country? Will he settle with it? I think he could. But I know he won't.

The current #1 song in America is "A Bar Song (Tipsy)" by Shaboozey. Its 14th week at #1. Still behind Morgan Wallen's 16-week reign with "Last Night." But I actually think Shaboozey will pass him up. I even think this song can break the 19-week record set by "Old Town Road." This will be the song that people see as the height of the country movement. And it's the song that will make us all tired of it. 

There's just something so simple and relatable about this guy's approach. An acoustic guitar, some handclaps, a chorus that's easy to sing along to. It's a newly established anthem for every American ready to get their beer-driven swagger on at the local bar this weekend. Without using much, it's got everything.

BECAUSE NOTHING MATTERS.

So now I believe we've finally crossed beyond the threshold. The next time a pop star announces they're doing a country album, it will be seen as a sellout move that's behind the times. In fact, just this weekend, Ringo Starr announced that he's releasing a country album. It's the beginning of the end, folks.

I think Morgan Wallen will still sell. He'll live on as "the country guy" among America's biggest superstars. There's this weird thing with Morgan Wallen fans, by the way. Has anybody else noticed that everyone who's super into his stuff, their favorite genre of music is EDM? I can't make the connection. It's just a weird fact unrelated to anything.

I've written a lot about country here. Because while I find the movement unimportant, there's something really funny and fascinating about it all. Who would think there would be a time where pop stars could start making country music, and it would be seen as an act of selling out? I thought it was supposed to be the other way around. People are using the exact opposite career strategy that we once witnessed from the biggest artist alive: Taylor Swift.

My biggest stretch of an opinion here is that the meme-ification of the modern music scene originated in 2016. 100% in line with the US presidential election.

A lot of Millennials who had associated with the Democratic party started pulling towards actual socialist ideals. A lot of the usual Republican Millennials voters found a truer sense of identity with libertarianism. But it was then made clearer than ever in our adult lives that what actual people believed never mattered. The administrative funding was always gonna be between Clinton and Trump. We always knew that, but we held onto false hope. And there was this conundrum as to whether these 2 candidates were ideological planets apart from each other, or if they were technically the same thing. 

As far as making this music-related, the guy who won this election had to settle for the Mormon Tabernacle Choir as the big-ticket musical performance for his inauguration. The eternally left-wing music scene was not pleased with the election outcome. Over the last 8 years, now with some quarantine experience added into the mix, younger artists have given themselves more questions than answers.

Do the things that I believe in even matter? Does it matter who wins a presidential election? Then again, how are these elections even close?

Is it a big deal if country music comes from a black woman who started off as an R&B artist? Should we keep buying country music from a guy who gets caught saying racial slurs in public? Why is that even a question?

Should I get less political? Should my music career go county? Should I take cheap CBD tablets and flip through TikTok while I work from my apartment?

Perhaps the answer was always to put on a cowboy hat and ignore anything important all along. It's been fun watching the country meme reach its peak. I have no idea what musical genre will win America's next fake "culturally-significant" lottery. But like everything else, I will probably only be able to enjoy it ironically. 

Replacements for an Identity

There are a couple moments with my therapist that led to me writing this blogpost. 

Dating back to the first week of March, our sessions took a whole new direction we've been riding with ever since: Developing a sense of identity. There are a lot of loaded questions that come with a topic like this. But interestingly enough, there's a question in this ballpark that I've had an immediate answer to for years. What band reminds me the most of myself? The Replacements.

My therapist threw out an interesting statement in our last visit. It felt emphatic in the moment, then it escaped me, and now it's coming back to me. They mentioned that some of the most impactful moments in our lives are times when we felt understood. I've been trying to recall times where I actually felt that, among friends or whoever. It's hard to pinpoint lasting moments where I felt this sensation after talking to someone. But I know there have been times where I felt deeply understood by some guy yelling at me in my headphones. Again, I'm talking about The Replacements.

It's both puzzling and comical to think that I feel connection with these guys I've never had anything in common with. Angsty, rebellious, alcoholic punks. There's something at the heart of their lyrics that I've kept in my heart like it's Moses's 11th Commandment: Self-Loathing.

If I were to list of my 20 favorite bands, you would see self-loathing is a common theme between most all of them. I've just always loved the character that Paul Westerberg presents. I referred to him as "angsty" earlier.  But I think the proper word for him, and the undying emotional state I share with him, is "frustrated." Sure it's depressing, but it's also passionate. Classic rock taught us that rock singers should be wailing about drugged-up sex with crazy groupies and stuff like that. I want to hear someone yell about feeling too messed up and worn out for the world they see in front of them. Paul is a guy who could convince you to share a beer with him, but warns you that it's not worth becoming too attached. And yeah. Dang. I've seen myself this way as far back as I can remember.

I had a Pandora station for Pavement when I was 18. Every band it threw at me had me like, "This is what music is supposed to sound like!!!" This is where I listened to The Replacements for my first time. 

I remember "Can't Hardly Wait" instantly became an anthem for me. I always thought of it as this ratty young man who's unsure of himself wanting to make a change. With only a handful of words sung within 3 minutes, he depicts scenery involving anxiety, love letters, heaven, and ashtrays. "Jesus rides beside me. He never buys any smokes." That's genius. And of course, the simple play on words with "I CAN'T hardly wait." Sounds like something a teenager would mumble as they roll their at their parents. The energy of this song tells me this is an inspired person who wants to start making changes. But he wants to make sure we know that he's not excited about the process. That's often how I feel about my own life.

This might sound like a perfect band for guys in high school or college. Then why does all this stuff still feel applicable to me at age 33? Trying to navigate towards signs of self-discovery through the tarpits of your own self-loathing. I've never been under the impression that there's any true "destination" in journeys like this. We're always developing as people. But I'm still seemingly stuck in some developmental stage that most people go through in their adolescence. I've felt less willing to work and more agitated toward my peers over these last few years than I ever did as a teenager. Maybe I just need a band who'll invited me to "hang side by side" with them as we're punished for our crimes of human inadequacy. Or maybe listen to a dude continuously yell "I'M SO UNSATISFIED" for like 4 minutes. 

A band can't be an identity. And hating yourself doesn't count as an identity. But it can at least be a replacement for one. 

Real Life / Summer

We have reached the halfway point of 2024. 

Over the last few months, I've been trying to work up some deep personal commentary to share with friends in my social media world. Approaching midnight into June 30, this is as close as it's gonna get. It might even be short. 

My springtime entered with a wake-up call that had me reeling over all my accumulated life choices and confusing experiences. It's true that I've been unrecognizable to my own self for most of my adult life. And while no overanalysis of my past could ever be enough for me to grasp an understanding of who I really am, I can only move forward from where I am right now anyways. Which has been harder for me to accept with each passing year.

Particularly as spring has turned to summer, my memories are torn between my favorite nights filled with my favorite friends and the ultimate experiences I desired but was never convinced could ever actually happen. And now a man at age 33, what hurts me most is that the story can never be the same. Whatever I wanted it to be, it's over. It seems possible to move forward, but it can never look the same as I desired it to be at age 18 or 25 or whatnot. 

It's hard to see any pathways toward developing a testimony of any vital characteristic principles like love and work. It's hard to actually accept and view my life from where I am without the helpless yearning to go back. But it didn't use to be so hard. It used to be impossible. 

Walk in the park/Used to be

A simple hobby I've kept over the years has been causing an internal stir lately. 

Walking.

I'll try not to over-explain how I've grown a strong attachment to the most basic-ass form of exercise in human history. A lot of my favorite hobbies throughout my adulthood have just been different forms of moving my legs outside. Soccer, biking, hiking, running, walking. Sure, stuff like this is good for your health across the board. Although there have been times where my long walks have been fueled by a dose of paranoid anxiety. Usually I just do it because it's nice to be out and about in these dinky provincial neighborhoods. I used to do it a lot because I didn't have a car. These days, there's something else driving me. Sensory memory.

I'm convinced that the amount of mental time I spend in my past is both something that holds me back from living in the moment, but also something that's kept me alive. I don't think people understand that. Depression keeps hope out of your imagination. And perhaps getting at least a hint of reminiscent joy in a moment of your current life is a reason to keep living. It's a cool and healthy thought that golden eras in our lives can reshape into something else with each life change as we get older. It's a sad and realistic thought that much of the love we felt in times past escaped from us through the same means, yet that void remains unfilled. Because of this, I see no shame in walking down memory lane.

Walking has hit me differently over the last 3 months. I came across this brief bout of crisis when I was told my team at work was getting dissolved and we all needed to find new positions. While I've had this issue solved for a few weeks now, it was a moment that had me thinking about things I haven't thought about in years. The future. My future. Not like I've ever been some guy who just relishes in momentary impulses too much to ever think about future life choices. Quite the opposite. When it comes to life choices, I usually just freeze. I freeze out of confusion, in attempts to make sense of my past. And if I ever do make a choice, it's an uninspired step made out of confusion about what I'd actually like to do. 

Now... You can bet your boots that the new job I took a few weeks back was exactly that type of life choice. It's too safe to regret. Where the true regret lies for me is just how often I find myself doing shit like this. It's not like I'm doing nothing with my life. But it sure as heck feels like it. 

Anyways... When I got hit with the news 3 months back, I remember the first thing I did after work that day. I went for a walk on Canyon Rd. There's no other street in town where I've spent more time running. But for now, I wanted to walk. And think. I thought about death. I questioned why I've spent so much of my adult life in this dumb town. I felt nostalgic for my favorite college days. Perhaps even a couple of my teen years. The sensory rush of memories from these distant little eras of my life where I wasn't depressed out of my mind; it was hitting me stronger than ever. I would go on to walk down Canyon Rd multiple times per week for a couple months. I've since been walking in other areas, yet each walk still gives me a kick of nostalgia. Whether it's deep and introspective or lighthearted and refreshing, it's usually the best part of my day. 

As for thinking about the future, I've had some lingering issues I've always been aware of that have suddenly risen to the top of my conscience. For a lot of us adults with mental health struggles, we're actually very aware of what our problems are. But never knowing what to prioritize keeps us in stasis. A personal issue that's been brought to light to me is just how much the way I view my future is related to how I view myself. And on my recent walks where I've reflected back on times where I seemingly better knew myself, things are starting to click. And as exciting as that may sound to you guys... I've found it pretty darn discomforting. 

A quote from Jason Molina crosses my mind a lot lately. 
It didn't use to be so hard. It used to be impossible.

I always assumed this lyric referred to Molina's fight with alcoholism. Despite the fact that this man's excessive alcohol intake was ultimately the catalyst to his death, I prefer hearing insights from people like this than whatever asshole advice I come across from former friends on social media. This idea that it's easier to give up than it is to try... There's some truth to that. Yet far from the whole story. 

It's crazy to me that people disregard how much hard work goes into developing a fully-engrained belief in self-hopelessness. It's not just some sinful habit of sloth. Over time, people like me and Molina conclude that this belief is both logically and morally true. Even without a drop of alcohol in my system, and despite whatever relatively proactive stuff I've done as an adult, this belief has always been at the heart of it all. It's what keeps me feeling distant from myself and seeing no point in shaping my own future. Giving up on yourself is not easy. Staying in that mindset is easy, in that your decision-making is based around avoiding things seen as impossibilities. These might even be things you see other people do every day. Attempting to get out of this hole is difficult, as trying to change your strongest beliefs always is. But to top it off, most of the dirty work can only be done on your own.

It's now been more than a few years where things have felt impossible for me. But I guess I'm glad to be entering a stage where things are hard.

So, yeah. Walking. 

I find it embarrassing to admit that going for walks has been the highlight of my recent life. But I mean, it sends me to a better place, and people probably don't have to understand that. I can't deny which eras of my past were my favorites. And while I've always known these golden days were never perfect, there's kind of a stronger ache and clearer realization of what self-negative tendencies flowed into my voided days to come. But you know, somehow--if this makes sense--seeing things this way actually makes the all the good stuff from back then feel more within reach. Ya know? All these emotionally healthy and harmful things have always existed within me, in differing proportions. I'm starting to entertain the idea that while my life can never be the same again, my life can maybe feel okay again.

It's summer now. I've been wanting to write super long blogposts about my favorite summers from years past. Friends, stories, music, etc. But perhaps I'll leave it to you guys to guess what my summers were like. I have no time to discuss every detail of all the time I spent on cruise ships, every romantic endeavor I had with my loaded history of girlfriends, or every job I had that opened my eyes to potential future career opportunities. Because none of those things ever happened.

Thank you for reading.

You should go for a walk or something.

Mandatory New Year Crap

It's difficult for me to write a detailed personal blog post these days. Why is that?

I've been really freaking depressed for years.

I could sincerely just stop writing there and say I spoke the truth. But note how I ended that sentence with the words "for years." And we are now at the start of a new year. So perhaps this post will be more about what happens in years. The simple answer to this would be "life." Life is what happens every year. But some years are built different than others.

2023 Recap

So what do you want to hear about my 2023? I don't really know what information about my life people would care to hear. Which makes it hard to keep up a conversation. Like, every conversation ends when the other person asks me about my life. I suddenly realize I have nothing to say. Nothing particularly interesting, nothing I'm proud to admit, no hopeful news in my future. 2023 was my 7th consecutive year feeling this way; all 7 years since graduating college. Today, I talk about whatever the heck I want.

I have a hard time thinking about 2023 without the very first thing coming to mind being my going off psychiatric medication. I've been off meds since the last week of June. I've only told this to like 5 people. But it's always the first thing on my mind. Not going to my first music festival, not moving to Smithfield, not the big family vacations to the Florida coast or the Grand Tetons, not all 3 of my remaining grandparents dying within 9 months of each other, not doing a 10-mile run for my first time in years, not seeing my favorite band Wilco play live, not the couple of small music gigs I played, not buying a new used car with monthly payments for my first time ever, not all the hiking trails I checked out, not my makeshift trip to Idaho with a friend from Taiwan. The end of meds was the end of an era for me. 

"It's the end of an era, it's true."

While I had randomly assorted brief bouts with medication throughout my adulthood, this run was huge for me. April 2018 - June 2023. I still have very fond memories from October 2018 - October 2019. I was feeling physiologically more like myself than I had in a decade, and I owe it all to my meds at that time. But that magic eventually ran out with my own life changes, and I've since felt particularly hopeless for these last 4 years. 

My last few months newly off meds technically have not changed my life or behaviors at all. I'm still very much depressed on a daily basis. But my emotions no longer feel like a "life or death" circumstance. I feel them, they eventually pass, and they eventually come back. And the flow of emotions isn't as confusing to me; whereas meds often influenced good or bad emotions to arise out of nowhere. This is all interesting to me, although perhaps not something to talk about with someone you just met.

I Go Back

While I've long been guilty of overanalyzing my past, I'm kinda going through a bittersweet phase of introspection right now. I'm starting to emotionally recollect the times of my life I had once tried to erase. 

Country singer Kenny Chesney released this rather classic song when I was a teenager. A song I never revisit, but often consider its chorus: "Every time I hear that song, I go back!" There are lots of songs that can take me back to specific beautiful memories. And of course, songs I tend to avoid, because I don't wanna go back (if you know what I mean). 

Songs aside, I can look back at past behaviors and find myself cringing all the way. Some very distant memories, some very recent memories. How recent? Well, I've realized that I even dismiss my current behaviors in life. I assume I'll eventually "learn" to shrug them aside and change for good. That I'll return to my real self and my current life will one day just be another regrettable memory. 

That's not how it works. 

However, returning to my distant negative memories has helped me realize how connected all sides of me have always been, and always will be. Perhaps a lot of the dread I feel at the workplace is reminiscent of experiences I had as an LDS missionary; or real talk, even stuff dating back to struggles in elementary school. While I admit there are eras in my life--all garnered from my distant past--where I can say I found my truest self, those days are all connected to even my ugliest years. 

I've wondered for awhile if I've thought too much about my past in order to move forward. Yet I'm pretty sure it's natural to be drawn to good memories. My much bigger issue is not accepting the whole of my past. And therefor, eventually becoming unable to accept my present. 

2024 

Earlier in this blog, I wrote that "life" is what happens every year. "Life" as a word I've come to use more poetically than literally. Especially with the modern uptick of people employed as life coaches, I don't think I'm the only one with a loose definition of "life." Literally, I've been living for 33 years. Technically, I've spent a lot of time existing as deadweight. 

Perhaps the truest form of living life means you're living in the moment. I have not been doing this. I would see this as some kind of "hard to swallow" life lesson and I just need to buck up live my life right. But in my defense, living in the moment has been extremely hard for me for my entire adulthood. And any of the people reading this who think I can just flip that switch from 0 to 100, it's like, cool. Have fun believing that.

Like I mentioned in my last section, I'm kinda going through a bittersweet process of self-acceptance. I'm trying not to hate my most personally hate-able qualities. And I'm realizing those add up to make a really long list. This process probably doesn't have an end. But I really freaking hope that practicing self-acceptance leads to living in more moments. Cuz this stuff is hard.

I'm often scared to live in the moment because that means I'd give off more expressive behavior. I associate that with my clinical anxiety. Behavioral things I've increasingly tried to hide out of shame, leading to cumulating years of clinical depression. It's bittersweet (again, I know)... But this thing I'm scared of is probably my biggest goal for 2024.

That's it. That's the blog post.

25 Favo/Best Albums of 2023

Hey there folks. Here's a list of my 25 favorite (and therefor the best) albums of 2023. 

I've been making these lists on this blog since 2013. I recently claimed that this will be last year-end albums list. I stand by that. I absolutely want to keep making music lists. And I want to keep up with new releases. But it's come to mess up the comfortable view of music I used to have. 

See, I listened to 80 new albums in 2023. But also, this year, I revisited zero (0) albums from 2022. It's just hard for anything new to stick with me. Maybe it's because new music sucks, but I think it has to do with me thinking too critically to feel any momentary inspiration or enjoyment. 

That being said, I'm not sure about the shelf-life of the bottom half of this list. But the stuff towards the top is stellar. Some of my favorite albums of this decade. 

As usual from me, here are a few honorable mentions...

- Jason Isbell and the 400 Unit Weathervanes

- Noname Sundial

- Matana Roberts Coin Coin Chapter Five: In the garden...

And here's the actual list...

This first section is kind of a shitstorm of bands I have a love/hate relationship with. Very flawed music. Some of it too ironic for its own good. But I choose to applaud them for that. Pretty much interchangeable rankings.

25 100 gecs 10,000 gecs

24 MSPAINT Post-American

23 Home Is Where the whaler

22 shame Food for Worms

21 Model/Actriz Dogsbody

20 Hotline TNT Cartwheel

This section is much more tasteful. I have my bones to pick here, but solid listens compared to the competition. Also interchangeable rankings.

19 Kali Uchis Red Moon In Venus 

18 McKinley Dixon Beloved! Paradise! Jazz?!

17 Yves Tumor Praise A Lord Who Chews But Which Does Not Consume; (Or Simply, Hot Between Worlds)

16 Amaarae Fountain Baby

15 ANOHNI and the Johnsons My Back Was A Bridge For You To Cross

14 Mitski The Land Is Inhospitable and So Are We

13 Gia Margaret Romantic Piano

Another interchangeable section, only these are albums I think could make my top 10 any given year. They're awesome. And I could write very long reviews of each of these.

12 Lana Del Rey Did you know that there's a tunnel under Ocean Blvd

11 Joanna Sternberg I've Got Me

10 Jeff Rosenstock HELLMODE

9 Wiki & Tony Seltzer 14k Figaro

8 Liturgy 93696

I think very highly of this top 7. I honestly have had a hard time connecting with new music in the 2020's. But all of these really scratched my itch. Excellent production quality, unique songwriting... I see myself coming back to this stuff in years to come. Here's another interchangeable section before we get to the very very top.

7 billy woods & Kenny Segal Maps

6 Parannoul After the Magic

5 Caroline Polachek Desire, I Want To Turn Into You

4 Armand Hammer We Buy Diabetic Test Strips

In my heart, I don't really know what my album of the year is. But it's one of these three. So yes, even my top 3 is interchangeable. But it's the strongest, most exciting top 3 I've listened to in years. 

3 Lonnie Holley Oh Me Oh My

2 Kara Jackson Why Does the Earth Give Us People to Love?

1 Sufjan Stevens Javelin

Blogging After College Has Sucked

I've enjoyed blogging for over 10 years now. But I gotta admit. There were times when I enjoyed it much more. Certain semesters of college. I would often get a ton of views and feedback, too. For the majority of my time since graduating college in December 2016, I don't think I've written much worth reading. I still write a lot, but it's usually a trudge of a read. There are reasonable reasons for this.

For starters... Nothing is happening. College was a fun little package of time where my social situations would change every 4 months. I think of that time in terms of summers and semesters. Since graduating, I've spent most of my time just working a full-time job and doing stuff by myself. Nothing new to report. I miss writing about my life and mental health with this unique anxious energy about my present and future.

Then there's music. I used to write about music passionately. I can't do that anymore. Why not? I feel like I maybe know too much now. Particularly after 2021, where I spent the whole year listening to albums I've never tried before on a daily basis. I can write extremely long pieces about music I love, but nothing hits me like it used to. Miss hearing an album for my first time and obsessing over it. Buying CD's and saving music on mp3 player, long before downloading everything on my premium subscription to the Spotify app on my phone. I now listen to more music than ever. But the thrill is gone.

I think the biggest hit on how I feel about writing was when I started taking psychiatric medication.

This started a few months into 2018. Whether it's been through blogging or social media or real life, I feel like I've spent a ton of the last 5 years just complaining about my life and how I feel. Looking back at how much I've done this (especially over social media), it's honestly embarrassing. And yet, it's not like I was lying. It's just like... Dang. I felt 10 times less mature as a 30 year-old than I ever did in my 20's. Just so many behavioral changes and contradictory emotional experiences. I promise I'm going somewhere with this...

I distinctly remember a couple antipsychotics I took over the span of 1 year that actually made me feel desirably better. Late 2018 through late 2019. I've been on a bunch of pills since then. Some underwhelming, some straight-up bad. I can't go back to those antipsychotics because I was honestly sleeping too much. But I've reached the point where I wonder if I should just go off medication. Unless I come across something that can have powerful positive effects and not also overpower me with sketchy side effects. I'm currently on 1 medication, so you could say I'm almost out. But there is 1 thing I'm afraid of, that I also kinda miss. 

Ever since I've been on medication, I haven't felt this anxious tension in my stomach. I felt it constantly since I was like 19, all the way until I was a few months into age 27. During that whole time, I wanted that to go away, and it did. But dang, I've definitely switched from being used to daily anxiety to being used to feeling critically depressed. Going back to the 2nd paragraph here where I talk about "anxious energy" and stuff, I miss that feeling. Yet I'm also afraid to go back to it. 

I mean, I look at the numbers, and my recent years with medication have been harder to look back on than my years without. There are a few exceptions; some periods of my adult years where the anxiety was too high. But dang, the 3+ years since going off those antipsychotics have mostly been super depressing. Plenty of distress and dread. I guess I'm willing to try different meds, but I don't feel bad about setting a high bar for how well I expect them to work.

Perhaps it's all about that 2nd paragraph here, where blogging used to be more exciting simply because I was younger and life was just more exciting. I could make music lists all day, although I find that very self-serving. But whether I have more exciting life updates to write about, or some music takes that people want to hear... Could I at least get more excited about this stuff? Excited about anything?